Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Faustian Pacts are Fun!

A couple of years ago I sold a part my soul to the devil. And later that year, because I wasn’t going deep enough into hell, I sold most of the remaining portion again. Then, because I wasn’t quite sure if had totally condemned myself to an eternity of damnation, I went ahead and sold the remaining crumbs of my battered soul to an even worser demon.

Yes, Intarweb, I own stock in all three of those companies. Not only that, but I’ve made money on them. Let the flames begin.

But before you do, at least I didn’t vote for the worst devils you can imagine.

So, yeah, I’m a bleeding heart liberal who has voted basically straight ticket Democrat in every election I’ve been able to participate in (except ‘88 when I voted for Bush 41, but I was young and naïve then, plus Dukakis had those huge scary eyebrows and we couldn’t have a president who would frighten the kids), and I get the Sierra Club calendar every year for my healthy donation. I listen to NPR. I read DailyKos, Wonkette and this guy on a daily basis. I’ve actually donated to the Democratic Party (and it would be nice if they’d stop asking for money, by the way. Man, they can be persistent!). I’ve subscribed to this rag for over a decade and I wish I were smart enough to read this thing cover to cover. (It’s a bit too dry for me and James Fallows uses really BIG words).

My point, and eventually I’ll get to it, is that I’m a bleeding heart liberal at my core, who pretty much can’t stand those guys (Microsoft, Wal-Mart and ExxonMobil) and so what the hell am I doing buying their stock? Someone with my computer background (Macintosh fanboy and Linux lover) could just as easily be burning Windows XP CDs. Someone with my political beliefs should be tooling around the country protesting every Wal-Mart store opening. And I’m the kind of person who would believes SUVs will be the death of this country and that our dependence on foreign oil is a huge looming national security issue.

Basically, I’m tired of doing the Right Thing™ and not getting ahead. And I really need to plan for the future. It’s damn hard to make any money in the Market by just investing in “clean” things. I’ve got kidlets who want to go to college and eventually I’d like to retire.

Plus, and this is the main thing that is a total cop out. Those companies have always made bank are going to make mucho moolah for a long time to come. Someone is going to get that benefit so why shouldn’t I toss in as well? I knew MSFT was going to OWN the PC world way back in the 90s when they released Windows 3.1 and the computing world said, “meh, good enough for us, we’ll buy” against all logic to the contrary. I didn’t buy stock back then because I was a purist. M$FT (yes, with the dollar sign, ugh) was the ENEMY and all us good Apple fanboys knew that eventually the computing world would see the light. Never happened. MSFT took over.

Finally after years of watching stock prices rise into the stratosphere, I had to do something. So I looked around and thought, “who are the companies that are basically unstoppable right now? Who do I hate more than anyone because they are evil and no one will ever be able to bring them down??” Obviously the Justice Department wasn’t doing a lot to make MSFT behave. The European Union recently tried when they made Bill and Co. take Windows Media Player out of XP, but no vendors are really buying those systems, are they? And Wal-Mart can run rampant over zoning laws and immigration laws and no one cares. And the CEOs of the oil companies can get in front of Congress and LIE and no one does squat.

In 2003 I began buying MSFT stock. They have a direct stock purchase plan and $50 zoomed out of my checking account every month and I never missed it. No excessive trading fees because it’s direct from the Borg collective in Redmond. Then I went to a Wal-Mart on a Saturday and went, “Holy Crap! Look at all these peoples! And all these peoples are buying all this junk! Wow.” I did a bit of research, realized that the little store Sam built makes about a billion dollars a month profit and threw down another $50/month. I think Wal-Mart will be the first company whose market value reaches $1 trillion.

Then Bush and Karl and Dick decided to get all up in Saddam’s grill. So I figured oil would go through the roof. Even if those losers in the White House succeeded (which obviously they didn’t), we Americans are idiots will continue to drive SUVs until gas costs $4.50/gallon. Plus, eventually China will begin wanting SUVs and then Big Oil will clean up again. So I plunked down another $50/month for XOM, which makes me look smarter than Warren Buffet, frankly. When in reality, I’m just a good guesser.

If only directly owning stock in those companies didn’t make me feel so dirty.

But at least I know that pretty much everyone in America and elsewhere as well, I suppose, is just as dirty as me. Because if you work and have a 401(k) or whatever, I can about guaran-damn-tee that those companies and other equally nasty multi-national corporations’ stock are lurking in some mutual fund you own. You can’t really escape them. I know there are so-called “green” or “clean” or “righteous” or “whatever” funds that only invest in “good” things, but they NEVER seem to make coin consistently.

Wal-Mart has basically been printing cash since the 1970s. And MSFT makes money just by existing, I think. Monopolies are good like that. And don’t get me started on Exxon and how much insane cash they’ve made of late. Think the government will stop them and make them pay a windfall tax to help pay for Katrina clean up or balance the damn budget? I’ll shave my head if they do. (An aside, I might just do that soon, anyway, so that’s not really saying much on my part, is it?)

So that’s my deep dark secret, Intarweb. I sell t-shirts that make fun of corporations (more coming Real Soon Now™, promise!), but secretly I want those faceless, soulless amoral bastards to stomp all over everything so my kids won’t have to sell their souls to another soulless witch.

Liberal Guilt is a biatch.

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Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

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