Friday, January 04, 2008

Failed New Year’s Resolutions, 2008 Edition

Every year I make a nice list of New Year’s Resolutions. I usually do OK with some of them and not so great at others. This year, however, I’m morbidly proud to announce that four days into the new year I have already failed at ALL of my resolutions, so now I can just relax for the rest of the year.

1. Stop drinking carbonated and caffeinated beverages. Unfortunately, the permanent IV line that snakes into my veins from a 55 gallon drum of pure, unadulterated Diet Coke syrup has started to heal nicely. Plus the tubing makes a lovely necklace and the color sets off my eyes really well.


2. Lose some weight I should have never opened that enormous bag of mini Three Musketeers, that was my first mistake. My second was washing down that entire bag with a bucket filled with a delicious chocolate shake. And do you know how hard it is to resist the siren call of bacon or a chicken fried steak with a side of creamy, buttery mashed potatoes? My heavens to Betsy wrapped up in deep fried meat, it’s impossible.


3. Exercise more Haven’t been the to gym in weeks. Have zero desire to to go the gym. Which is kind of ironic, since before the holiday break I was incredibly faithful about going to the gym going on a couple months. I could even see muscles and was starting to see some real improvements. Now I get tired just playing Guitar Hero III with the kids.


4. Stop saying mean things about Republicans When I said, “I bet Mike Huckabee strangles a puppy every day for his morning constitutional,” I meant that as as compliment.


5. Get out of debt This would be totally “do-able” expect that I simply had to have that full set of “mint in box” 1977 Star Wars action figures from ebay the other night.


6. Learn another foreign language. This would be commendable, except my real goal is to learn to swear in as many languages as possible.


7. Be a better father Look, if I’m going to lift even one finger to be a better father, then the kids are going to have to be better children. They could start by buying me Star Wars action figures from their allowances so I wouldn’t have to fork over thousands and thousands of dollars to some sweaty Cheet-o stained geek on ebay who complains if his PayPal payment isn’t completed pico-seconds after the auction has ended: “Worst. E-Bayer. Ever. F-----”


8. Floss nightly This one was so “pie in the sky” as to be laughable. Tried it the other evening before bed and my gums bled so badly that I passed out and woke up on the bathroom floor with floss twisted around my fingers and a pounding headache. Never again.


9. Stop writing posts at work. At the very least I should start manipulating the time stamps so it appears that I’m not blogging at work.

I’ll try harder next year, I promise.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.