Friday, October 13, 2006

The Horror, the Horror, the Horror

First off. Read that title up there. Now whisper it to yourself like Marlon Brando in Apocalypse Now.

OK, done that? We can move on.

Digging around in the bottom our of closet last night I found my senior year High School Yearbook. I know, you are cringing, but the comedic value of this sort of thing is far too good to let go.

Behold… THE COVER. What delights await us inside? The mind boggles. {cue dramatic music..}

So here’s my “Senior Portrait” which is just so laughable as to almost not be funny. They gathered all the seniors into the band room, seperated the boys from the girls and made us change our top half into a tux or this atrocious fluffly thing, depending on your gender. So I had on jeans and a tux. How cool is that? The other thing about the photo is that they asked us to name our favorite song and that would be displayed FOR ALL TIME and FOR HISTORY under our mug shot. A not insignificant portion of my class chose “Darling Nikki” by Prince, because that was SO subversive.

If you recall the song from the Purple Rain soundtrack, The Artist speaks of a lady who engages in, shall we say, self-gratification with the assitance of some reading material. Google if you like

Since I had no designs on being subversive (those desires didn’t come out until my twenties and I had kids, yay for me!), I went with a song which, though I do enjoy quite a bit, even to this day, kind of brands me a dork. Yes, it’s a Rush song, like you really, really had to ask.

Bah… enough… here’s the photo. The thumbnail is über-dinky, so you can get the full effect when it pops and is livin’ large on your screen.

One or two more words, now that you have presumably basked in my glory. They took that photo in the fall. In the proceeding summer, I had been in a car accident and I had lost about fifty pounds, after bouncing in and out of the hospital for three months. The other thing you should note is that by the time that photo was taken, I’d gained weight back. Sad, huh? Combine my Skeletor-like appearance with my geek-itude, it’s no wonder I didn’t date much in High School.

Well, now that that’s over with, can I go on and start gently mocking people? Yes? Thanks, I think I will.

I’m guessing Paige doesn’t wear that shade of blue eye makeup anymore. And, please note that Jennifer chose a Chicago song as her favorite song. And not even GOOD Chicago, but one from the sappy Peter Cetera era.

OK, one more and then I’ll stop.

Pay particular attention to the girl in the middle. Gilda. She was our drum majorette, student band leader, or whatever that job was. And look at the LEDGE of feathered hair above her forehead. You could land a plane on that thing sometimes. And it would poke out of her band helmet thing I think, just so the local traffic helicopters would have a place to land.

OK. I’m done. I’m done. I’M DONE.

Except one more. Just for fun. Here’s the former unrequieted love of my life, Alison.

I showed the pic to Reha last night and remarked, “You know, I’m not really attracted to her anymore. She just doesn’t do it for me anymore.”

Reha replied that was probably a good thing. I shouldn’t be attracted to sixteen year old girls anymore.

Good point.

Special thanks (or blame) to Suburbia @ Large for the inspiration.

1. The cover of your yearbook is hilarious. Exactly what is the bird doing? Well, clearly it needs to rest, since its tiny feet are upholding such a freakishly large torso.
   
   Great post.

   Posted by Suburbia  on  10/14/06  at  05:01 PM

2. Obviously, it’s chillin’. You know, hangin’ out. Being cool and stuff.

   Hangin’ out is all you can do when you have a freakishly large torso.

   Posted by jon  on  10/16/06  at  06:37 PM

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