Thursday, July 31, 2008

This Is Why People Never Email Me Back

First off, if you’ve been reading here for a while (hi, Mom!), you know that I don’t venture too far out of my cave and point out things on the Internet that I enjoy. Links, videos, photos, etc. I am not a “link” blogger, culling the interesting from the mundane on the ’Net, a là Kottke or Rex. Folks like that do the “Here’s a cool link!” thing much better than I could hope to. I have a long neglected tumblr site and del.icio.us thing-y I ruthlessly ignore for that sort of thing. Occasionally, sure, but mostly I just do my thing here and leave being a “taste-maker” to people better suited to it.

Second, yes, I sent the following an email and yes, it was really late when I wrote it, thanks for asking. And yeah, I’m one of those people that scribbles entirely over-long emails. Shoot me dead and leave me in a ditch if you want, but that’s how I roll.

Third, just go read her.

Kyran—

I just feel compelled to tell you that I’ve taken to stopping people on the street and saying, “Hello, good stranger! How are you today? That is a lovely hat you are sporting! It goes really well with those khaki Dockers. I’ve seen you before in front of the Deli, since we both work here on the same street. Now, I may be way off the mark and forgive me for being so bold, but have you lost a little weight? You look more svelte than usual.”

“Thank you, please let go of my hand.”

“I’m merely shaking your hand.”

“True, but the time for shaking has long past and you still have ahold of my hand. To a casual observer it might seem like we are just standing here in front of the Deli, holding hands.”

“Good point. Anyway, I have stopped you here on the street because I simply MUST tell you about this web site I happened upon the other day.”

“Um. OK. What is it?”

“It’s called Notes to Self and it’s written by a delightful writer named Kyran and her prose is sublime. You MUST drop everything and get yourself to a web browser and begin paging through her archives in search of gems and assorted shiny baubles of writing. She also writes poetry, but you know me, I’m not that into poetry and what’s even more odd is that I like her stuff in the first place, since I usually don’t go for so-called ‘serious’ writing and generally stick to people on the web who are ‘funny’ writers, given my proclivity for keeping things completely superficial and light and airy like a good chocolate mousse. But she’s that good. Why are you still standing here? Let’s get you to some WiFi! You can borrow my iPhone!”

“You must be right about this site, though; the foam at the corners of your mouth as you babble about it speaks volumes about your enthusiasm for it. And I haven’t left because you still have ahold of my hand.”

And then I get arrested because the person was clandestinely dialing 911 on his cell phone in his pocket with his other hand.

But I always make bail and once the person actually goes and reads your stuff they agree it’s wonderful and drop all charges against me.

Usually that’s what happens.

—jon

1. utterly charmed. And totally not pressing charges. I need to know there is someone out there more verbose than me. Consider it an act of chivalry. 

   cheers, Jon. and thank you for the kind words.

   Posted by Kyran  on  07/31/08  at  01:53 PM

2. Kyran is beautiful both inside and out.  Which you would know, had you NOT CHICKENED OUT AND BAILED ON BLOGHER.

   Dude.  You SO better be there next year.

   Posted by Angella  on  07/31/08  at  03:54 PM

3. I’m pretty good at the “corporate missive” myself. So much so that my nickname at work is The Wordy Bastard.

   I’m never sure how to take that.

   Posted by That One Guy  on  07/31/08  at  08:39 PM

4. I’ve always been fond of Kyran, but I was able to meet her in person at the recent BlogHer ‘08 conference, and now I’m over the moon.

   Posted by schmutzie  on  08/02/08  at  02:23 PM

5. I can’t say enough good things about that woman. I even started reading Good Housekeeping because of her. I mean sure she might have said “You WILL start reading it now” and I might have gotten a little scared, but really, she’s lovely.

   Posted by Heather B.  on  08/03/08  at  03:29 PM

6. I slept with, or i guess ROOMED with Kyran at BlogHer this year.  She is ALL THAT and a bag of chips and gorgeous, which doesn’t seem fair, but it is true.

   And Jon, you are sweet as pudding.

   jenB

   Posted by jenB  on  08/03/08  at  11:41 PM

7. There’s nothing wrong with being wordy. Or holding hands. Unless of course you have a bad tendency to break out in cold sweats whereby your hands become cold and clammy. Nobody likes that.

   But, hey, look on the bright side, I followed the link, and 100% agree with your missive. Didn’t even call the cops. Keep up the good work.

   Posted by Dick Barsky  on  08/05/08  at  01:25 PM

8. What do you mean people never return your emails?  I returned yours next day, even though you waxed philosophical about skin suits.

   Posted by Kristin  on  08/07/08  at  10:41 PM

Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. All comments belong to the respective commenters.