Monday, December 15, 2008

This Is Why People Rarely Do Nice Things for Me

Someone did a nice thing for me. This was my response. Pretty sure she’s learned her lesson and will never do that again. What she did is immaterial, but she’s a delight.

Aimee—

Wow, thanks!

Very nice of you.

You’re a peach!

Or some other fruit you fancy if you aren’t partial to peaches. Personally, I’m a ginormous fan of the simple pleasure of a nice, no-nonsense and sweet apple. Say, of the honey crisp or gala variety. Or, if you want to be off-beat, how about pulling out all the stops and try and be a pomegranate instead of a merely “also-ran” fruit like the peach? Be adventurous! Branch out! Although. Now that I think about that, I’m not so sure about moving away from “peach” and toward “pomegranate.” Very tasty the pomegranate, but seldom worth the effort in my opinion. I mean look, it’s a tremendous amount of work to get at all those little flavor nuggets inside. Huge effort, not a big payoff as far as I’m concerned. Yeah, yeah, delectable and yummy and all that, but worth the devotion of like, I don’t know, twenty to thirty minutes of my precious time just for a lousy piece of fruit with negligible thiamin values? (See?) Yeah, doubtful. Some will say that I just haven’t had the right pomegranate and if I would just come down off my high horse and over to Aunt Penelope’s Pomegranate Plantation, I’d see exactly what I’m missing and what the kerfluffle is surrounding the mystical pomegranate. Whatever. Allow me to take a moment and roll my eyes for at least seven seconds like a sullen pre-teen to show my level of disinterest in a freaky fruit that’s a huge nuisance to eat. Somehow, I’ll muddle through and live another day, I’m sure.

PLUS, the juice will stain your clothes like crazy if you aren’t careful.

So yeah, Madam Greeblemonkey, I’m thinking you just stay a peach or some other easy to access fruit. Don’t try mucking around with all this exotic stuff, Aimee. Don’t try and be a hero, Aim! It’s not worth it!

Plus, only commies and weirdos don’t like a nice American fruit like the peach. AMIRITE?!

That’s what I hear anyway.

OK.

The word you are looking for at this point is probably, “Anyway…”

Thanks a lot for the nod. Very kind.

—jon deal

Just to mess with everyone, I’m going strive to be a tomato. “Is he a fruit like the peach? Or is he a veggie? WHO KNOWS?!”

BECAUSE I AM A MAN OF MYSTERY!

—j

1. HA HA!

   Now I laughed again the SECOND time reading this!

   Posted by Aimee Greeblemonkey  on  12/15/08  at  10:46 AM

2. One time, I was in the elevator with someone and they complimented my shoes. We were on the 78th floor and by time we got to the lobby, I was incoherently and enthusiastically babbling about rubber plants in Thailand.

   Posted by Annie  on  12/15/08  at  10:48 AM

3. But have you had that Sheer Bliss brand Pomegranate Dark Chocolate Chip ice cream?  To die for.

   Oh, and the nod? Very well deserved.

   Posted by Novembrance  on  12/15/08  at  05:18 PM

4. lol, too funny.

   Posted by zara clothing  on  12/25/08  at  01:09 AM

Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. All comments belong to the respective commenters.