Monday, January 12, 2009

That Domain Is Probably Still Available

Last year I started a podcast with John Moltz called Technology! Whiskey! Sexy! It was a total blast to write and record and I loved everything about it except one teeny little thing, namely editing the thing down to a reasonable length and quality. It was just far too much work for little old me and our shows weren’t just “turn the mikes on and go” affairs. We desperately needed editing. (Sound editing == a lot harder than you’d think.) So the responsibility for our “death” as a viable podcast can completely be placed on my shoulders.

Why, yes, I do have guilt, thanks for asking.

Anyway, I was re-reading some of our “scripts” and this little bit I wrote from our last broadcast was one of my favs. We generally improvised around using the script as a direction and guide, but this is the bare bones and what we had in front of us.

Oh, and today is one of those wacky Internet holiday things. “De-lurk” day or something. If you regularly read a site/blog, but rarely or never comment, today is the day to overcome your crippling and debilitating shyness and toss of few words into people’s comment boxes. Don’t worry if you start to have a panic attack and go into cardiac arrest, I have a portable defibrillator at the ready over here.

Defection

JOHN

OK, so let’s talk about this latest thing between Microsoft and Yahoo.

JON [silence]

JOHN

Hello?

JON [Stoney and dripping with anger and contempt]

What?

JOHN

Are you there?

JON

Yes, I am here.

JOHN

OK, great, so let’s talk about the Microsoft-Yahoo kerfluffle.

JON [sighs]

OK.

JOHN

OK, look, what’s your problem, man? You’ve been pissy all evening.

JON

Me? I don’t have a problem, man.

JOHN

See, right there. That attitude. What’s that about?

JON

Why don’t you tell me?

JOHN

I honestly have no idea what you are over there sulking about.

JON

Oh, I think you do.

JOHN

Is this about the other podcast thing?

JON

You’re damn right it is. You knew I’d find out and what’s more, I think you WANTED me to find out, didn’t you?

JOHN

I think you are over-reacting. As usual.

JON

See, right there! That’s what I’m talking about when I tell Dr. Sanchez that you disregard my feelings.

JOHN

Look, I was asked to be on a guest on a different podcast. It’s no big deal. I’m still here, aren’t I?

JON

It’s just not the same. I thought we were exclusive.

JOHN

OH. MY. GOD. Are you going to bring that up AGAIN? I thought we were past this.

[silence for few moments. Maybe some paper or background noise so it’s not totally dead air, but neither of us are talking]

JON

Well, maybe I over-reacted.

JOHN

And I should have told you about the other podcasts.

JON

And maybe gotten me invited on as a guest, too.

JOHN

Well, let’s not go too far.

JON

See, there you go again! You are ashamed of me. Ashamed to be seen “slumming around the Internet” with a nobody on a “going nowhere podcast.” You are trying to trade up, aren’t you?

JOHN

I NEVER said that. Not exactly, anyway. I just said, that maybe it would be nice if you helped out with with marketing and stuff. And that maybe it would have been good if you had been a little more, you know, “internet famous” before we started this, that’s all.

JON

Whatever. Fine. I’ll get over it. I’m over it.

JOHN

Look, I’m sorry.

JON

Yeah, me, too. And I‘m sorry about the site.

JOHN

What site? The technology whiskey sexy site? Looks fine to me.

JON

Um. No. The john moltz is a big honkin’ loser dot com site I set up a few weeks ago after you were on twit live with Leo.

JOHN

What?

JON

johnmoltzisabighonkinloser.com. A real community has sprung up around it. We are planning a meet up in a couple weeks!

JOHN

What the hell?

JON

Yeah. I guess I should take it down.

JOHN

You’re damn right you should take it down. Why did you even put it up in the first place?

JON

I was upset. And hurt about the other podcasts. I lashed out.

JOHN

By creating a hate site about me? Holy crap, look at this! Says here that I rape puppies.

JON

Yeah, I’ll edit that.

JOHN

Oh my god! I am NOT “hung like an elevator button.”

JON

Yeah, sorry, that was me. I’ll fix it.

JOHN

What fix? TAKE. IT. DOWN. The whole thing. Jeeez.

JON

OK, fine, but you do have to admit that some of it is true. You do have chronic halitosis.

JOHN

IT’S A VALID MEDICAL CONDITION. I’m seeing a doctor about it. She says the pills take time to have a discernible effect.

JON

Sure. And obviously, I’m sorry that we did that pornographic animated GIF of you. That was just plain wrong. But you have to admit that it’s quite well done. You can’t even tell your head has been pasted on. Kid in Oakland did that. He’s got a lot of talent.

JOHN

And it’s the number one hit for my name on google right now! WTF!

JON

Oh, right. I guess that SEO stuff actually works. Who knew?!

JOHN

I don’t think we are done with this, Mister.

JON

Man, you sure do know how to bring the drama.

JOHN

You posted my social security number on there!

JON

Again, with the panties in a bunch! It’s just in the HTML code and it’s commented out. It’s not like it the SS number shows up on page when it loads.

JOHN

There’s a box here that says, “View Source to get Moltz’s Social Security number,” followed by 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, let’s see, TWELVE exclamation points. And it’s blinking.

JON

Gawd. You can be such a weenie about these things. I’m logging in and taking the site down now.

JOHN

Good.

JON [tapping keys in the background as I speak]

Username: moltz-y_pants

JOHN

Oh, god.

JON [more keys]

password: elevatorbutton Annndd… there. Gone. Though you should know that you’ve now ripped apart a thriving community.

JOHN

Somehow I’m going to muddle through.

JON

OK. You want to talk about the Yahoo/Miscrosoft merger thing now?

JOHN

You know, I think maybe we should skip it tonight.

JON

Are you sure, because I do a killer Jerry Yang impression!

JOHN

I think it’d be best if we didn’t speak for while.

JON

Fine.

JOHN

Fine.

END

1. I believe I have remarked to you before on how much I sincerely enjoyed that episode. Reading the script still gets me laughing.

   Which is my way of saying you *should* feel guilty, damn you.

   Posted by Avery Edison  on  01/12/09  at  03:18 PM

2. Delurking.  Just because.

   Posted by Neil  on  01/13/09  at  10:53 AM

3. I thoroughly enjoy that episode.  Also delurking. Boo!

   Posted by Corey  on  01/13/09  at  11:16 AM

4. You never disappoint, mi amigo.

   Posted by Novembrance  on  01/13/09  at  06:35 PM

5. :)
   Ha. Like an elevator button? De-lurking, de-lurking now. You make me laugh.

   Posted by Bethany  on  01/16/09  at  05:55 AM

6. Funny.  Since Lo and I weren’t able to see you while in the big city, maybe downloading the podcast will be the next best thing… You always make me laugh.

   Posted by Chelle  on  01/16/09  at  11:46 AM

7. I am laughing so hard my kids are SCARED.  They think something is wrong with me (they may be right).  That was hysterical!

   Posted by Kimberly VanderHorst  on  01/16/09  at  05:35 PM

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Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

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