Thursday, November 29, 2007

Things To Do Before I Die

You know how people have those lists of cool things they want to do before the keel over? Like “Go to France and spit on the Eiffel Tower” (I’m a wee bit afraid of heights, so I’d just spit ON the thing, much easier than having to swallow a bottle of Atavan just so I could get in the elevator), “Learn a foreign language so I can pick up chicks/dudes in France” and “Meet J.K. Rowling and kick her in the boo-roo for the incredibly lame epilogue to Book Seven.”

Nothing so pedantic and boring for me, my friend.

— See the house remodel finished. (this is un-possible, I know, but a boy can dream)

— Moonwalk (the Michael Jackson dance move, not walk on the moon, though that would be kind of cool, but I’m pretty sure I’d get sick during flight training for the moon, throw up during the centrifuge test, have to leave astronaut school in disgrace and become a rutabaga farmer like my cousin Bernie (the one with the removable eye who did time for monkey smuggling).)

— A back flip from standing straight up. (Note to self, start wearing a helmet while practicing and stop practicing on concrete)

— Finish my giant paper mache Millennium Falcon Project. (it’s going to be SO awesome once I figure out how make a tiny furry Chewbacca out of the sports section)

— Invent time machine and go back in time to 2000 and smack every single voter in Florida who voted for Pres. Bush upside the head with a large and smelly trout. Then run away. (Alternatively, if the time machine proves difficult to construct, just find Karl Rove and kick him in the shins. Hard.)

— Get all restraining orders against me lifted. (Specifically, the ones involving Jen and Carrot Top (I don’t like to talk about that one very much. He knows why. I kept trying to tell the authorities the pepper spray just went off; it was a total accident, but no one believed me down at the station, what with the paper trail of weird emails I kept sending him at 4 AM every Thursday. It was a strange time in my life, that’s all I should say.))

— Get Bill Gates home number and prank call him. (“Is your refrigerator running?” that sort of thing. I’m not proud of this one)

— Randomly reach around and tap strangers on the shoulder on the bus and then act like I wasn’t the one who tapped them on the shoulder. Repeat many times until they either move away from me or ask me to stop. (This is such a good idea, I might start riding the bus just to do it.)

You know… at some point, I think I might have to sit down and make a real “before I die to do list.” ’Cause honestly? Besides take Reha on a trip to Venice and see the kids grow up, I can’t think of that much I simply have to do.

Which is not to say that I’m ready to die, but I don’t feel anything that pressing.

Hmm. Perhaps a dose of ambition might be in order.

What’s on your “List”? Can I just steal yours?

1. I love this list! And what makes it even funnier is this: When we were on our honeymoon… we were sitting in Napa and Bryan looked out at a vineyard and said “This reminds me of when we were in Italy.” I thought, “I’ve married a crazy person, because we’ve never BEEN to Italy.” He just had like the biggest brainfart of all time, basically. So, now, it’s a huge running joke about how everything reminds us of Italy, if we’d actually ever been there of course - and how we really should go there sometime before we die.

   Posted by Aimee Greeblemonkey  on  11/30/07  at  07:13 AM

2. I’ve been pondering your question all morning.  All I can come up with is that I should make a list like that before I die.

   Posted by Novembrance  on  11/30/07  at  10:24 AM

3. Aimee The real question is: WHO WAS HE IN ITALY WITH?

   Nov (sorry, too snookered to type out your whole nick-thing, though apparently not too tired to explain why. Oh man, am I tired today) It’s a hard “question” to answer, I think. Suddenly, you have to a) be kind of selfish and think, “What do I want the most?” B) you have to start thinking about priorities and what you really care about, C) in my case, introspection is NOT my thing, D) there is no D), can I go home now?

   Posted by Jon  on  11/30/07  at  10:31 AM

4. I’m still not speaking to Ralph Nader for the whole 2000 election thing…

   Posted by Libby  on  12/04/07  at  08:10 AM

5. Libby Indeed. Just a few less people voting for Nader in Oregon in 2000 (assuming of course that those Nader weirdoes would have voted for Gore) and things would have been completely different.

   Stupid left-y Oregonians.

   Posted by jon  on  12/04/07  at  09:42 AM

6. You need to add something to your list that involves the soft rock band “Air Supply” from the 70’s and 80’s.  Something like this would do well:  Join their fan club, wait for their revival tour, attend a concert, get back-stage passes, and then slap each one of them silly for writing lyrics like “making love out of nothing at all”.  Conclude by barfing into an empty can of peas.

   Posted by Liz  on  12/22/07  at  12:02 AM

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