Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Suspicious

The talented schmutzie posted a list of things that make her suspicious. She did nine. I’m doing eight, because not only am I a rebel, but I’m an under-achiever.

— People talking to themselves. Are they crazy homeless people or merely yuppies with bluetooth headsets? I swear, sometimes it’s hard to tell the difference. You can’t really go by dress alone. Yuppies have been known to do trashy chic. And certainly you can’t go by what the person is saying. “No, I need you to push that! That is completely unacceptable! Those guys are out to get me!” I’ve heard similar things from both bluetooth sporting weenies and unmedicated homeless people. Either way, I’m steering clear.

— A quiet house. It can mean one of a few things, all bad. 1) the kids are squirreled away, silently “plotting the overthrow of this despotic state!” (really, that’s a direct quote from Lucas the other day), 2) crazy ax murderers have come to visit (again!) and are waiting to leap out at me from underneath the stairs, 3) the pod people have gotten to my family and I’m completely alone in the Universe now. I’ll be lonely!

— People who dislike The Beatles. Please understand, I’m not a huge über-fan; The Beatles were a bit before my time, generationally speaking (SHUT UP, I know generationally is kinda crappy English, work with me here, friends), but how can you say, “I hate The Beatles!”? It’s happy fun music! Mostly. I know, I know, musical taste is an utterly subjective affair, but come on, surely we can all say that The Beatles were pretty decent and you have to be at least a little “off” if you hate them. And Sgt. Peppers’ simply has to be on everyone’s “Greatest Albums of All Time” list. It’s a masterpiece. So if you actively dislike The Beatles, you MUST have something very wrong with you. Q.E.D., I grow suspicious in your company. Back off.

— Beeps that I don’t recognize. Given that my world is full of computers and electronic gadgets, I hear a lot of beeping and chiming. I’ve even gone so far as to program my computer life so that certain sounds that mean specific things. It helps me to know when I’ve gotten email from my wife or whether a server has gone south, etc. So when I hear a beep or twiddle I don’t immediately recognize, I get nervous.

— When I see my contractor’s number on my cell phone. Although when I see his number, it’s not just suspicion, it’s outright terror. “How much? Really? That will set the schedule back that long?”

— People who dress up as their favorite Star Wars/Anime/Dungeon & Dragons character. Look, I’m a nerd and a geek and all that, but the whole cosplay thing not only weirds me out, but I become deeply mistrustful of these folks. You are not a fictional character nor are you in a roving gang of street theater thugs, so please stop dressing like that. This is one of the many reasons why, even though I might enjoy it on some deeply nerdly level, I’ll never go to a Star Trek convention.

— Dora the Explorer. Anyone who talks that loudly has must be hiding something. I think in a later series we’ll find that she off’ed Diego in order to get their inheritance and then tossed him in the sea and he was eaten by his dolphin friends. WHY MUST SHE SHOUT EVERYTHING?

— I become suspicious of dairy products as they creep closer to their expiration dates. ONE SECOND after midnight on the expiration date and I’m not putting that milk on my cereal, no matter if it still smells “OK.” I don’t care. The expiration date is not a suggestion, people, it’s The Rule and The Law.

Since she just made this meme up out of the ether, I hereby tag anyone who reads this and wants to make their own list to feel free to take up the cause.

Although specifically, I think it would be wonderful and life affirming to see a list of suspicions from the following folks:

FluidPudding
Anitra
RaJ
Workman

We are a nation of paranoids.

1. Maybe how one feels about a quiet house determines whether someone has kids or not.  Too me a quiet house is bliss. 

   Not only do I talk to self I address and sign the notes I write to myself, like so.

   Michael,

   Don’t forget to pickup your niece at 3.00PM

   Love,

   Michael

   Posted by michael  on  11/20/07  at  07:12 PM

2. Dora shouts because that little monkey creature is deaf. Or really stupid.

   Posted by palinode  on  11/20/07  at  08:43 PM

3. I have an expiration date phobia, too. If it’s even close to the expiration date, I won’t use it. My dad, on the other hand, is convinced you have a full week after the expiration date to consume the product.

   Posted by Kathy  on  11/21/07  at  04:16 AM

4. “Life affirming?” What does that even mean?!

   Also I laughed at palinode’s comment. In fact I’m still laughing. Which is of course “suspicious” behavior.

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  11/21/07  at  06:35 AM

5. “Life Affirming”
   It just means that we will all be better people once we know what you are afraid of. I don’t exactly know why, but that’s the way it is.

   Kathy I’m sure there is some padding in the expiration date number, but who wants to take chances with that sort of thing?

   palinode That’s as good an explanation as I’ve ever heard.

   Posted by jon  on  11/21/07  at  09:33 AM

6. I’m totally on board with the People Who Talk To Themselves.  And with the Unidentified Beep.  And the Expiration Dates.

   I didn’t want to lift half of your suspicions in crafting a list of my own, but I just wanted you to know I share your suspicions.

   Posted by Jenna  on  11/21/07  at  05:29 PM

7. Most. Excellent.

   I can’t believe I’ve been away from your consistently sterling-quality blog for so long.  I hate NaBloPoMo.

   Posted by Novembrance  on  11/27/07  at  07:14 AM

Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. All comments belong to the respective commenters.