Friday, March 02, 2007
Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
Copied and pasted from an actual inter-office IM conversation between me and our (new) receptionist at work yesterday morning.
Jon: hey LouLou.... (ed. note: not her real name. Her real name is Tori and she’s too embarrassed to be seen here, so I’m changing it.)
LouLou: hi
Jon: I’m expecting a couple FedEx packages today
LouLou: Alright.
Jon: So I’m going to need you to be on “Team Jon” and not abandon your post up front
LouLou: I’ll do my best
Jon: See, the players on “Team Jon” are dedicated
LouLou: Definitely.
Jon: do you think you have what it takes to be on Team Jon?
LouLou: I hope so. . .
Jon: it’s a high honor
Jon: only given to the best and the brightest
Jon: and to people who sit in your chair
LouLou: Oh wow. . . this is a great honor.
Jon: absolutely
Jon: and let’s talk about the benefits of being on Team Jon for a second, shall we?
Jon: First off… there is a the honor
Jon: of just being a team member
Jon: I mean
Jon: that alone… it’s worth the price of admission
Jon: but THAT IS NOT ALL!
Jon: There are t-shirts!
Jon: You can have your choice of t-shirts from my bottom drawer at home. Most have even been laundered recently!
Jon: and
Jon: if you are an OUTSTANDING member of Team Jon ... that is… if you perform your Team Jon duties with distinction… well ... there may be a mug/coffee cup in YOUR future
LouLou: Oh wow.
LouLou: Those are great reasons.
Jon: See!
Jon: So… stiff upper lip and all that… Carry on with your Telephonic Answering and Assistant type duties
Jon: those are important as well
Jon: I guess. If you have to and the phone rings
LouLou: Yes sir!
Jon: On Team Jon… The FedEx Guy… he is your REASON FOR LIVING. It’s vital that he not come to the door, peek in and see an empty reception desk. He’ll immediately assume we’ve gone out of business, turn on his little FedEx purple and orange heels, and sashay back to his truck with Team Jon’s packages, without ringing the bell nor even leaving one of those “We missed you” notes. The FedEx Guy IS NOT ON TEAM JON.
Jon: and your husband and stuff like that, I suppose you can live for him as well
Jon: if you must
LouLou: So, what you’re saying is. . . I should have married the FedEx guy, right?
LouLou: It would have made my life a whole lot easier
Jon: that would have been EXEMPLARY Team Jon performance, yes
Jon: for that we would have given you a gift certificate to Chuck-o-Rama
Jon: or Sizzler
Jon: your choice
LouLou: Oh wow, those are both great places
LouLou: Top of the line
Jon: nothing but the best for Team Jon “Stars”
FedEx came. Packages signed for. Though not everything I was expecting. Three Mac Book Pros won’t come until this afternoon. “Shipment Exception.” Stupid FedEx hates me. What’s with all the hate, FedEx? Tori LouLou gets a gold star on her official Team Jon Helmet, especially for being so nice about my chaining her to the receptionist desk. Though I am sorry she got a urinary tract infection from not being able to go to bathroom to pee yesterday afternoon. That was unfortunate, though predictable.
oh LORD! So *are* there Team John T’s? I must know.
You’d fit in very well where I work. IM reigns supreme. And FedEx delvieries with software and machiney bits *every single day*Posted by Joy on 03/03/07 at 01:07 PMYou don’t want me working there. You’d never get anything delievered properly. I have an anti-delivery aura or something.
I’m not kidding about that either. FedEx delievered one of the laptops I ordered to someplace in California. Never mind that they were a day late already.
This was not a singular experience, either. Those Purple and Orange people have it in for me.
Posted by Jon on 03/03/07 at 02:33 PMAll I can say? I’m so glad my work doesn’t IM. I’d have beaten you with a stick a long time ago.
And besides, our UPS man is the cutest thing in poop brown shorts… I’m blinded to other delivery men.
Posted by Woman with Kids on 03/05/07 at 12:10 PM
Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!
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Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?
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