Friday, October 23, 2009

My Wise Investment

My Wise Investment

Yesterday, one of my many fake Internet friends (Scott Simpson) made an offer on a house:





Being the helpful (and shrewd) sort of person I am, I leapt into action.

I sent him $2 via PayPal.





Scott wrote back to thank me:

You are a true friend. This just might put us over the top.

Best. Paypal. Gag. Ever.

But, like so many things in Scott’s life, he’s wrong about this. I wasn’t making a joke. There’s no gag here. I’m making an investment. Even in this freaky market, real estate is still a solid long term investment strategy. I whipped out my creaky Vic-20 and responded:

If you get the house, I need to tell you that because of my contribution(s) to this endeavor, I will consider certain nails, screws and/or boards located in the house to be my property.

Furthermore, I will feel perfectly justified in visiting my property any time I see fit. Oh, it’s 2:30 in the morning, I’m drunk on peppermint schnapps and in my underwear at your doorstep? It’s cool. Don’t freak out. The doorstep is mine.

I will also reserve the right to collect my property from you any time in the future. Yeah, you want those nails in the joists that hold up the second floor above the kitchen? Those are mine, pal. I OWN THOSE. NOT YOU. And I need them now. Gimme. Be glad you’re a friend and I probably won’t charge you any rental fees for the duration of your use.

Should you sell the place, you must transfer any profits from the sale of my share of the house to me within 30 days.

—jon

So good luck on your house negotiations, Scott! Just remember, you’re planning for both your family’s future and mine.

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

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