Tuesday, April 01, 2008

L.A. Stories

I won’t give the minute by minute details of my recent trip to Los Angeles, but here are the highlights, in no particular order:

• If anything, traffic has gotten more insane down there. Really, they aren’t kidding. Pack provisions. And possibly an adult diaper.


• It’s a bad thing when someone gives you directions and they say, “take a right at the 7-11. You can’t miss it. There are drug dealers out front.”


• It was snowing and nasty when I left SLC. It was balmy and nice in LA. This confused my internal clock and I’ve begun to bloom far too early in the season


• When you see paparazzi coming toward you, go in the OPPOSITE direction


• Speaking of stalking, some celebrity’s fences are electrified, but not marked as such. Ow.


• The guy offering to take you on a “VIP Movie Star Tour!” is really just a guy named Bernardo who will take you to the Taco Bell where Britney once puked. Not really worth $35.


• L.A. is ridiculous for many reasons, but this one sticks out


• I lose something every time I go there. (iPhone earbuds this time)


• While I’m away, even though I try very hard to make the planet continue to spin on its axis, sometimes the intern back at home base will just start unplugging things at random. Which in turn causes half the studio to call, text and shriek at me from thousands of miles away. I haven’t told the other half my new cell number.


• The wireless password at the Comfort Inn on Vermont Avenue just off the 101 is 3236650344 (phone number of the place)


• If you looked like a movie producer (and have fake biz cards made before you leave), you can get pitched three movies during one lunch


• Fisticuffs can ensue over electrical outlets at the airport. And little kids cry a lot when they can’t watch The Lion King after you kick them and their stupid portable DVD players off your juice.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.