Thursday, May 08, 2008

Fighting the Urge to Give Out TMI*

Let me start of by saying this:

I finally realized the other day that because our oldest daughter is a vegetarian, at home I am effectively a vegetarian.

This blows on many levels.

1) I’m not really big on things that grow in the ground. i.e., fruits and veggies.

2) I like meat.

3) I hate animals passionately and want to eat all of them. (see #2).

Not only has the flesh of dead animals mostly been banished from our house, but we also have a bunch of organic food in the kitchen. Fake meat, free range eggs, milk from “happy cows,” etc. I don’t mind it that much, really. It’s healthier and it doesn’t taste that bad.

In fact, I *really* like this one cereal: Kashi’s Go Lean Crunch (the original flavor, not the fancy pants stuff with flax)

Also, flax is just some made up thing, isn’t it? The hippies got together and after passing the “doobage” around said to each other, “Dooooode. Wouldn’t it be cool if there were a plant that was all good for you and stuff? Let’s make one up and put it in the cereal, man!”

But I digress.

The relationship between this excellent organic cereal and my intestinal tract can be summed up thusly:

It’s complicated.

I really love the taste. Like, it’s the best tasting cereal, EVER; above even Frosted Mini-Wheats and Cap’n Crunch (with Crunch Berries, yo). That’s how good the stuff is.

But if I have more than one bowl in the morning?

How can I put this as delicately as possible?

My insides freakin’ EXPLODE in the late afternoon and I spend a simply inordinate amount of time in the little boy’s room, wishing I were dead.

That was Factoid Deemed TMI #1.

Factoid Deemed TMI #2:

The plumbing in the building at work appears to be from the late 1800s, so the toilet clogs by wafting even one teeny piece of TP over the bowl, never long putting anything in the thing; it’s enough to start brackish and vile sludge swirling around and slowly creeping up the side of the bowl. The toilet is going to overflow. This elicits yelps from me and I begin to pray in that shouting whisper that means I’m panicked, but I don’t want the rest of the studio to know that I’m FREAKING OUT right there in the men’s room and I commence pleading to any and all deities within earshot to “Oh, please, please, PLEASE, Zoraster! I’m begging you! Make the water stop! Make the water stop!” I look over to where we usually keep a plunger, but it’s gone; it must be in the Ladies’ room. I think I’d rather be dead than have to deal with the mess that is about to happen.

Oh… and did I forget to mention that I still have my pants around my ankles?

Welcome to my Wednesday.

Which brings me to my main point.

If you are going to be a semi-forced vegetarian and eat organic, hippie granola cereal?

Always know where the water shut off valve is.

*Too Much Information

1. Oh my. Um, Oh My!

   You might want to turn it down a few notches to Fiber One’s Caramel Delight. It’s the stinky old (nicely-dressed with good taste in music) lady of high fiber cereals. In other words, it nothing to shake a stick at, yet it won’t set off bowel explosions…

   Posted by Angela  on  05/08/08  at  08:06 PM

2. I hate people who correct their comments. With that said, please know that the Apostrophe S combination is sometimes entirely too much for me.

   Posted by Angela  on  05/08/08  at  08:08 PM

3. Is it possible that you put soy milk on your GoLean Crunch?  It is that double whammy of soy that does me in . . .  I’m grateful (and so is my colon) that I finally figured that out.

   Posted by Melinda  on  05/08/08  at  08:19 PM

4. As someone who’s been a vegetarian for over ten years now, after a while your *system* does adjust. If that’s any consolation.

   Posted by Kathy  on  05/09/08  at  03:08 AM

5. LOL, I feel your pain.

   Check the ingredients - is there any prune juice in them? I found I reacted similarly to Post Cranberry Almond Trail Mix Crunch Cereal but not to any of the other similar cereals I ate that had even higher fiber.  Turned out there was prune juice in it.  And I KNOW I’m very sensitive to prunage of any type.  I’m bummed, too, because I liked the cereal!

   Posted by Mauigirl  on  05/09/08  at  06:29 PM

6. I like meat too. We are kindred spirits.

   Posted by Sterkworks  on  05/11/08  at  09:00 PM

7. Next time I visit SLC we are going out to eat and we are eating big slabs of meat!

   Posted by michael  on  05/11/08  at  09:07 PM

8. I’m with whoever said that it might be the combo of kashi and soy milk. I use unsweetened almond milk in my hippie cereal and it’s quite delicious.

   Posted by Heather B.  on  05/12/08  at  12:26 PM

9. Me like meat. Me eat meat.

   And Kashi Go Lean.

   Posted by Aimee Greeblemonkey  on  05/19/08  at  09:20 PM

10. I stumbled on to your blog, from OMSH’s blog. I love your writing style.
    I laughed so hard through the whole TMI#2.
    I feel like you are writing the comedy that I would actually enjoy :)

    Posted by D  on  05/19/08  at  10:41 PM

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