Wednesday, January 25, 2006

On Schlepping to Sleep

Last night I’m trying to get everyone to bed early and I’m having a bad case of the “You people are making my brain hurt!” with the kids. Reha has brief or a memo or some other piece of legalese due next week and she’s cranking on it 24/7 and that leaves me in charge of all 23 children.

Sometimes that’s not a good thing.

Anyway, last night Jonah (7) asked me if I would come fall asleep next to him, which is incredibly sweet, coming from a boy who is not always known for syrupy goodness. Plus, I’d get to go to bed, so I was all over that.

But the little bundle of ADHD has got a case of the twitches and he’s violating Sacred Vow Number One of being in our bed. Namely, HE’S TOUCHING ME! Not in that way, get your mind out of the gutter. And it’s not snuggling, either. That I could handle, because I’d just shove him over or move him once he was unconscious.

No, he’s lightly touching my arm and it’s tickling the crap out of me. It’s barely there, but it bugs beyond my ability to tolerate. And every time I shift my arm, he subtly moves to regain this fleeting grazing of my forearm.

And we had this conversation:

“Jonah, please be still, close your eyes, relax and go to sleep.”

A series of flutters and spasms and then stillness “That’s great, now just take couple of deep breaths and you’ll be asleep soon.”

“I love you, Jonah.”

Snoring noises. (Totally fake snoring noises, of course).

Uh-huh. I say a heartfelt term of endearment and he responds with snoring noises. Welcome to parenthood.

Then two minutes later he sits straight up, begins ripping off his PJs, saying, “Oy vey! It’s hot in here.”

And 2.5 hours worth of fidgeting later he was asleep.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.