Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Having my Doubts About Santa Now As Well

Adults lie to children. We do this for a variety of reasons, most of them good. For example, the notion of Santa preserves the element of surprise and makes Christmas have a bit of magic associated with it. We often tell our toddler that the police will lock Mommy, Daddy AND the toddler in jail with mother rapers, father stabbers and father rapers if she doesn’t put her seat belt back on or sit down in her car seat RIGHT THE HELL NOW. (I know “right the hell now” doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but when you are driving down I-15 and a two year-old begins bouncing around in the back seat you say all kinds of crazy stuff to get her to behave.)

Did someone ever tell you a “harmless” lie as a kid, but you never figured out that it was a lie even well passed the age when you should have known better?

NOT that this has ever happened to me, but did you know that there really isn’t a special dye that they can put in pools to indicate the presence of urine?

For the longest time I One of my nine children thought that there was a chemical in pool water that the second someone whizzed in the pool, a bright red cloud would form around the whizzer, thus indicating a foul miscreant. And not only isn’t there such a thing, but the cloud that doesn’t form? It CAN NOT follow you around the pool, no matter how fast you swim.

I just think about all the times I REALLY needed to go when I was swimming and instead of doing what everyone else probably did, I dutifully went to the restroom. Thing is, I should have known, because those times when I just couldn’t be bothered to go all the way to the potty and just peed straight from the side of the pool into the deep end? No ominous red cloud. That should have been the tip off that the mythical chemical was a fantasy.

Speaking of lying to me, here is your chance to tell me exactly how sexy you think I am, and please stop laughing at the thought of me and sexy. Below are two photos of me, one with a beard that makes me look a tad bit like Zeus gazing down from Olympus on his lowly minions and the other clean shaven and pretty damn Adonis-y if I do say so myself. Again with the giggling? So anyway, the time has come to decide whether the face fuzz stays or goes. Please vote in the comments section since I can’t be bothered to figure out how to do a proper poll module thing-y right now. And I will of course be faithful to whatever the all knowing masses of the Intarweb dictate.

But if I do shave it I’ll do it in stages. First, the “Kneel before Zod” totally trimmed beard, you remember that Zod guy had that totally manicured beard in Superman II? Then the 90s hipster, “yes, I listened to Nirvana before they went mainstream” goatee. And finally, 1970s cheesy porn-star mustache (think Darryl Hall of Hall and Oates). Pictures will of course flow liberally during all that mayhem.

The photos. I include two of someone who is a bit more attractive than me, though I hadn’t thought that possible, but it’s true.

Fuzzy face.

No fuzz. My eyes are a bit red in this shot because of the surgery. (That link does NOT take you to the eye surgery photos which are here, though I wouldn’t look at those if you just ate, but instead to a little thing I wrote after the surgery.)

Ellis hamming it up.

She made me stop what I was doing and take this photo and then made me show her the little 1x2 inch preview on the back of the camera. Her EXACT words upon seeing the photo, “I’m SO cute! Look! Cute!” Oh dear.

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Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

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