Thursday, November 17, 2005

Her Attorneys Have Nice Stationary, Though

Jen never calls me back. No matter how many times I call and no matter what time of day (or night!) I call, she never calls back. And since that little incident when I was hiding in her shower, I have to keep 150 yards away from her at all times. Do you know how hard it is to have dinner with someone from that far away? And let’s set the record straight, OK? I wasn’t hiding, technically. I was merely looking for stray hairs in her tub drain. Is that so wrong? In reality I was doing her a tremendous favor by ridding her pipes of her random, stray tresses. She was well on her way to having a nasty clog. Because if doing her a favor like that is WRONG, then I’m not sure I want to be right.

And the reason I wasn’t wearing any clothes when the authorities burst in is very easy to explain. Really.

It was hot.

See? Easy. There wasn’t any need to use the pepper spray, mace and a Taser™. And let me tell you, pepper spray on certain glandular areas does NOT tickle!

Meanwhile back on planet Earth…

Got an e-mail from a co-worker teasing me that Jen’s assistant had called me and that she’d like to set up a meeting. And that she really likes bald men. (Jen, not the co-worker, though maybe my co-worker likes bald guys, I haven’t investigated that thoroughly. I’ll get back to you on that, Intarweb)

It is bad or strange or sick that my heart skipped a beat when I read the email and wondered “Oh my heavenly stars on a popsicle stick! What if it’s true?!”

Then I calmed down, hacked her email so every message she sends has a signature that reads “I’m having Harry Potter’s baby and I don’t care who knows! XOXOXO, Ali!”, and went back to making clipping paths. Don’t mess with the Admin, Alison. “root” is God.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.