Thursday, October 04, 2007

The Official and Proper Way to View the Star Wars Movies

As we all know, I have 14 (OK, four) children. Because I love them all dearly, I want to give them the best that life can offer. To some people this might mean feeding them proper meals at regular intervals, finding them good schools, signing them up for piano lessons and dance lessons and clarinet lessons and other, more obscure lessons involving how to kill a man with just your toes (Carrie took that one), and nurturing the hell out of them to within an inch of their lives.

But not me.

No, the greatest lesson and legacy I can teach my children is this:

NEVER TRUST GEORGE LUCAS.

Which really means, don’t trust someone else to show you the stories you want to see. And the Hollywood Machine will almost ALWAYS disappoint you in the long run.

Like many people of a certain age, I grew up with Star Wars. I saw the original in a packed theater in 1977 when I was knee-high to a grasshopper. It was magical and wonderful and quite literally left me thirsting for more. I think I saw it three or four times that year, and each time I think I fell in love with the movie a little more. I can’t tell you how many times I sequestered myself in my bedroom and I single handedly re-created Han, Chewbacca, Luke, and Leia’s great escape from the Death Star. Especially the part where Han lets out a blood curdling scream and charges at the storm troopers. (You know the scene, I’m sure.) Plus, I could do a killer Chewbacca impression back then. “Yarwl!”

I was still young enough when The Empire Strikes Back came out that the glory was still there. By the time Jedi hit the screens I was old enough to see that Lucas had taken what was great about the first two movies and substituted in a bunch of koala bears, running around the woods tripping up storm troopers with vines and large rocks. Whatever. The magic was gone. Well, except for the bit with Leia in a gold bikini, that is priceless and almost, but not quite, makes up for the Muppets littering the screen later.

And I think that’s why everyone was so devastated when “Episode 1” came out and blew chunks all over the screen. All those people who felt the magic back in 1977 expected; no, we demanded that magic be re-kindled. When all we got was Jar-Jar and poor little non-actor Jake Lloyd, we were pissed.

Here’s the thing about Jar-Jar and Episode 1 and all that clap trap: If you show it to a kid, say, a nine year old boy, THEY DON’T CARE. They love it. They don’t see that Jar-Jar seems to be a thinly veiled, slightly racist caricature. They totally relate to Anakin and groove on the fact that he kicks butt in the pod race. That whole movie (and really, when you get right down to it, the entire series), is meant for pre-pubescent boys. And girls, too, of course; though it seems to touch a deep, sub-terrarium need in little boys.

So though I loathe George Lucas for obliterating all my fond childhood memories of Star Wars with the living abortion that is Episode 1, I laugh at the absurd title “Attack of the Clones” and I cringe at the Darth Vader un-veiling “Noooooooo!” scene in Episode III, I do get where he’s coming from. Plus, you have to admit, the light saber battles in the prequels are totally kick butt. Poor Alec Guiness was about 147 when they filmed his battle scenes so he didn’t move that well and they didn’t have such great CGI back then. Even Luke’s later saber battles with Darth Vader in Empire and Jedi weren’t as good as the Darth Maul vs. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon battle in Episode 1. And Yoda with his little bouncing-all-over-the-place routine? Very fun.

So here is my Official Pronouncement on The Order in Which Young Children Should Be Introduced to the Star Wars Movies:

It doesn’t matter.

But, having said that, I’d start with Episode 1 and continue from there. Just go with the chronology and forget the theatrical release schedule. The kid will totally be into it, no matter what order, so don’t try and re-create that same magic you felt when you saw the original Star Wars back in that hot and sweaty summer of ‘77.

Except.

When the DVD of Episode IV gets to the cantina scene and Han is facing off with Greedo, you MUST pause the entire kit and kaboodle and explain to the kid this salient and undeniable fact:

Han shot first.

