Thursday, April 05, 2007

Glorious Vindication

A long time ago, back when 14.4 bits/sec modems were HAWT and people argued about whether gopher or http (the web as you know it now, young Jedi) would “win,” (we all know how that turned out, though I do love me some old skool gopher), we had a spot of credit trouble. We were poor college students and I made a mistake one month with our finances. If I recall correctly, I paid our car payment twice or something really dumb like that. Totally my fault and not a smart move financially. The car payment was in the $200 range and having that extra $200 disappear out of the account was A Bad Thing™, fiscally speaking. We bounced a check (or two? three? can’t remember). This started a chain of events which led to really nasty people calling our little apartment and yelling at me for money which I didn’t have. It was incredibly stressful and I kept wanting to telling these bill collector folks, “I’m a good person! We made a boo-boo! I’m sorry! We’ll fix it by eating ramen and drinking only water next month, but I ain’t got nothing until a week from now when I get paid and have funds. Again, I apologize.”

Perhaps saying “boo-boo” to the bill collector wasn’t the best strategy.

They would call every night and I’d say, “still nothing, sorry” and they’d yell at me and tell me what a horrible person I was for bouncing a $68 check to the Food King. “You wrote that check and you have a responsibility, young man.” This was also before the days of caller id (like we could afford caller id back then! Ha!), so I’d answer the phone every time. They would announce who they were and I’d hang up and they’d call again. It was a sort of a game, only it wasn’t fun at all, I didn’t want to play and I couldn’t stop playing. Went on for about a week, I think. The phone would ring and I’d get that pit of the stomach dread thing going and want to just die right there in the living room of that dinky apartment.

Fast forward more years than I care to admit and the death of more than one internet protocol to about twenty minutes ago. Bill collector calls me. Informs me that the call is about trying to collect a debt and any info will be used in the furtherance of that debt collection. Some kind of boilerplate legal mumbo-jumbo they have to read, I guess. “This is in reference to a check YOU wrote to K-mart which was returned unpaid. Yada, yada, yada.”

I say, “Let me stop you right there, Sparky, may I call you Sparky? Listen, my new friend Sparky, I didn’t write that check to K-mart last week. Our checkbook was stolen and we have closed the account and informed the bank.”

He counters, “You need to file a...”

I interrupt, “Again, my man Sir Sparks-a-Lot, I’m going to stop you right there, I have already filed an affidavit of fraud on this specific check with the bank.”

“Well, then, Mr. Deal you need to...”

“Easy there, Sparks, I know. I have also filed a police report and I have a case number. It is my understanding that you need to send me some paperwork and I will send you a copy of that police file. I also have the case number right here, would you like me to give you the case number? I’d be happy to pass it right along to you and then you can deal with the Salt Lake County Sheriff’s office and Hello? Are you there? Hello? Sparky?”

The line had gone unceremoniously D-E-A-D. Mr. Spark-a-thon hung up on me! The Bill Collector was GONE! (In my mind it was the same guy from the “gopher” era, oh man, could you imagine being in a job like that for that long? Man, that would be HELL.) Anyway, I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of joy I got having him GIVE UP and GO AWAY.

The thief people have forged about seven other checks. I’m not so secretly wishing that I get a debt collection call on each one of those. It’s like meeting your junior high bully nemesis years later and finding out that s/he specializes in working tech support for Windows ME machines, because that’s the best job they ended up qualified for.

1. More proof that things happen for a reason. You were robbed so that you could then exorcise the debtor’s demons that have been stirring around in your subconscious for decades.
   A silver lining, a bright side, a....a....I can’t think of anymore cliches but I’ll surf back and share when they occur to me.

   Posted by cce  on  04/06/07  at  05:01 AM

2. Tech support for ME machines? Dude. That. Is. HARSH.

   I know whereof I speak.

   Glad you had fun dissing the debt col-LOSER. I know I would.

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  04/06/07  at  06:36 AM

3. Thats amazing! I love playing with any telemarkers, bill collectors etc because well I work in a call center and people mess with me so why not dish it back : )

   Posted by Apple Sales Droid  on  04/06/07  at  09:04 AM

4. I think this might mean you have officially grown up.  Oh, and gopher? I was totally there, Man.  When I had time to step out of the MUDS or MOOS.

   (zuhl???  I never realized it was YOU!)

   Posted by joy  on  04/06/07  at  10:13 AM

5. Yeah, Reha says I’m a little “off” for taking sure pleasure in that, but I’m pretty sure I don’t care. Catharsis and all that.

   Posted by jon  on  04/06/07  at  10:44 AM

6. Oh man.  This robbery sure has been a PITA.  When we got robbed, they only took “stuff”.  No money, checks, or anything like that.  I feel for you.  Hope this calms down soon and your life can get back to normal...well as normal as normal can get.  Good luck!

   Posted by Sirdar  on  04/06/07  at  03:27 PM

7. I moved in 2001 and oops’d on my credit card payment s. That oops is still on my credit rating according to the evil credit rating people I’ve had 2 late payments, “as recently as 68 months” ago.  I never knew 68 (or something like that) months could be considered recent.

   Posted by michael  on  04/06/07  at  09:07 PM

8. I once overpaid a bill and then cancelled the account.  I had a collection agency come after me for $-0.02.  I didn’t even have to say anything to be vindicated.

   Posted by Jenna  on  04/09/07  at  09:14 AM

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