Monday, April 21, 2008

President Panderer, Ready on Day ONE!

Seems like everyone at some point turns their sites over to someone else and lets them have free reign over the joint. Since I am completely bankrupt creatively, I’ve decided to do the same. I am just pleased as punch to introduce my very first Special Guest Poster here on Ransom Note Typography. Put your hands together, kids, and give a warm RNT welcome to former First Lady and potential Democratic Presidential Nominee, the junior U.S. Senator from New York, Hilary Rodham Clinton!

[Quick! Everybody feign excitement and applaud, or she’ll strangle our bunny as retaliation!]

Thank you, Jon! I appreciate the warm welcome and I just want to assure you that Herbert McFluffy Bunnykins is doing fine back the motorcade.

Today friends, in front of this audience of tens (possibly hundreds, Jon is coy about traffic figures), I’d like to talk to you about America and who is going to be the next President of these great United States of America.

First off, it’s going to be me, or not only will Herbert McFluffy Bunnykins be a goner, but I’ll doing a number on Bill and apparently America still likes him. That’s no idle threat. Since that whole Monica-gate thing, I keep his manhood in a sack by my nightstand. That could easily go down a storm drain right after the election.

Folks, I have a plan for America. It’s a simple plan. I want to be your next President and you have needs, America. Tell me your needs and I’ll promise to fulfill those needs. It’s not about issues any more, right? We are beyond real issues in this country. It’s about who can tell you what you want to hear in the shortest possible amount of time.

I understand this, America!

Easy as pie!

For example: America, you say you want to have a “folksy” President and brother, let me tell you, I can be folksy!

I used to live in Little Rock, Arkansas! Doesn’t get much more folksy than that, does it? Ask Mike Huckabee, he’ll tell you, living in Arkansas means you have mud on your feet all the time!

Let me tell you, that’s folksy!

Plus, I can bowl WAY better than those other two clowns! America wants a good bowler in the White House. And I wear lapel pins!

My pollsters also say that America wants a Christian in the White House.

What do I have in that area? Well, boy howdy, I have anecdotes about faith and religion that will make your head spin!

You say you want health care! Lower gas prices! Better schools! Less crime! More war without dead American soldiers!

I have stories and plans for ALL THOSE THINGS, America!

Elect me!

I will pander to you BETTER than those other two guys in the race!

Take John McCain. You think John McCain knows how to pander? Oh sure, he talks up a good game with his “Plain Spoken Express” but the man has 14 or 15 houses all over the country. You think a man with that many houses is in touch with the common people? I seriously doubt it. And he paints himself as a “Maverick,” for heaven’s sake! Do you think a so-called Maverick is going to pander to you and tell you what you want to hear? No sir, a Maverick is the OPPOSITE of a panderer.

And that other guy running for the Democratic nomination. Obama? Osama? What’s his name anyway? Does that sound like a name a red blooded American would have? No way! If he were truly in this race to win, he’d have changed his name to something more palatable years ago! Like Mike or Bob. THOSE are real names, pal. You think Little O. will deliver and speak to what you want to hear? No, no, he’s all about “hope” and “uniting the country” and “moving forward” and “getting past the gridlock of partisan politics.”

Like that’s EVER going to work!

No, America wants a person with EXPERIENCE in telling you what you want to hear. And friends, I have YEARS and YEARS of experience telling people what they want to hear! I will be READY ON DAY ONE to do just that, America!

Ask Bill! I tell him what he wants to hear ALL the time. Heck, he even thinks I’ll listen to him once I get to the Oval Office!

So, America, (and specifically the citizens of the GREAT state of Pennsylvania, which is a place I simply ADORE. Can I have another cheesesteak? With extra whiz! Go Phillies! Go Pirates! Shame about our Steelers and the Eagles, though. We’ll get ‘em next year! Woo!), remember to vote and when you do vote, cast your ballot for the person who’s going to tell you exactly what you want to hear!

ME!

(Plus, I know where you live and how much you care about your family pets. Wouldn’t want anything to happen to them, would we?)

[I am happy to report that Herbert McFluffy Bunnykins is happily back at home. Though we’ve had a hard time getting the “Hillary for President” bumper sticker off his back.

Tune in tomorrow. More Extra Special Guest Posters all week!]

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/21/08 at 08:11 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

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