Tuesday, April 22, 2008

It’s the Economy, Stupid

[Today’s Special Guest Poster is Wall Street. Now obviously, Wall Street is an amalgamation of various financial firms, banks and investment companies and they don’t generally speak with One Voice, but occasionally they get together and sit down to chat. We are so lucky to hear from them today. Wall Street was super busy and didn’t have time to sit down and write a whole piece, but agreed to a short interview.]

Jon: Thanks for talking to us, Wall Street. How are you doing today?

Wall Street: How am I doing? What are you crazy, kid? I’m dying over here. I’m up. I’m down. It’s like a frickin’ roller coaster ride over here. I have no idea what I’m doing from one day to the next. It’s driving me nuts.

J: Bit nervous, are you?

WS: Nervous. Out of sorts. As jittery as a hummingbird on crack, that’s how I am. Wait! Was was that? Did you hear something? Jeez, I’m jumpy this week.

J: I didn’t hear anything. Maybe you should sit down?

WS: Sit down he says. Like I can just sit down! Yeah, like that’s going to go over well on earnings day. Man, I have to keep GROWING! Constantly. The pressure is insane! Seriously. Can’t you hear that noise? It’s like a deep rumbling. I think I’m going to faint.

J: Well, look, I just have a few questions. I’ll try to be brief.

WS: OK. Fine. Go. Shoot.

J: OK. Here we go. I’ve been doing a bit of research on market segments and I’ve noticed in the past few weeks and months and that the market as a whole—

WS: Cripes, man. Get to the point! I don’t have all day here.

J: Um. Sorry.

WS: I can’t believe this crap. You gonna ask the questions or not? And what the hell is that noise? It’s like it’s vibrating my head off over here. You have one of those cheap Blackberries? Man, I hate those things.

J: I don’t hear anything on the line. Anyway. What’s the deal with the market? Where’s it going?

WS: You pulled me off the trading floor to ask me where the market is going? You have got to be kidding me. What is this, amateur hour? 

J: I just thought maybe you would have some insight.

WS: Insight. Ha! Kid, where I come from, insight is just another term for insider information, which means doing 5-10 at the Danbury minimum security facility. Here’s your insight kid: The market stinks right now. We are the Paris Hilton of markets right now. All glitz. No substance. The bears are in charge over here. We all thought the banks were solid, but those guys are shuffling paper over there to hide insane sub-prime losses faster than you can say “debenture.” Everyone’s panicking because they know oil is going to hit $150/barrel by summer and all the manufacturing jobs flew to China years ago and all this country cares about is getting the latest scoop on Britney Spears’ crazy hoo-ha. There’s your insight, buddy. That sound is getting louder! I can feel it through the floor now. It’s a deep growling and rumbling noise. You can’t hear that?

J: Sorry, I can’t. So what are you saying? Is it too late for us? Are we screwed economically?

WS: Listen, you didn’t hear it from me, but OF COURSE you are. Look, I’ll do fine. Golden parachute and offshore accounts and all that. But you little people with your mortgages and saving for retirement and college for your kids. Sorry, man, you folks are going to get nailed to the cross.

J: So it’s a recession that’s coming?

WS: DO NOT SAY THAT! What are you, STUPID? You can’t just say that word in public, man! THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT COME! It’s like Cthulhu or something. You speak the forbidden words and The Devourer comes!

J: Oh, sorry about that. OK, next question.

WS: Nope. We’re done. Besides, I have a small and undervalued petro-chemical outfit to take over and break into pieces. Wait! The rumbling is deafening now. IT’S IN THE ROOM WITH ME! AAHHH! MAKE IT STOP! FOR THE LOVE OF JOHN MAYNARD KEYES, MAKE IT STOP! OH NO! IT’S THE COMING OF THE RECESSION! IT’S HERE! HELP! AAAAHHHH!!!!!

And then there was a muffled gurgle and the phone line went dead.

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/22/08 at 08:12 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

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