Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Things to Do in Salt Lake When You Are Assuredly Neither Dead nor Discernibly Turgid

My Mom invited our family to go to Mississippi during the holidays this year. This fact in and of itself isn’t that interesting. We pack everyone in suitcases and small scuba-like breathing apparatuses and hope for the best and so far it’s always worked out well. The little kids love it, though Jonah seems to be deathly afraid of the dark, small places and refuses to sleep with covers now, but we save tons o’ cash on plane tickets that way. Which means more prezzies for me!

No, the interesting thing about this trip is that because of some scheduling stuff with my work, everyone is leaving before me and I’ll be home alone for THREE WHOLE DAYS.

Alone.

For THREE days!

Squee!

OK, I’ll miss the fam for sure and I’ll look forward to our happy reunion, but dang! Three days of complete silence and no kids and silence and I can do anything I want and peace and tranquility. And it will be quiet in the house. Have I mentioned that?

Reha asked me what I might do during my “time off” from the family.

“Easy. Strip club.”

Which is a funny answer, for a couple reasons, A) She knows that I know that she’d be “disappointed” in me if I went to a strip club, it would be a betrayal of all the femi-nazi values she has worked very hard to hammer into my wee brain, B) I’ve never been to a strip club, ever, so I don’t know any of the strip club protocols. I know there is something about having a bunch of singles and obviously, I get the idea that there are nekkid wimmens parading around. I also know that there are lap dances and I have to say that is where I draw the line.

See, though I do see the appeal of being in a place with naked women strutting around, I utterly fail to see the attraction once you toss a whole bunch of other guys all sitting around and gawking into the mix. And really, unless Jen is knocking on my door in just a bathrobe, I’m not going to be that excited about the whole thing.

And speaking of “excited” let’s speak for a moment about lap dances and the whole dollar bills being placed on some dancer’s person. I’d imagine that unless one is completely dead in the nethers, one is going to become, shall we say, discernibly turgid while hanging around a strip club place. At least, I’d think that would be the case. The male bartenders probably get used to it, I suppose, but for me, it would be my adolescence all over again and this time I wouldn’t have a huge Trapper Keeper three ring binder to hold strategically in front of my Levi’s.

If you get my meaning.

Anyway, all I’m saying is that “discernibly turgid” is not a state I ever enjoy being in WHEN I AM IN A PUBLIC PLACE. I’d have to think about gardening or start solving quadratic equations in my head before I could stand up.

Anyway, so “strip club,” though it is my preferred “go to” answer, mostly because it always fails to be believable and it’s always funny to watch my wife’s eyes roll around in her head, is not on the table. Though I do like saying “discernibly turgid” and will probably devote an entire post later this month to seeing how many times I can legitimately work the phrase “discernibly turgid” into my prose. Heck, maybe I’ll just do that in all my posts from here on out.

Some other possibilities for my “alone time” I have rejected:

• World of Warcraft, three days straight (I’m a nerd, not a total loser, plus I don’t own the game (for good reasons))


• Knitting a sweater by the fire (never again, not after the last time I tried that, I’m still finding yarn in various places on my person)


• Joining the French Foreign Legion (only for Day 2, though and they want a slightly longer commitment)


• Going to one movie and then theater hopping for an entire afternoon and evening until they close (I’m 40, not 15 anymore)


• Writing the Great American Novel (I would do this, but I can’t come up with a good title)


• Mad About You marathon (Helen Hunt’s squinting gets kind of annoying after a while)


• Declaring war on a small country and declaring myself OverLord (did this last year, not as much fun as you’d think, there’s a LOT of paperwork)


• Curing cancer (the medical schools keep rejecting my applications, even though I write my name very clearly on the application envelopes)


• teaching my clone to write my site (instead of the poorly trained monkey who’s doing it now)

Here is what will really happen:

Days 1 and 2, I have to work, so my evenings will be filled with the following activities: decent take out food and whatever episodes of House or Heros I haven’t seen yet. The third day (a Saturday), I’ll go snowboarding and then pass out seconds after I walk through the door until I have to get up at the crack of down to catch a plane that will re-unite me with my loving family.

Although, frankly, that movie theater hopping thing sounds kind of fun. Might look into that a bit more.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.