Monday, April 09, 2007

On Becoming “Hat Guy”

The time has come. I can not deny it any longer. I should have have come to this realization years ago. Denial is a powerful un-motivator.

I have to start wearing hats.

I’m quite fair skinned. Fair skinned is actually being charitable. I’m so white, I’m almost translucent. I still get bugged when I see “Casper the Friendly Ghost” paraphernalia, because that was my nickname as a boy. Casper. Kids can be mean.

Anyway, I’ve always tried pretty hard to stay inside and if I had to be outside, to stay underneath shaded areas. This protects not just my delicate pasty white skin, but also those around me and planes passing overhead, as the noon day sun reflecting off my skin has been known to cause temporary blindness.

The ongoing realization that I don’t have a whole lot of natural covering up there on my noggin has also been slow in coming. I finally switched to a really short buzz, because it just looks better then having a tuft of hair up there. What really drove this home was last summer when I kept getting sunburned on the top of my dome. Ouch. And the peeling. Eew.

So now I need to start wearing hats. Otherwise, I’m going to keep getting burned up there. And eventually my skin would decided it’s had enough of that and just give up and the whole top of my head will turn into a giant melanoma. Ouch and possibly deadly. Also, eew.

The problem is this: What kind of hat? I’d go with a baseball cap, but then someone might mistake me for a person who likes sports. And then they might try and talk to me about the Yankees or the Red Sox or the Packers, as if I really knew anything about the teams or the rules.

There have been times in my life when I’ve been interested in sports, but those times are always fleeting. It takes too much energy and I have a hard time relating. I like watching the World Series, but that’s about it. Though I am strangely attracted to watching highlight reels. Those “One Shining Moment” things make me all tear-y and misty eyed.

Also, I need something with a brim all the way around, otherwise the tops of my ears get burned. I’m serious! Stop laughing! My ears get sunburned. You ever had the tops of your ears blister and then peel? Let me tell, it’s not pleasant. To repeat a running theme here, eeew.

The problem is that hats with brims (think the classic Bogart Fedora) are from a by-gone age. It’s not the 1950s anymore, no matter how hard the Republicans wish it could be so. Nobody will take you seriously with a Fedora on, unless you are over a certain age, perhaps 50-ish. Or, they’ll think you are an eccentric crank. Which, I suppose I am, but I’m not sure I want to publicize my eccentricities RIGHT THERE in front of the whole world, you know?

I’m reminded of a time in my life when I wore a bow tie. It’s a signature look. Mostly, I liked the fact that I knew how to tie a real bow tie. And bow ties have a certain cache. But then it’s like your entire world is about the fact that you are “bow tie guy.” I had a professor in college who wore bow ties exclusively and it was so classic as to border on cliche. Skinny little professor of Italian (Dante expert, even) who only wore bow ties. Oy vey. The Harvard of it all.

Anyway, so my choice to wear a hat (with a brim to protect my precious ears), is fraught with consequences that go beyond mere sartorial concerns. This hat choice will define me. Maybe that says a lot about me right there. I’m not quite ready or mature enough to say “this is who I am, people, deal with it, mmmm K?”

So here are my choices so far:

Classic Fedora

I’m not really cool enough to pull it off. Though maybe once Indiana Jones 4 comes out, I’ll be ahead of the fashion game if I’m seen wearing the classic Indiana Jones fedora. Probably not.

Fez

Well, a fez is just totally awesome, but Reha wouldn’t be seen with me and the tassel won’t cover my ears. And how can you top this? I’m afraid I’d pale in comparison.

Sombrero

Again, just delightful and it has all the sun blocking benefits I desperately require, but it’s hard to get through doorways or in and out of cars. Plus five for UV blockage, minus several hundred for style.

Pimp hat

I think that pic says it all right there. Not really my style. Too white for one thing. Not enough ‘hos in my life for another.

Beret

Bit too French for me. I like the French fine, especially their fries, their toast, their kissing, and of course their maid outfits, but perhaps investing in their hats is taking things a bit too far. Plus Monica Lewinsky ruined the beret as a fashion accessory for either gender.

I think I’m going to stick with my standard Sundance Film Festival Hat I got back when Sundance was still a cool place to go to, back before Paris Hilton started showing up. I’ll just have to deal with the ear problem. Hat in question shown on Reha “the unwilling model, why am I wearing this hat and WHY ARE YOU TAKING A PICTURE OF ME WITH THIS STUPID SMELLY DIRTY HAT ON?” Deal. Yes, that whole thing is her new nickname.

Though if I could get away with it, I think I’d wear a pork pie like Popeye Doyle’s from The French Connection. But again, not quite cool enough to pull that off.

If you have any hat suggestions, feel free to leave links in the comments.

1. Urban Sombrero??

   Posted by blurb  on  04/09/07  at  08:27 AM

2. What about a Cowboy hat?

   Posted by Jenna  on  04/09/07  at  09:19 AM

3. blurb: Oh right! The Seinfeld bit. How could I have forgotten about Elaine’s Urban Sombrero.

   Jenna: Yeah, if I can’t make the Fedora work, I’m pretty sure my Yankee goofiness isn’t going to be able to make a cowboy hat work. :-]

   Posted by jon  on  04/09/07  at  09:47 AM

4. Welcome to the club!

   Posted by ALRO  on  04/09/07  at  10:01 AM

5. You forgot about the bucket/boonie. 

   I always wear a hat when it’s sunny.  lately, my hat of choice is a bucket hat made by Kavu.

   Posted by michael  on  04/09/07  at  10:14 AM

6. I vote for the pimp hat. I mean, I know, you’re too white and not enough ho’s, but really can’t you make it work? Throw on a wife-beater t-shirt and give a good try?

   Posted by Woman with Kids  on  04/09/07  at  11:29 AM

7. Re:  Fedora vs cowboy hat

   See, the thing is that the Fedora has this air of… earnestness about it.  With the cowboy hat, you just have to embrace the absurdity :-)

   Posted by Jenna  on  04/09/07  at  08:11 PM

8. What about a Flat Cap?

   Posted by Sirdar  on  04/09/07  at  10:09 PM

9. Yeah, I have an ancient flat cap that thing that I got in Italy a million years ago. Works well for covering up my overly shiny head, but it’s makes me feel like a grumpy old man. (In Italy, it seemed like only really ancient men wore hats llike those.)

   Though maybe I am just a grumpy old guy these days.

   Posted by Jon  on  04/09/07  at  11:10 PM

10. Oppenheimer wore a porkpie, right? You could be like, the grandson of the father of the atomic bomb. Wait - I’m the dude with the nucular fixation, aren’t I? Never mind.

    Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  04/10/07  at  04:49 PM

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