Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Leaving a Trail Wherever I Go

Over the weekend while our power was out we went to the grocery store. Yes, we needed groceries, but we mostly wanted to loiter in a place that was WARM for as long as possible. We bought a tube of these:

I ate half the can on Sunday afternoon before I realized what I was eating. (Technically I’m on a diet, but on Sundays, I eat whatever I want, damn the torpedoes.) I’d gobbled a metric ton of Pringles, chock full of olestra.

You ever heard of olestra? You probably have and this is all old news. It’s a fat substitute. It’s chemically different than naturally occurring fats, but ends up tasting a lot like “normal” fat in food. The body doesn’t (or can’t) process the olestra stuff so the “fat” in the olestra isn’t absorbed by the body. So as a food manufacturer, you can strip out the troubling “normal” fat and replace it with olestra (for a fee under the brand name “Olean” thanks to the wizards at Protor & Gamble) and Shazam on a Stick! you have yourself a tasty, tasty “low-fat” treat.

Except of course for the small problem:
Anal leakage.

And possibly moderate to severe abdominal cramping; presumably as your body rebels and the tries to shoot the olestra gunk out as quickly as possible.

Anyway.

I’m not going to go into a lot of detail here and delve into areas labeled “Too Much Information”

I’m just going to say this and be done with it:

Yesterday my gastrointestinal tract put on a Broadway-worthy show which could best be described as remarkable.

Stunning.

Thought provoking.

Uncomfortable.

That is all.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.