Friday, October 12, 2007

iPhone SDK is (not) Coming Soon!

As Crazy Apple Rumors noted yesterday and much to the disappointment of iPhone weenies everywhere, there will be no iPhone SDK (the software gunk that allows people to develop software for the iPhone (a Software Development Kit)), all rumors to the contrary. In case you’ve been under a rock, the nerd world is all a-flutter about Apple being douche-y about iPhone software development.

Short summation of a long winded topic: You can’t get non-Apple “real” iPhone applications. There was a short time after the device was released when you could. But now you can’t, because Apple cut off the way ingenious folks were accessing the device and installing “third party” non-Apple-blessed applications. The update that cut off access also “bricked” (made completely inoperable except as a sexy status symbol paperweight) some people’s iPhones. Even shorter summation: the whole thing kind of stinks and many nerdly folks are (justifiably) in a lather.

Moltz, though he’s very clever, missed a couple upcoming Apple announcements. Instead of an iPhone SDK, Apple will shortly release the following iPhone models:

• iPhone AV — Includes a special API which pulls all available data on whether or not Abe Vigoda is alive or dead.
• iPhone WTHIL — an iPhone with a nifty little counter that counts down until the end of October. Every morning, you get a visual voice mail that asks, “Where the Hell is Leopard?” so you don’t have to ask that question yourself. (Like I do every day.)
• iPhone TSR — Comes pre-formatted with the entire series of That’s So Raven! Though if you are a true fan (like me! Go Raven! Go Raven!) you already have all the episodes, but Apple is really trying to push the magic and mystery that is the “That’s So Raven!” show. Tony Fadell, Apple’s Senior V.P of the iPod Division is completely enamored and finds the show sublime and moving. In a truly spectacular hissy fit, he held his breath in the corner until Jobs agreed to ship the product.
• iPhone STD — Gives you a social disease if you add any 3rd party hacks. “Better than merely bricking! If you install any unauthorized software, your private parts will begin to ooze and will eventually fall off!”
• iPhone “touch” — adds user-customizable backs to the iPhone. Instead of that hard, impenetrable silver back, you can get something soft and furry. Or silky. Or rubber. Or vinyl. Or leather. Mmmm… leather… may I be excused for a moment?
• iPhone KVM — Kill Vincent Minnelli edition. Your iPhone sends out subliminal signals telling you to seek out and kill Vincent Minnelli. Wait, he’s already dead? Well, it’s beta stuff anyway.
• iPhone DRM — an iPhone so loaded down with DRM (Digital RIghts Management) that it brings NBC back into the fold.
• iPhone BM — Specifically targeted at potty training toddlers. Calls them hourly to ask if they need to go potty.
• iPhone Nike++ — With this limited edition iPhone, you buy a special insert for your Nike shoes, which allow you to make calls from your Nike shoes, like Maxwell Smart. You merely press the special “swoosh” button on your iPhone Nike++ (This post sponsored in its entirety by Reebok Nike.)
• iPhone 8 — iPhone now has a Magic 8 Ball interface. Thanks to some “patented out the wazoo” multi-touch and accelerometer technology, you must shake your iPhone before making every call. “Signs point to yes!” (Also, see special note in the documentation: DO NOT DRINK ANY BLUE LIQUID THAT MAY LEAK FROM YOUR iPhone 8. If you see any blue liquid trickling out, take the iPhone 8 to an authorized Apple Service Center IMMEDIATELY.)
• iPhone WoW — World of Warcraft edition. Calls you automatically to remind you to eat/sleep/deficate during long WoW sessions.
• iPhone AARP — Old people iPhone. Call volume goes up depending on age of user. Doubles as denture fixative dispenser. For $49 you can also purchase the companion Good Grips case, specially designed for the iPhone AARP.
• iPhone LOLz — All display functions done in LOLCAT-speak. “I can haz Voice Mailz!?” And you WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO CHANGE IT. So when that Internet fad fades into dust, you will look even more foolish. And on the plus side for Apple, you will have to buy another iPhone! Cha-ching!
• iPhone YYZ — For all the Rush dweebs. Background is an unchangeable image of the “Red Star” device from the 2112 album. Comes with Neil Peart drum solo ringtones.
• iPhone DF — automatically beeps out a small fanfare and connects to Daring Fireball whenever Gruber posts something snarky about the Yankees, font rendering in OS X, Kubrick or says “jackass.”
• iPhone GS — Instead of running “OS X” this one runs on Apple II GS software. Woz silently weeps with joy to Kathy Griffin, “Apple II Forever!!”
• iPhone GTD — Has Merlin Mann’s home phone number pre-set as speed dial #1 so you can call him to ask what you should do next during the day.
• iPhone SDK — A real live Software Development Kit. With code examples! Testing suites! XCode modules for easy iPhone ARM processor code generation! Wait… sorry about that. We were saving that announcement for April 1, 2008. Ooops.

OK, truth be told, Moltz said he was looking for some assistance for his CARs post last night. Though I wasn’t on the list of people he was going to email for help, I volunteered and sent him the above “stuff.” He only used the “iPhone STD” and Abe Vigoda jokes, though I later made the STD thing gender neutral. And, yes, as a matter of fact, I am still obsessed with Abe, why do you ask? Moltz’s iPhone WWJD is pretty funny.

1. You bring up a good point.  Where the Hell is Leopard!?!  I’m still running 10.3.9 I’ve been waiting for Leopard to come out so I can upgrade.

   Posted by michael  on  10/13/07  at  01:53 PM

2. This is so brilliant, I can barely stand it.  I’m sending everyone I know here to read this.

   Is Vincent Minelli still dead?

   Posted by Novembrance  on  10/20/07  at  08:43 AM

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