Friday, August 03, 2007

Hello, I’m Jon! Take This Card, Please

A while ago, I decided that I needed to change one of my more annoying characteristics. I even made it one of my New Year’s resolutions and it was one those Large Goals That Will Make Me a Better Person in General and More Pleasant to be Around.

Note, I’m not talking about my chronic flatulence and my blaming said flatulence on our non-existent dog. That one stays as long as it continues to be funny to the children, and given that we have a nine year old boy in residence, I’m pretty sure that particular trait will be funny indefinitely.

I decided that I would start remembering people’s names. And not just all twelve of my kid’s names, either. Co-workers. The guy at the Deli. Even the interns at work would get “special treatment” and the honor of being called by their given name. This seemed far preferable than my stand-by, go-to names for various people in my life: “Schmoopy Pants,” “Trigger,” “Skinny Intern Lady” or “Parker.”

Actually, in reality, I do have “go to” names for people when I invariably forget their names. Most women become “Kathy” and men become “Mark,” because I’ll never forget those names, right? And they are innocuous and common so when I unfailingly forget I can say, “I’m very sorry, I know your name isn’t ‘Mark,’ but I just have that name stuck in my head for some reason. Please remind of your name.” Technically, it’s even true! I do have those names jammed in my head, but only for the simple reason that I have stenciled them on the inside of my skull, for easy reference.

I’m a bad person, I know this.

But Jon, you say in exasperation and with a slight roll of your eyes that conveys a wealth of disdain, can’t you just do some kind of mnemonic device to help you? ("His name is Bill and he looks like a fish. So, Fish --> Gill --> Bill") Or try and repeat the name a couple times to yourself after you meet a new person? ("Frederica, Frederica, Frederica") Or just go back into your cave and stop meeting people and then embarrassing them and yourself by calling everyone, regardless of gender “Mark?”

Let’s assume for a moment that I have done all those things.

It’s especially hard with the interns at work. They are mostly young college students, they are all designers, so they all look alike (hipster dark rimmed glasses, black t-shirts at least one size too small and bands with unpronounceable names in their iPods) and they are only there for a couple months and then not every day. And it turns out they don’t like “Intern_01,” “Intern_02” etc. as monikers at all. We had to have a meeting about that and I was told in no uncertain terms that not only were the interns NOT available to me to fix my flat tire on the Jetta, run to Best Buy to pick up Season 5 of Scrubs, or fetch my lunch, but they also didn’t want to be labeled like “machines, routers, or hard drives.” So I tried to put a sticker on one kid, so what? Like it wasn’t going to come off his American Apparel Hot Topic Extra Special Uniquely Special No One Has Even Heard of This Band t-shirt? Pu-lease! Whatever, you are only here to fill a slot on your resume, and try not to start crying like all the other interns, mmmm, K?

Anyway, I’d just like to say now, for the record here on this server and forever once Google slurps it up, that I’m officially giving up. I’ll be calling everyone “Kathy” ("Ashley" if the female is under 25) or “Mark” ("Jacob" for the younger crew). I’m sorry, but I just can’t do it. Putting names to new faces in my life is beyond my merely mortal powers. It is one fault I am doomed to keep eternally and I’m constitutionally unable to fix. (Beano has done wonders for the “other” thing).

There, I said it. I think I’ll make up some small cards that say, “I’m sure you are a lovely person, but please do not take offense if I don’t remember your name. It’s not that I don’t care; really, it’s just that I’m really am that bad at remembering names. And if I call out ‘Kathy’ or ‘Steve’ I’m probably trying get your attention. Thanks! Jon.”

Alternatively, I could limit myself to keeping only extending my Zone of People I Know to folks named “Mark” or “Kathy.” That would make my life SO much easier. Kind of like how George Foreman named all his boys “George Foreman.”

1. Didn’t he name the girls George as well?  You’d be one step up on him by simply accounting for sexual dimorphism!

   Posted by Jenna  on  08/03/07  at  03:11 PM

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