Friday, May 23, 2008

Here, Smell This, Does It Smell Weird to You?

Reha and I have a long standing argument about body odor.

I say it stinks and she says she loves the odor!

Wait, that’s not true at all.

This is the crux of the argument:

Say you go work out very intensely for a short period of time. You sweat.

Does that “fresh” sweat stink?

To my nose, it does not. And based on my YEARS of research on this matter, I feel that fresh sweat doesn’t stink. Perspiration is essentially odorless. It doesn’t become flagrantly aromatic for a while.

My years of experience equals doing a lot of unsolicited sniffing in locker rooms. And subsequent hospital trips to repair numerous broken bones. Turns out people don’t enjoy being stealthily sniffed. The things I do for science!

See, the stench of nasty? It’s caused by bacteria breaking down and doing their thing and those byproducts give off the fetid ickiness. These bacteria are on you all the time and can’t be avoided and they tend to flourish in dark, moist and oxygen poor environments. Like your feet or underarms or any of your other nether regions.

Reha thinks you immediately stink after a hard workout and I respectfully disagree, pointing to all my research notes and field data (and my broken nose from the last “incident").

“Look, I’m just saying, it’s the bacteria that smells, not the sweat itself!”

Jonah overhears all of this and blurts out, “Of course it doesn’t stink. Bacteria don’t have noses! They can’t smell!”

Which lets me know that he knows how to construct a dangling modifier joke, so I can scratch that off my grand parental To Do List.

Next up on that list, how to make it look like you aren’t sniffing someone when in reality, you totally are!

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.