Friday, November 16, 2007

Yeah, Sorry About That, My Bad

A whole bunch of years ago, at a different job, I did a dumb thing. Truth be told, it wasn’t so much dumb as it was stupid. You may also call me a moron, I’m cool with that as well.

Here’s the scene:

I’m in someone’s office/work area. Let’s call him Steve, since that’s his name. A few of us are there working late and it’s about 10 or so in the evening. For reasons too complicated and tedious to go into now, his workspace is quite large and has two phones, one on each end.

Phone rings.

I answer it. It’s Steve’s wife. I recognize her voice instantly as it’s quite distinctive. Instead of saying, “Hello Marie, let me get Steve for you. Hold the line please.” I launch into something else.

I would make an excellent receptionist, except for that part about not really liking to speak on the phone very much.

The something else is this:

Instead of being a normal human being I greet her with:

“Is this Tiffany? No, wait, you don’t sound like Tiffany at all. You are Sandy, aren’t you? Nancy? Jeez! Sorry! I can’t keep all you women Steve goes out with straight! Ha! Ha!”

This schtick goes on for a while. A veritable rolodex of names. I’m a hoot!

Finally, I transfer the phone over to Steve on the other side of the room, yelling out, “Steve, it’s your wife, not TIffany like I thought at first!”

No one has laughed or smiled at my delightsome bit of whimsy. Why, since it’s such a clever bit of mischievous fun?!

Completely unknown to me, just a day earlier my man Steve-O had copped to his wife of numerous affairs in the past. And he was cheating on her with someone else (again), though he’d lied to her during his “confession” and said he was “done with all that.”

I’ll be here all weekend, kids! Tip your waiters!

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.