Tuesday, May 29, 2007

I Drive a Mini-Van and I’m Proud of It

Well, OK, technically, I don’t drive the mini-van. At all. Reha drives it as her daily commuter. And when we pile everyone into the thing for a trip to the store or to the gypsies to try and off-load one of the kids, I tend to “let” Reha drive more often than not.

I do this by a number of somewhat underhanded means. I “forget” my keys in the house. “Oh crap, I left my wallet at work. Again. Nuts. Guess you’ll have to drive, babe.” And the best one, “The Dark Lord took away my ability to drive in exchange for the power of flight. I’ll meet you there, though.” Since I rarely launch into the air toward the T.G.I.Fridays, she may be on to me.

But I was thinking the other day, What’s the big hairy deal about the mini-van? Why does it have such a stigma associated with it in my teeny head? Am I ashamed that I have so many kids that I need to have an 18 passenger monster careening down the suburb streets? Do I secretly wish that I didn’t need the beast? Do I wish we could have something “sexier” to drive than a big stupid mini-van?

The answers to these questions are:

So why does the min-van have this awful presence in our minds? Just about everyone I know, and certainly everyone I work with at my pretentious design firm, would rather DIE than have to drive a mini-van. Even the guy with five kids would rather have two SUVs than one van. It’s like admitting that you are no longer cool are something. I’m “just” a parent now. The process of transformation from young, hip and über-cool to frumpy, pedestrian, and un-cool is complete. You drive a mini-van and you are one wee step away from pulling yours pants all the up to your sternum and yelling at those dratted kids to stay the hell off your lawn.

Now, it’s true, that the aesthetics of the mini-van aren’t really all that great. The gaping maws of the sliding doors don’t lend themselves to clean and lovely lines. They usually have long, swoop-y noses; kind of like Jimmy Durante. Not pretty. You sit high up, like you would in an SUV or truck, but you have none of the macho goodness those vehicles provide. Probably you get a V-6, the proverbial cop out of a motor. “Yes, we know a four cylinder won’t cut it, but there is not way we are wasting a good V-8 on mini-van. Nu-uh. So here, have this wimpy V-6. Good luck running the A/C going up that hill.”

When you drive a mini-van you are also essentially admitting that your life is no longer your own. You have so many people and crap to ferry around that you need all that extra seating and storage. “Mom’s Taxi,” “Mom’s Limo” and “Haulin’ Kids” are all license plate frames I have seen on mini-vans. So the person (usually Mom), who has to drive the thing is at the bidding of someone else’s life schedule. So the mini-van is symbolic of a loss of freedom.

But what about the SUV? I know PLENTY of people who opt not for the chains of the mini-van, instead preferring to shackle themselves to an SUV and its thirst for petrol. A good sized SUV can haul the same number of munchkins to soccer practice and usually carry even more goods ands sundries than your average mini-van. (Our Toyota Sienna, for example, has crap for storage in the “way back.")

Plus, an SUV has one thing going for it:

IT IS ABSOLUTELY NOT A MINI-VAN.

You would never ever look at an SUV and think it looks frumpy or featureless. On the contrary, an SUV says, “I can go ANYWHERE I want, thank you very much. Hell, I don’t even need a road! I can just pop this bad boy into 4WD and go hunt bears in the wild, dude.” Never mind that like .03% of all SUVs are ever taken off-road. The only off road most SUVs see is when Mom dips into the cooking sherry and hops the curb into the neighbors yard after completely missing the entrance to the garage.

Which is, I think the essence of why the SUV caught on. The SUV says, “I’m powerful. I’m potent. I can do anything I damn well please. I’m an American, by god, it’s my constitutionally protected right to drive this beast!” The mini-van says you are a slave to your kids and the family and all the other things that control you. An SUV reverses that and gives you the illusion of control. An SUV is an epic poem in embryo and the mini-van is a limerick scrawled on the bathroom wall.

Now as a red-blooded American dude, I can tell you which kind of vehicle I’d rather tool around in. (Neither, frankly, I like my car, just fine). But given the choice, I’d much rather drive a big ol’ road terrorist than something that says “soccer practice is @ 5:30, don’t forget, honey!” I would never, ever buy a Hummer H2, but I will admit that they look kind of cool. There’s something unmistakably alluring about driving something with more raw horsepower than all of the cars I’ve ever owned, put together.

One thing the car companies have excelled at is selling the car/truck/moped as a fashion accessory. The kind of car you drive says a whole lot about you, of course. I won’t list everything I could think of, but here are few off the top of my head (I’m sure you could come up with your own as well):

Obviously, I’m playing on stereotypes, but I’ve never known a redneck who drove a Volvo. But what the car companies seem to have been able to do is inject something into the water that makes SUVs into desirable objects. Maybe not on their own, but sitting next to a mini-van, an SUV is just sexier.

Which is odd, really. Because in order to get to the level of parenthood where you require the services of an 18 passenger mini-van, you and your spouse have to have been doing the wild thing a whole lot. I think this is where the advertising for mini-vans should go frankly. Forget touting the safety features and the built-in DVD player. Just one big ol’ headline in 72pt. Futura Bold Condensed: “This is what Sexy is about”

And of course, the mini-van is a far smarter choice for almost everyone who needs a plus-sized vehicle. Better gas mileage. Better handling. Safer in an accident (sheer mass isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, you know). Safer for other cars involved in an accident. Have I mentioned better gas mileage? I could be way off, but it seems like gas prices won’t be coming down to earth anytime soon. (Hovering at around $3.40/gallon here in Salt Lake right now)

For all of the reason enumerated above guys are not keen on the mini-van. No macho there. Some would even go so far as to call a mini-van emasculating. But what’s seems even more insidious is how well the auto companies have also indoctrinated the ladies as well. Many women I know have said, “we looked at the Honda Odyssey, but in the end, I just couldn’t see myself in a mini-van, so we got the Tahoe, instead.” And the disdain and disgust in their voices when they utter “mini-van” It’s like a child molester just moved into their basement and set up shop as their full time nanny.

But what everyone who drives a mini-van should be thinking is that they have earned it. They are sexy and confident in their own right. They have the kids and the stretch marks to prove it. They don’t need a hulking behemoth of a vehicle to prove their allure to anyone. Obviously, mini-van drivers know ALL about sex.

Or at least they know all about the consequences of sex.

Namely, kids.

Posted by Jon on 05/29/07 at 12:35 AM

  1. Maybe you could turn your minivan into one of these http://www.turbovan.net/turbovan.html

    Then it’s be the New Hotness.  Or at least it would be after you blow the doors off of that Camaro at the red light…

    Posted by Jenna  on  05/29/07  at  04:22 PM

  2. I had a minivan.  It was blown um in a work explosion.  (No joke!) I worked for this, um, company that sells gas and there was an accident.  There were 65 cars either damaged or totally destroyed in that nice day.  My minivan toasted rather well...down to the rust and metal pile of dropped engine rubberless tires…

    I am happily driving the gas guzzling SUV.  Until I can assume the role of tree hugger after the hefty loan is paid.

    Nice post!

    Posted by Candid Yammering  on  05/31/07  at  11:01 AM

  3. You’ll like this:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HEFE3B0Rje0

    Posted by californiazenmom  on  06/10/07  at  06:12 PM

  4. Oh Lisa… that video is just too awesome.

    Classic. The part with the spoiled/exploding milk touched and moved me. :-]

    Posted by jon  on  06/11/07  at  01:27 PM
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