Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Just don’t call me Mad-Eye Moody

So if you are squeamish, you might want to tune in to a different channel for this post.

Pretty much all my life I’ve had this thing with my eyes. One of my eyes moves inward causing me to look a bit cross eyed. Makes it so I can do “stupid face/dumb guy” looks with ease. But, the practical upshot of this “feature” is that I have double vision.

When I was younger I could pretty much control my wandering eye and I’d only see double at the end of the day or other times when I was really tired. As I’ve gotten older I’ve needed stronger and stronger prism lens glasses in order to bring my eyes into correct forward facing position. Now if I’m not wearing my glasses, which are quite thick I might add, I see two of everything. Don’t ever drive with me if I don’t have my glasses. I’m not safe at all. This only really becomes a problem when I go jogging and I can’t wear the coke bottle specs. I haven’t ever really run into anything, but I’ve come really close to ramming into sign posts and this one time, a utility pole.

So yes, when the teacher said, “Eyes in front, class!” I was exempt.

Now I’m reminded of the old Steve Martin routine where he talks about wanting a woman with no neck. So when he walks into a room, every head turns, except hers, “Because she has no neck!”

Anyway, so after dealing with this crap for most of my life and having it get progressively worser and worser until now it the worstest it’s even been, I’ve decided to do something about it.

I’m gonna get me some surgery to fix me up proper. Here comes the squeamish stuff so skip a bit if you don’t want to catch the gory details.

The surgery involves cutting, moving and re stitching three of my eye muscles. Two in my right eye and one in my left. I’ll be put under for the procedure, but the kicker is that they put in what amount to slip knots so they can check alignment after I’m awake. Surgery in the morning and in late afternoon I have an appointment to check alignment. If the alignment isn’t perfect from the morning (moderate probability), the doc will numb my eyes and tug or loosen the stitches as necessary.

Yes, I’m sure this will hurt, notwithstanding the numbing.

So last night I had a dream where I met someone who had the exact surgery I’m having. His eye did this really cool thing where when he moved his head his eye would react a second later and then follow his head. And the eye would kind of bounce back and forth until it settled into place. Like a yo-yo.

Yeah, that was cool. Wait, that’s not cool at all! I’m a-scared!

Again, not for the squeamish, here is what’s going to happen.

And, just in time for Halloween, I’ve have solid RED eyes for the next few weeks. Makes sense, you can’t just abuse the eyes that way and not have them get all fussy.

Commenting is not available in this weblog entry.

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. All comments belong to the respective commenters.