Monday, July 14, 2008

Help Wanted

I was driving all over creation with my Mom and step dad last week and came across this sign:

Did I apply?

I’m not saying.

But here is a small part of my application letter to be Mayor of South Weber, Utah.

July 8, 2008

To Whom it May Concern:

Good sirs and madams! Salutations and warm greetings to you from me, Jon Deal, your future Mayor and Overlord!

Despite what you may have heard from the cretins in North Weber, where I formerly held court and ruled, I have always been a true devotee of the South Weber lifestyle. A fan, if you will. You have it nice in South Weber and I need a change of scenery from the dull and exceeding difficult landscape of North Weber.

While I’m on the subject of North Weber, I need to dispel some nasty rumors floating around and probably spread by those ungrateful wretches up in the tundra-filled wasteland that is North Weber. As you may have read in that traitorous rag, The North Weber Dispatch, my term of service was contentious, though fruitful for many of the “faithful.”

Please note the following:

1. I did not and have never had sexual congress with any livestock.


2. The carpet in Mayoral complex was like that when I got there (And I BETTER get back my security deposit)


3. Those so-called “kickbacks” and “bribes” were all properly accounted for. I run a tight, though exceedingly complicated financial ship.


4. I did not “steal like thieving whore” the mayoral limo. I gave it back, but since that smell won’t come out, they told me just to keep it.

Having cleared up those minor details, I would like to present to you my qualifications for Mayor of your fine city.

Crime will be non-existent. I am able to achieve this remarkable feat based on my “shoot to kill” curfew, which goes into effect at 7:01 PM and runs until 6 AM. If you are on the street during those hours, you are a criminal and deserve your instantaneous punishment. Yes, the folks at the mall will complain about having to close early, but it’s for the best, really.

A flourishing economy. While it’s true that a purely “Amway-based” financial system sounds risky, I assure you that my theories on economic development are based on sound monetary policies and fiscal principles. Plus, many construction jobs will be created when the South Weber Mayoral Palace expansion plans are enacted. And yes, though my family and retinue are not overly large, I think you will agree, 47 rooms, 26 bathrooms and a shooting range in the basement is paltry for a leader of my stature. Once the renovations are complete, daily tours of the palace will also bring in revenue, after my personal expenses are taken care of. (It’s my home, after all, I need to re-coup some of my outlays and the inconvenience of having filthy tourists in my house)

National Security/Defense. You make be asking yourselves, “We are a small town in northern Utah, why do we need to worry about National Security and defense policy?” Excellent question, but I’m afraid that I can’t answer it at this time, given certain provisions of the Patriot Act. But I can assure you that a couple tanks rolling down the streets will also help to keep the crime rate low. The squadron of F-16s stationed at the new air base where old man Klemper’s farm used to be and patrolling the skies daily are just an added safety measure. Also, old man Klemper is quite happy at his new place in Snowshoe Hill, Alaska. The cold, artic air is just what his emphysema needs the doctors tell me.

Education. I will be South Weber’s Education Mayor. See the enclosed material for detailed plans for the re-vamp of South Weber’s schools. Do not be alarmed, the “re-education camps” are well-lit and quite comfortable, just have the children bring extra jackets and blankets when they ship out. Children are nothing if not infinitely adaptable, I’ve found. Also, don’t be alarmed that the curriculum seems overly militaristic and regimented. Children need a firm hand and a little discipline goes a long way in shaping the mind of a child.

Please accept this small check as a token of my esteem and a tiny reward for your consideration.

Thank you!

Jon Deal

P.S. I no longer appear in public due to numerous threats against my person, so we can forego my usual ceremonial Mayoral sash and regalia at this time.

1. Ha! I’ll be sure to alert my father, who is a resident of said city, to your application letter. I’m sure he’ll appreciate the heads up!

   Posted by cheeshead with sticks  on  07/14/08  at  08:46 AM

2. Since you failed to address the issue of “Surfs: Necessities or pesky rabble rouser’s?” in your application, I am not voting for you.

   I have to draw the line somewhere.

   (SO stumbling this and sharing it in my reader.)

   Posted by Loralee  on  07/14/08  at  10:59 AM

3. my god, what unites the peoples of north and south weber city is far greater than what divides the peoples of ibid. it’s just like that cheap grill you all make. can you barbecue a steak without the bottom (READ: SOUTH WEBER CITY) section? no. and can you barbecue a steak without the top (READ: NORTH WEBER CITY) section? no. well, maybe you can.

   go south weber city!

   Posted by brandon  on  07/15/08  at  07:22 PM

4. This letter totally made my morning.

   Posted by SparklieSunShine  on  07/18/08  at  07:33 AM

5. For the record, I grew up in a small Idaho town with an entire economy based on french fries and Amway.  It can work.

   Love the blog.  I was won over my your font-and-type nerdery.  Who doesn’t love a font nerd?

   Posted by Melanie @ BeanPaste  on  07/18/08  at  07:57 AM

6. Randomly stumbled into your blog, and I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks!  Thank you!

   Posted by Taren  on  08/05/08  at  08:56 AM

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Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

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