Thursday, May 22, 2008

Math is Hard!

Possibly the worst thing to come out of this nasty primary fight in the Democratic party is that the Clinton campaign has reinforced the notion that girls (OK, women) can’t do math.

As of this moment Senator Clinton is saying she’s ahead in the popular vote in the Democratic primaries. This is insane, of course, but no one wants to argue with a crazy person.

It’s a bit convoluted, but here’s how she gets there:

• Florida votes count.


• Michigan votes count.


• States with caucuses do NOT count.


• Super Delegate defections do NOT count. (they are dead to her, anyway)


• West Virginia and Kentucky votes count TWICE.


• Votes from “African-American” states count 3/5.


• Votes from crazy ladies with 57 cats count as 58 votes for Clinton.


• “Big" states ballots are “bigger” and thus crowd out the “smaller” ballots of the “smaller” states.


• She loaned her campaign 10 million votes from her Senate landslide of 2000.


• She also gets all the votes left over from the Dukakis campaign of 1988.


• Votes cast in the latest American Idol automatically go to her.


• Most importantly, all the monkeys that fly out people’s butts at the thought of her as the nominee are counted as votes for her

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.