Tuesday, December 04, 2007

The Official Ransom Note Typography Privacy Policy

By viewing this website via your web browser, peeking over my shoulder as I write (which is super annoying and I wish you’d stop), a feed reader, or absorbing the data from the ether on your new “Web 3.0 iPhone-a-go-go;” you hereby agree to the following Privacy Policy:

We know your IP address. We know where you live. We know that the odds are high that you aren’t wearing pants right now.

We are totally cool with that. Odds are astonishingly high that we aren’t wearing pants either. Pants are for wimps.

We know what browser you are using and though we silently mock and curse you for using IE 5, we believe that you would upgrade if possible, because you are fabulous like that. We know you aren’t using that ancient pile of crappy code just to spite anyone. We’re cool with it, but as soon as you can or the uptight weenies in I.T. relent, get yourself a copy of Firefox, or even Safari, which will blow the I.T. weenies’ Star Wars quoting minds.

We here at Ransom Note Typography World HQ (a hollowed out volcano somewhere in the South Pacific) reserve the following rights, with regard to any information we gather about you, beloved and fetchingly attractive reader:

If you piss us off, we reserve the right to sell your email address to the highest bidder, or if you really torque us off, we’ll just hand your email address over to the Man-Boy Love Association or the Republican Party, though sometimes it’s difficult to tell the difference.

At any given moment, you agree to have us over to your house for pie or strudel. We like pie a lot, but have lately been thinking that a nice strudel never hurt anyone.

You agree to give us your cell phone number so we can call you in a twitchy haze at 3 AM and beg you to have us back. (This is especially true if you are one of our ex-girlfriends.)

If we know your IM account, expect a random stream of inane messages from us mere SECONDS after you appear online. ("Hey!", “How are you?!”, “What’s up?!”, “Have you tried to upgrade to Leopard yet?!” “Isn’t Bush a dork?!”, “What do you think of the new Radiohead?! Isn’t it AWESOME?!") We also use far more emoticons in IM than are strictly necessary and you hereby agree not to deride us for the animated, bouncing smilie faces we are prone to using to drive home our frivolous points.

Though it isn’t required by this Privacy Policy Agreement, it’d be swell if you would buy us a new HD TV.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, send us your credit card information. Otherwise you are likely to find many, many ebay beanie baby purchases, because we just need a couple more to complete our collection.

The “unsubscribe” function on the newsletter is broken. Right now, clicking the “unsubscribe me, for the love of all that is holy, UNSUBSCRIBE!!” link adds your email address into the database three more times. We are working on it. Apologies.

All the information we collect is kept in a secure location: written in light pink ink on red construction paper in a folder labeled “Misc. Recipes—asparagus gazpacho,” hidden under my bronzed baby booties in a file cabinet covered in “Danger! Biowaste!” stickers in a storage unit in Erda, UT. (Note, NO MORE NEW READERS, PLEASE! I can’t keep making that trip to Erda every other day.)

We use Browser Cookies to keep track of your every move on this site. Hey! You! The one without the pants! You were about to click the “close window” button! Take your hands OFF the mouse right now, missy!

If you do not agree to these terms (especially that one about the pie!), please re-consider.

1. I have an apple cranberry crumble for you next time you find yourself in beautiful Vancouver, BC… =))

   Posted by NerdGirl  on  12/04/07  at  12:26 PM

2. I just upgraded to Firefox a few months ago and man, I will NEVER go back and I’m not just saying that so you won’t sell my email address or call me at 3am.

   Posted by Amy  on  12/04/07  at  12:46 PM

3. Just for the record I am wearing pants.  And a shirt and socks and shoes, well clogs anyway.

   Posted by michael  on  12/04/07  at  01:47 PM

4. I think I can abide by all of this nonsense, except for making fun of your use of smileys.  When you use a winky smiley, is it because you are being sarcastic, flirty, spastic, or all of the above?

   I enjoy a good strudel as well.  It is now written on the grocery list for tonight.

   Posted by imaginary sarah  on  12/04/07  at  03:29 PM

5. [Darth]
   I find your lack of pants… disturbing.
   [/Darth]

   Posted by Jenna  on  12/04/07  at  05:26 PM

6. I wear pants. Pajama pants, but they are pants.
   And pie? You like rabbit pie?

   Posted by witchypoo  on  12/04/07  at  06:54 PM

7. Mmmm.... Rabbit pie…

   Posted by michael  on  12/04/07  at  07:13 PM

8. I do love me some Firefox. 

   If I could, I’d email you a pie.

   Posted by Novembrance  on  12/04/07  at  08:01 PM

9. imaginary sarah I don’t use winky smilies, since I don’t know how to wink well in Real Life™. I just end up blinking a lot and looking more foolish than usual.

   witchpoo I’m going to wear PJs to work tomorrow. ‘Bout the best thing, ever.

   Nov you should give Safari on WIndows a whirl. It’s a delight.

   Posted by jon  on  12/04/07  at  11:16 PM

10. I believe that I need a copy of your EULA, now…
    and a clean change of underthings.
    :)

    Posted by Richard "teh Ghey"  on  12/06/07  at  12:27 AM

11. I’m confused, and it’s all your fault. Re-consider WHAT? Reading this post?

    My cell number is 867-5309. Call anytime.

    Posted by Radioactive Jam on Safari  on  12/08/07  at  07:26 AM

12. Can I be the first to say that I am so very glad you did not find it necessary to link to the Man-Boy Love Association.

    However, if you don’t get your pants on.  And I do mean NOW...I’m totally sending THEM to your Privacy Policy.  Not that they haven’t found you on Google already.

    Posted by OMSH  on  12/09/07  at  07:20 AM

Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. All comments belong to the respective commenters.