Monday, April 23, 2007

Kiss of Death

A long time ago, I had my first girlfriend. I’d tell you her name, but there really isn’t any reason why someone, possibly searching for her on the ‘Net should land here. The indignity. Plus, it was such a long time ago that I can’t remember her name exactly. Something in the Laura/Lori/Laurie family.

This was SO incredibly long ago, kids. No internet, obviously; but barely even any personal computers. My junior high didn’t even have a computer. The school district had one, I’m pretty sure, but it was delivered on a big ol’ truck and it made the news when it came. And, you had to be a member of some technical high priesthood in order to even touch the thing. A bit like how I see Perl these days, frankly.

So Laurie was my first “real” girlfriend. We were both in eighth grade. She had the AWESOME-EST hair you can imagine. Flaming red and she could feather it just like the ladies from Charlie’s Angels. Totally tubular, man.

Laurie were “going together.” Now you have to understand that I was a little unclear on exactly what that meant. I knew that if I asked her to “go together” that meant that we would eat our lunch together. It also meant that I walked her home and we held hands. Unbeknownst to my thirteen year old brain, it also meant that we were supposed to kiss when we left each other’s company. I know, usually most teenage boys would be well aware that kissing was “on the menu,” but I was a bit of a naïve kid. I would have been just as happy to share a game of Space Invaders as a kiss.

Laurie’s friend Andrea patiently explained to me one day that I was supposed to be kissing her, as well as eating with her, walking her home and holding her hand. So MANY duties! I don’t remember much of what Andrea said to me, but it was along the lines of, “Why aren’t you kissing her, you dolt?” I think Andrea later became a professional “intervention-er.” She certainly had the edge.

I was, of course, mortified to kiss a REAL LIVE GIRL. Certainly I had apprehension about doing it wrong and having her bust a gut laughing at my non-existent “technique,” but mostly I was concerned about how to broach the subject with Laurie. Was I supposed to ask? Surprise her? Talk about it first? Seemed logical that we’d kiss when we got to her house, but I was walking my bike and she was on foot. I’d have to put the bike down on the street, turn around and then move toward her and plant a wet one on her. That would take FOREVER, but if I tried to just lean over, I’d drop my bike or something. And I have to admit right here, that though Laurie and I were had been “going together” for week or so (ever since I’d asked her to “go together” at the her Halloween party (I came as a pirate, Yar!)), and I did like her a lot, but there was no way I’d just drop my bike on the ground in any other way but a “gentle, leaf fluttering to the ground” kind of way. Maroon Raleigh ten-speeds don’t just grow on trees when you are in eighth grade, you know?

Cut to a discussion in the AV club a day or so later. We were making fake commercials and we tossed around a couple ideas and came up with this.

Yes, I was in the AV club, you gonna make something of it? I’ve already admitted here that I was a primo geek; being in the AV club should come as NO big surprise.

The premise of the commercial was simple: Two people of the opposite gender are at a bus stop, about fifteen feet apart from each other. They both take a pack of mints out, (the same fake brand of über-mints, natch). The lights go dim and baby spotlights hone in on each person and the camera quick cuts between the two of them, each un-wrapping and putting a mint in their respective mouths. They start to feel “strange,” they cast glances at each other and they begin to move inexorably closer to each other. They begin to sweat a little. The guy loosens his tie and the girl fans herself a little.

It’s the mints, duh! All hail the power of the mints!

They can’t contain themselves any longer! They fling themselves at each other and in an instant they are locked in a passionate embrace.

And… SCENE!

FADE TO BLACK

V.O.: Omnipo-mints! Be careful where you have them!

Or something like that. I can’t remember the fake tag line. But I do know that every time I see one of those Axe deodorant commercials where the women can’t control themselves, that I essentially wrote the premise of that commercial back in eighth grade.

Since we were in the AV club (dork city, baby!) and I was the only one lucky enough to be “going” with someone, I was nominated to be the “guy.” Laurie was totally OK to be the girl; which says something about how dang cute we Deal boys are when we are geeky and thirteen, I guess. I was kind of freaked out that I was going to have to kiss someone, even though I was supposed to be kissing her already, but Brian talked me into it. Brian is probably the number one refrigerator salesmen in Nome, Alaska, that how good a sales weenie he was and probably still is.

So we rehearse the scene and lunge at each other, but we never make lip-ular contact during rehearsals. But then we get in costume we have the lights and Brian even had a fog machine going. (Seriously)

The moment comes and we smash right into each other in the middle of the set. Like a free safety hitting a wide receiver over the middle. WHUMP! And we kind of knocked each other backwards. Kinda hurt as I recall.

Take Two:

Less force, but I closed my eyes about two feet away from impact and miss her mouth completely. I think my lips hit her left eyelid.

Take three:

Solid contact, but again, I close my eyes too soon, and I miss again.

More of the same; missing her face, I tripped once, and just general mayhem until finally:

Take seventeen (approximately):

BINGO! Print that one! After Brian yelled “Cut!” I sat down and didn’t move for a few minutes, if you know what I mean.

So there you have it. Not only was my first kiss dreadfully embarrassing to everyone involved (though usually that would just be the two people actually doing the kissing), but it was saved for posterity on VHS tape.

No, I will not digitize it and upload it to YouTube. I have no idea if it even exists anymore. Kinda hoping it’s lost to the ages.

And Laurie, if you ever read this, I’m *really* sorry about take six and giving you a bloody lip. Totally my fault.

1. Wait, you’re supposed to kiss?  Dang, no wonder I’m 38 and single.  Thanks for letting know.

   Posted by michael  on  04/23/07  at  10:40 AM

2. Hey...but at least you got the kiss in there sometime.  This woman thing takes practice.  Kind of like the other major hurdle in life after the kiss :-)

   Posted by Sirdar  on  04/23/07  at  07:45 PM

3. Yeah, Michael, but where you are concerned, there is also the “personal hygiene” issue.

   I keed, I keed!

   Posted by jon  on  04/24/07  at  08:51 AM

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