Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Harry Potter, Book Seven REVEALED!

We have a tradition at the Deal Family Compound of camping out at a local Barnes & Noble or a local bookseller on the night the latest Harry Potter book comes out, buying a copy (or two) and then seeing how long it takes Carrie to read the latest tome. I think last time, the book went on sale Saturday at 12:01 AM and Carrie turned to the last page by that afternoon. She’s a scary fast reader.

Anyway, I have used all my connections in the publishing, graphics and entertainment industry to score an advance copy. Shhh! Don’t tell anyone at Scholastic or Warner Bros. that I’m telling you! They’ll hunt me down and kill me slowly if they find out. Spoilers galore from here on out!

J.K. Rowling has said that at least one main character is going to die. Possibly two.

This is untrue.

What does happen is that Dumbledore comes back from the dead as a smelly flesh zombie and Harry, Ron and Hermione have to beat him senseless with their wands and then they bury him in a unmarked grave and put the invisibility cloak over his rotting corpse so no one ever finds the body.

AND!

All three decide to stop being good-y good-y pansies and they start casting spells on various politicians and adults they dislike. The scene where George W. Bush is wearing only a thong at a White House press conference is particularly nice. Great imagery, J.K.! And then Ron says, “Bat bogeys, I can do MAGIC!” and he conjures the Swedish Bikini Model Team, a Ducati motorcycle and a case of Schlitz and is never heard from again.

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL!

Professor McGonnagal runs off with Hagrid in what can only be considered a “hard R” scene. Who knew she liked the half-giant flava?

BUT WE ARE NOT DONE WITH THE SPOILERS YET!

Snape turns out to be Harry’s real father. At this point over six hundred pages into the narrative, I think J.K. really just wanted to be done and started cribbing dialog from The Empire Strikes Back.

And Voldemort? He turns out to be Dumbledore and has been buried underneath an invisibility cloak since Chapter 6. It’s a non sequitur that is confusing, nonsensical and leaves the reader feeling both cheated and depressed.

The last page is particularly moving as J.K. addresses the reader directly, breaking down the fourth wall as she writes, “I’m richer then the frickin’ queen! You know that lightening bolt scar on Harry’s forehead? Now YOU have a lightening bolt on your ass, sucker!”

I can’t wait to see who Warner Bros. hires to direct the film adaptation!

1. I was with her right up to “Ducati.” Then not so much.

   He can conjure pretty much any motorcycle ever made, and the best she can come up with is a Ducati?!

   Guess I’ve always seen Ron as more the Beezer type but then, *I’m* not the one who’s “richer than the frickin’ queen,” am I. No. So I’ll just shut my face now and wait for some *other* much-anticipated book to come out because obviously, I don’t need to read HP7.

   ...Know any good much-anticipated books?

   Me either.

   *sigh*

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  04/17/07  at  01:19 PM

2. Yes, you can tell that I’m not a “motorcycle guy.” I heard somewhere that Ducatis were really fast. :-]

   Posted by Jon  on  04/18/07  at  12:13 PM

3. They might *be* fast. I have no idea. Mostly I just wanted to be argumentative discuss it.

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  04/18/07  at  04:42 PM

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