Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Poor House, Here I Come

I’m usually a pretty level headed fellow. Of course, everyone thinks that about themselves, “oh, I’m so easy-going and easy to get along with.” Generally, this is code for “I’m high maintenance in the same way a Ferrari is high maintenance.” I.E., expensive and painful.

So just take it as a given that I’m not that prone to flying off the handle. Look, for example at the ”rants” section of my site here. Basically empty.

But yesterday I just totally lost it. I’d been working furiously all weekend to try and get the downstairs as done as possible. We all have to move downstairs while the rest of the upstairs is being finished. We aren’t nearly ready on either count, but our delightful General Contractor gave me a “soft” deadline to get the basement stuff done over the weekend. I think he knew there was no way in hell I’d ever get it all done (painting, laying tile, laying Pergo flooring, bunch of other small, nagging things like window casements (note to self: learn what window casements are before starting to work on casements), etc.) While it’s not a huge list, it is a TON of work.

So I’m down there inspecting the tile and getting ready to grout what I put down on Saturday and it is all completely borked. Well, it’s not all borked, the parts in the hallway where someone would actually see the tile looks OK, but the stuff in the space where we’ll be putting the washer and dryer just looks pathetic and miserable. Uneven is what immediately comes to mind, but “utterly and irretrievably jacked up to Hell and back” also springs to mind. Now it’s true, with the washer and dryer covering the goofy, crooked tiles, no one will really notice the problem.

But it was one of the final straws that made me realize that I’m NEVER going to get the work done in the basement in a way I’ll be happy with and in any sort of rational time frame. I’m sure that given unlimited time (and unlimited funds and many, many, many trips to Home Depot), I could get it done. It’s a lot of work, and it’s not impossible to learn how to do all that stuff, but I was coming to realize that I’m not really cut out for major home re-modeling work.

Much like a teenager asked to do the dishes or other household chore, all weekend I had been asking myself, “How can I get out of doing this? This totally sucks and this is not my skill set.” Reha came down to check on me at some point and I started ranting and raving. It’s possible froth was also coming out of my mouth.

“I CAN NOT DO THIS ANYMORE. I SUCK AT THIS. GO AND LOOK AT THAT TILE JOB. IT’S ABYSMAL. I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.”

In a moment that reminded me of the scene in Johnny Mnemonic toward the end of that dung heap of a movie where Keanu Reeves screams out “I want room service!”, I screamed out, “I am DONE! I am sick of being dirty and sweaty and stinky ALL THE TIME! I want to go back to work! Where I can sit in front of my lovely flat panel screens and live in my little computer world. WHERE THINGS MAKE SENSE! AND I HAVE CONTROL OVER ALL MY STUFF! And I understand how things work and if something is crooked, I CAN MAKE IT UN-CROOKED BY USING THE ROTATE TOOL. I AM NOT DOING THIS ANYMORE!”

Then I sat right down on the still-after-all-this-time-un-Pergo’ed concrete floor and wept.

I then whipped out my evil Blackberry +2 Device of Loathing cell phone and called our General Contractor and left him a voice mail saying, “Guess what?! You get to earn even more money on this job! I’m going to have YOU finish all the work in the basement. You know where to send the bill. Oh, and while we are at it, let’s re-do both upstairs bathrooms as well. K, Thx, Bye!”

Who needs a 401K, anyway? I can work until I’m 75, right?

And then I went to Best Buy and drooled over 50” plasma displays, since, hey, if I’m going to drain my retirement in order to get the stupid basement finished, I’m for dang sure going to get something besides stupid flooring put in.

And Reha, bless her heart, didn’t say anything like, “Jon, the tile looks fine, don’t do anything stupid. You can totally do it.” She just laughed and said, “OK, no problem.”

This, among all the other innumerable reasons, is why:

“Untitled, No. 1” 2007. Sheet-rock, Ralph Lauren Blue Marine interior latex paint, 3M Painter’s tape

1. Couldn’t help noticing the painter’s tape message isn’t straight. Plus the letters kind of grow toward the right.

   But still.

   I’m sure you’re very punctual.

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  09/04/07  at  09:45 AM

2. I’d laugh, but I’m too busy whimpering over here.

   Posted by Jon  on  09/04/07  at  10:27 AM

3. Despite the fact a few of the more opportunistic voices used this incident to give you a hard time - ref. 1st comment - “I feel your pain.”

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  09/04/07  at  10:49 AM

4. I so feel your pain. Also, look at the cheapy Vizio’s at Costco. Their LCDs are sweet.

   Posted by blurb  on  09/04/07  at  11:16 AM

5. Good call.  Sanity beats the other option. Risperidal and shrinks are just as expensive as contractors anyway.

   http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Risperidal

   Posted by michael  on  09/04/07  at  11:42 AM

6. @1

   I’m sure Jon achieved that effect using the skew tool.

   Posted by michael  on  09/04/07  at  11:43 AM

7. I think you made the right call at the exact right time. Think about it. If you would have been all Hero Boy and driven yourself crazy with the remodel, two months from now would have seen you eating your own hair and taping “I LOVE REHAB” all over your padded Ralph Lauren Institutional Taupe walls.

   Posted by Angela  on  09/04/07  at  12:03 PM

8. Tempting. So very tempting…

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  09/04/07  at  12:16 PM

9. You and Reha are the best couple ever.

   Posted by NerdGirl  on  09/04/07  at  02:01 PM

10. I hate when I lose it like that, but TOTALLY know the feeling.

    Posted by Jonathon Morgan  on  09/04/07  at  05:22 PM

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