Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:

Hey! How are you?

Wait, I already know how you are! You were sick last week. Bad cold that turned into the flu. Which, I can totally understand must have sucked as bad as you described it. How many times did you “blow chunks?” Oh right, four or five times! You lost count. Ughs-ville.

You carried on that conversation with your friend, “I Shave My Head at the Gym Guy” for a while. You guys also seem to know A LOT about mutual funds and option calls. Bravo. I was not aware of that whole Triple Witching Hour phenomenon. Very interesting.

Anyhoo.

Here’s a thought, maybe you could wait and have those conversations, heck any conversation at all, until you are clothed? Or barring that, if you simply must speak while you are standing there with all the stuff God gave you hanging out for the rest of us to try and avoid glancing at, go right ahead and use that towel you are holding in your hand and wrap it around yourself. Super easy process, the towel wrap.

Forgive me if I’m pointing out the obvious, but have you noticed how deathly quiet the men’s locker room is, until you start gabbing? Again, I’m sorry if this is something you already know, but I kind of think it’s worth repeating: There is a code in the men’s room which also applies in the locker room: you don’t talk. You can make little head bob gestures in lieu of verbalization that mean “Hey man, what’s up?” but no words are exchanged. You do what you came for and then leave. Talking happens in other places. This isn’t rocket science and most of us learned this a long time ago. It’s just one of those ancient cultural and anthropological things.

Please know this as well, this isn’t so much about “good naked” and “bad naked” as it is about nudity in general. Again, from the rapid and discreet glances I made, and with the understanding that I am a flaming heterosexual, I have to say that though you do fall in the “good naked” class of people, which might make you think you can just stand there, glisten and chit-chat for an extended period of time, but really? Not so much. Granted, I fall squarely in the “not so great naked” category, so of course I’m totally green with envy, but I think all the other guys around me, even the “look pretty decent naked” committee in the back corner would agree that having you stand there and talk about no-load mutual funds while your junk is out there on display isn’t really why we are here at the gym.

So let me offer up this one small piece of advice. Next time you come to the gym, take a moment and observe the behavior of your fellow male cohorts. Heck, you can even stare at me next time, I’m cool with that. See, when I change from my street clothes to my shorts and tee-shirt, notice that the transition from clothed to naked to clothed again is almost instantaneous . Ten seconds tops. There is no delay between when I whip off my pants to when I pull up the running shorts. I even set the shorts and tee-shirt out on the bench next to me so I don’t have to root around in my gym bag to re-clothe myself. Plus, no one wants to see me bend over and try and find something in my gym bag while pants-less. That’s not a pretty picture, trust me. Also, note that I am as quiet as a proverbial church mouse while performing all disrobing and re-dressing activities. They require no speech.

Now, please understand, I think it’s great that you aren’t ashamed of your body and feel completely comfortable in your skin. That must be super for you. It’s just that the rest of us don’t feel all that comfortable with your skin, that’s all.

Thanks, bro (you seem to be a “bro” kind of fellow),
jon

P.S. Do you know “Grunts While He Does Squats Man?” I think we need to have a talk with him as well about all the noise he makes while lifting. I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself.

jd

1. “P.S. Do you know “Grunts While He Does Squats Man?” I think we need to have a talk with him as well about all the noise he makes while lifting. I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself.”

   OMG! You go to my gym! Or maybe the grunty guys are at every gym. Grunty Guy at my gym also likes to tuck the bottoms of his shorts up into his waistband, so he appears to be wearing a maroon or black diaper. And he grunts at EVERY exercise.

   That’s my gym rule: Please not to be sounding as though you are having sex while doing leg lifts at the machine next to me, kthnx.

   Posted by Michelle  on  11/14/07  at  10:22 AM

2. ooh! That diaper look is NOT attractive in the slightest. I don’t get that at all unless it’s so he can look at his legs while he flexes.

   Which is a wee bit too narcissistic for me. Ick.

   Posted by jon  on  11/14/07  at  10:31 AM

3. I think the naked talkers and grunts while he squats guy either is part of a large club, or they just get around, because I have had them at my gym also.

   I also despise the Woofs like a dog to his lifting partner guy. 

   I can also totally relate to the pre placing key clothing items to minimize nakidity in the locker room.

   Posted by Killer  on  11/14/07  at  03:15 PM

4. And you people pay money to go to a gym to be around this?  Actually, I’ll probably be joining you all in your pain soon as it’s winter time a brand spanking new YMCA just opened by my house.

   Posted by michael  on  11/14/07  at  05:07 PM

5. I suspect you wrote this entire post just so you could publish that “see me bend over and try and find something in my gym bag while pants-less” line with some kind of excuse for context. You are an evil, evil person. And I need a brainwash.

   Posted by Radioactive Jam  on  11/15/07  at  07:59 PM

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Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

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