Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Mouse:4, Jon:0

Reha started trying to evict our little brown furry buddy by having a nice chat with him. Explaining to him in detail that we while were honored that he would choose to visit us, wouldn’t he really be happier living a life of freedom out the wilderness of the foothills of Salt Lake? Didn’t he hear the call of the wild? We’d visit him on occasion since we knew that he’d miss us something fierce.

That of course, did nothing.

So I got a non-lethal trap, wherein he would stick to the thing and we could deposit him in the great outdoors after applying a bit of vegetable oil to loosen him off the sticky stuff. He ate the bait and moved the trap to a place under the lazy susan in the cabinet where he could use leverage to extricate himself.

Then I got these Rat Be Gone ultrasonic things which plug in to the wall and supposedly emit frequencies guaranteed to drive mice crazy. Think old people yelling at those crazy kids to off the lawn, but the old people have REALLY high voices and the kids are rodents (a metaphor which strikes pretty close to the truth, Ha!)

So that’s a total scam, OK? I don’t think they emit anything. It’s the Emperor’s New Clothes, but with electricity instead of a loom.

I finally set a real live Death Trap™ under the cabinets for our fury little friend. People advised me to bait it with peanut butter and bait it with peanut butter I did. And not just any old random Jif, either. I used our extra special, USDA certified organic peanut butter, which I happened to have purchased at Sam’s Club of all places. The kind you have to refrigerate and stir. I’m not a peanut butter fan, but people in the Deal Family Compound seem to like it better than anything else we’ve tried.

The fact that I used USDA certified organic peanut butter really doesn’t play any part in the story, of course, nor does the fact that I purchased the USDA certified peanut butter at Sam’s club have any real bearing on the story, but it does bring up a point, I think. One: we should have just used Jif, since as you are about to read, the little demon made off scot-free with the goods and I’d be happy to pump him full of certified NON-organic and hopefully rodent killing chemicals. And two: How weird is it that Sam’s Club is getting into the biz of selling organic stuff? That was the only thing I saw in the 100,000 sq. ft. warehouse that was close to organic, so I had to buy it, if only for the mere novelty of having purchased it there.

Little bastard ate the peanut butter right off the trap. Probably licked the thing. And then did a little “I rock!” rodent victory dance after he was done. And I KNOW that the trap is working perfectly well, as it nipped the tip of my finger while I was testing it. Ouch-y.

I’m going to try again tonight. Baiting it with peanut butter again. Possibly some bacon, too. (Insert Homer Simpson voice… “Mmmmm, bacon!") And this time I’m putting the trap inside a cereal box. That way he only has one path in or out and is more likely to meet Death by metal bar and powerful spring from above.

And if that doesn’t work, screw it, I’m going to call exterminators. I’m kind of tired of storing all our food on the counters instead of under counters, safely tucked into the cabinets.

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Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

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