I know, the latest incarnation of the DVD has Greedo and Han shooting essentially simultaneously; Greedo shooting a hair earlier, missing and Han blasting the be-jezus out of Greedo, but this is NOT how it should be. As everyone who has a pulse and cares about such things knows, in the original theatrical version, Han bush-whacks Greedo and then casually flips a coin to the bar-keep, apologizing for the mess. It’s great, because it sets up Han’s character as a rogue figure and when he comes through in the end for Luke, there is redemption. Plus, it’s just cool.

Don’t try and mess around with getting the Laser Disc version which mirrors the theatrical release or something choppy and awful off the Internet, just stop and explain how the scene should really play out and let life go on. George Lucas may be many things (though “good director” is not one of them), but he did make some movies that little boys and girls always love. I have never met a kid who thought even one of the Star Wars movies were dumb and awful. That comes later.

Except to say that HAN SHOT FIRST and that is the end of the discussion.

1. I have a theory on a lot of these movies where the directorial debut is magic and the rest falls flat:

   These are people who spent YEARS wrting and refining and shopping around their screenplay until someone finally bit and then they got to make a transcendent movie.  See Star Wars.  See Stephen sommers’ the Mummy.  See The Sixth Sense.  Then the studio gets involved in the writing process and says, “Great!  Again!” only this time they don’t have years of refinement while they shop stuff around.  They have premieres to go to and a movie to make.  See The Empire Strikes Back.  See The Mummy Retuurns.  See Signs.

   This, of course, does not at all explain Raiders of the Lost Ark vs the Indiana Jones series.  My theory on that is that the first one was shot and lit like a drama that happenend to be funny, and the rest were shot and lit like comedies.

   Posted by Jenna  on  10/04/07  at  01:48 PM

2. You know about the “Han Shot First” t-shirt, yes?

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  10/04/07  at  02:23 PM

3. Stop posting while at work, Jon. *tsk*

   Posted by Luke Dorny  on  10/04/07  at  03:32 PM

4. Jenna

   Though I do agree with you about the “second movie” syndrome, I don’t think it applies in with Empire. Lucas didn’t direct that one (see here), he was far too busy counting money from his licensing agreements from Star Wars to direct Empire. :-]

   Posted by jon  on  10/08/07  at  02:06 PM

5. Oh, and, in my opinion, and in the opinion of many of my friends, Empire rocked over any of them, so that formula doesn’t have long legs (IMHO).

   Posted by Luke Dorny  on  10/08/07  at  02:23 PM

6. Yeah, I also think Empire was pretty decent.

   Although, I’d kill to be able feel the way I felt walking out of the theater after the original Star Wars. Granted, I was a kid, but I don’t think I’ve felt that way about a movie since them. Except, possibly The Matrix (the first one, of course). I saw that on opening night, without any preconceived notions and that movie blew me away.

   Posted by jon  on  10/08/07  at  02:35 PM

7. Re:  Empire
   He may not have directed it, but he co-wrote, co-produced, and co-edited it, so his fingerprints are all over it.

   I have no response to me and all my friends like Empire best, other than me and my friends didn’t.

   IMHO.

   Actually, after further thought, I believe that Raider is accounted for by my “Ghostbusters vs Aliens” theory, which is that in Ghostbusters, they knew they were onto something good, so they brought the whole team back together to “do it again,” and the result was Ghostbusters II, an unrefined derivation of the first.  In Aliens, however, James Cameron was able to recreate many of the elements that made the first Alien magic and add enough new elements to Aliens to it that it both stood on its own and was deeply satisfying to fans of the original.

   Not that I think about movies.  Ever.

   Posted by Jenna  on  10/08/07  at  02:58 PM

8. Jenna

   You are your friends are obviously just great big poopy-heads. Empire was AWESOME!

   OK, all joking aside, Ghostbusters II didst, yea, verily suck greatly.

   We can all agree on that.

   And that I’ve never been able to sit through ANY Aliens movie. I get a-scared way to easily. “Change the channel! Change the channel! The monster thing is coming!! Aaaiiiiiiiieeeee!!”

   Posted by jon  on  10/08/07  at  03:07 PM

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