Thursday, November 08, 2007

That Picasso Quote is Near and Dear to My Heart, Obviously

Good artists copy. Great artists steal.
— Pablo Picasso

The enchanting Angela had another great idea yesterday and I thought it was such a marvelous notion that I promptly told her I was going to steal it as the basis for today’s post. What?! Stop looking at me like that. Theft is a perfectly decent way to conduct oneself, ask anyone in business or politics.

Onward!

Her idea was to post a list of celebrities she’d most like to see when she looked in the mirror. Well, since I’m a boy and would be shocked and rather annoyed if I woke up, peered into a mirror and saw the face of Mariska Hargitay gaping at me, I won’t steal Angela’s stuff completely and will stick to boy types.

The List:

Deacon Jones — Ha! Threw you a curve ball right off the bat, didn’t I? You thought I’d say, Tom Cruise or George Clooney, didn’t you? No way, no pretty men for me. In case you don’t know, Deacon Jones was possibly the meanest man ever to play professional football. He didn’t just want to win, he wanted to destroy you and hurt you in the process. When asked, “Do you have any regrets from your career? Is there one thing … you’d like to do over?” My man Deacon said, “Yes. … I’d kill more quarterbacks.” Insane. Please understand, I wouldn’t want to wake up one day and be a really mean black man, with a taste for physical domination of other players on the field, but I’d like to have that kind of single minded determination about something in my life. Deacon Jones was a monster, sure, but you kind of have to admire that sort of determination to excel. Mr. Jones had goals (fine, deranged goals, but to each his own) and no one stood in his way. Plus, WAY cool name.

Woody Allen — I just want to be able to write like him. I think I’ve read Side Effects more times than any other book I own. I like his movies “OK,” but his writing and his ancient stand up stuff are money in the bank. To me at least. “The Moose” routine still kills me every time I hear it.

George W. Bush — Not because I want to be President—though for the record, I’d be AWESOME, and we all know that, right?—no, I just want to be inside his head for a while. A) To see if Karl Rove really is in there, still pulling the levers, flipping the switches and truly running the show and B) I just have to know if he really is the person he presents himself to be. I hear him speak and I’m shocked at how awkward and dull he sounds. I have such a hard time dealing with the reality that he is the Leader of the Land. That guy? The one who can barely put four syllables together and form a complete sentence? Really? His body language is so atrocious and says, to me at least, “I have no business doing the job I’m doing, I’m barely scraping by. Please, someone help me!” There is a part of me that wants to believe that it’s all an act and he really is a bright, thoughtful and articulate fellow. I know in my brain that cannot be the case, given the current state of affairs here in the U.S. and abroad, but I really want to understand what makes that guy tick. Is he really sincere in his astonishingly naïve belief system, or is that an act? Plus, Laura’s hot, she’s got that whole “Madam Librarian” thing goin’ on. Rwwr!

Brad Pitt’s stomach in Fight Club. Not really his face/hair or anything, though those are nice, I suppose. I just wish my whole self were his abdomen from that movie. I’d just be a walking six pack of toned muscles. I’d use his cute belly bottom for my mouth. I wouldn’t need to see or anything. Hell, I’d look like Brad Pitt’s belly in Fight Club, I wouldn’t need to do anything useful in life. I could just lounge on the couch and people would fetch me things as I asked for them. Because, jeez, have you SEEN how awesome he looked in that movie? You shall obey the abs! The abs are LAW!”

Steve Jobs — Mostly because I just know I’d look fabulous in one of his black mock turtlenecks. First thing I do; I’d march over to the hardware engineering department and ask why they haven’t built me a 2U Xserve and tell them to get on that toot sweet. Tomorrow morning is not soon enough, OK fellas? Next I’d saunter over to the dev teams, pat them on the back for a job reasonably well done on Leopard and then proceed to throttle the goons in charge of designing the folder icons and the Dock. That done, I’d probably just lollygag around and spend a whole afternoon crank calling Bill Gates on my iPhone and asking him about the Zune’s quarterly sales numbers.

Finally, I’d like to look in the mirror and see one of my sons, Lucas or Jonah. A) because both of them are cute as buttons, B) they are generally good guys to hang with and C) I would very much like to relieve my youth with the knowledge I now have. I’m not the wisest person on the planet, but I’m a heck of a lot smarter than I was when I was their age. Most importantly, those boys are skinny as rails and can eat entire vats of ice cream, chased down with a gallon of undiluted Mountain Dew syrup and three dozen chocolate chip cookies and not gain an ounce. I could get into that lifestyle.

Thanks to Angela, once again. Please, Divine FP, keep writing! I very much need the ideas and content!

:-]

Posted by Jon on 11/08/07 at 12:12 AM

Amen twice on “Side Effects.” That was the first book I ever read that made me laugh out loud. Before then, I didn’t know that was possible. It seemed like a worthy goal to achieve some day. So in a small way, that book changed my life.

Posted by workman on 11/08/07 at 02:44 AM
And I must be completely asleep at the wheel. Checking Amazon, I can see that I totally missed his new book, Mere Anarchy. Well, now I know what I’m going to do with the lunch money I stole from Jonah.

Posted by jon on 11/08/07 at 10:12 AM
Hey! You’re too kind. Oh! And by the way,

Dear Jon:

It has come to my attention that you have made an unauthorized use of my copyrighted work entitled Fluid Pudding (the “Work") in the preparation of a work derived therefrom. I have reserved all rights in the Work, first published in 2001, and have registered copyright therein. Your work entitled Ransom Note Typography clearly used the Work as its basis.

As you neither asked for nor received permission to use the Work as the basis for Ransom Note Typography, I believe you have willfully infringed my rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein.

I demand that you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works derived from the Work and that you desist from this or any other infringement of my rights in the future.

Very truly yours,
-Angela

Oh. Wait. You *did* tell me beforehand. Okay then. Nevermind. (The least you can do is give me an idea for tomorrow...) Cease and Desist! Shock and Awe!!!

Posted by Angela on 11/08/07 at 10:36 AM
Angela

Holy pizza on a pig, that legalese sounds frighteningly authoritative. I’m quivering behind the keyboard just re-reading it. I mean, jeez, there is like, LATIN in there and everything. et seq., indeed.

I get very frightened like this when I hear my wife shift into “lawyer-mode.”

Wait, 107 U.S.C. Sec 101 IS the copyright section. Are you hiding a law degree under those petticoats, Angela?

Posted by jon on 11/08/07 at 10:45 AM
Eh, I Googled “Cease and Desist” and then stole a form letter. And now it seems sort of funny that I stole a Cease and Desist letter. Wait. Someone’s knocking (authoritatively) at my door!

(Also, I have no outgoing mail right now, so I’ve yet to reply to your e-mail! Sorry about that. I’m technologically inept and must rely on the time constraints of my friendly server guy.)

Posted by Angela on 11/08/07 at 02:18 PM
Most excellent post.

Posted by Novembrance on 11/09/07 at 12:02 PM

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Thursday, November 08, 2007

That Picasso Quote is Near and Dear to My Heart, Obviously

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