Monday, April 07, 2008

The Intern at Work is Not Going to Be Hired On

I sit next to the “intern station” at work.

Makes me a little nutso.

Not just because I can’t remember any of their names.

I don’t want to give the detailed saga of one particular intern, but I do want to share the highlights. He’s gone now and won’t be coming back, so I feel OK about sharing a few salient details.

• He hummed while he listened to his iPod


• Loudly


• And constantly


• My fancy-pants noise canceling headphones, DID NOTHING


• May be a drug dealer. Lots of conversations on his cell that ended with his talking about “taking delivery” and “good stuff, man.”


• Made pattern files in Illustrator that had over 75,000 points and then complained loudly when they wouldn’t print [Trust me, he made INSANELY complicated pieces of art, Photoshop even choked on rasterizing them.]


• An overabundance of flatulence


• I can understand a one time “slip,” but I began to worry about his digestive tract, frankly


• Unplugged the server from the ‘net so he could plug in his laptop


• Sang Rush songs. This was bad a couple levels: A) I like Rush (Shut UP!) and he sullied them, B) his falsetto of Geddy broke my favorite mug.


• Loud conversations on his cell phone with his girlfriend, “Well, just keep trying to shove it in there. It fit last time I used it.” Unclear about “it” and I lived in fear that he’d tell me.


• The “muscle” shirts


• He hoarded toilet paper and I saw him walking out of the studio with a 12 pack stuffed into his bag


• He ate smelly food


• At his desk


• That smell won’t come out of the keyboard now


• Spandex Thursdays


• I’m not even going to go into the kinds of things I found in his workstation’s web history. You know how they say you can find a kink for everything on the web? Yeah, he found them all. Dude, Safari has “Private Browsing” for a reason, man.


• He showed up at my house late one night in a trench coat, scuba gear and a jug of olive oil

I may have made that last one up out of whole cloth.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.