Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Cool Your Jets There Ladies, He’s Taken

Over the course of a few years, I have noticed that my teeth have become a bit discolored. Slamming a 12 pack of Diet Coke every morning just to get my motor running seems to have darkened my normally winning and white smile.

See, look here:

Yeah, that’s not pretty.

Rather than go to the dentist and have him and the hygienist make “tsk-tsk” noises at me when they ask about flossing and my having to lie through my teeth (sadly, pun probably intended) that, “I swear, yeah, I totally floss ALL the time,” all the while blood is pouring from my gums after the hygienist has sawed through the tartar along my gumline; I decided to go to the grocery store and buy one of those home whitening kits.

Really, on the one hand, we have a kit thing that costs $37.95 and on the other hand there is torture in the form of sitting in a dentist’s chair, what the hell do you think I would pick?

I got the Aquafresh version of the whitening stuff on the theory that it wasn’t the cheapest and it wasn’t the most expensive stuff on the shelf. (Yes, that’s how savvy a customer I am).

It consists of two tray devices, filled with gunk. The gunk tastes kind of funky and has the consistency of, well, gunk. Like toothpaste on downers. Gooey and vaguely reminiscent of mint. Like they ran out of mint flavoring in mid-run of production at the Aquafresh factory and said, “to hell with it, let’s just get the gunk into those little tray things and call it a day.”

And look how attractive I am while administering the goopy stuff! *Swoon!*

And let me tell you do I ever sound SEXY with those things in my mouth. Imagine having a retainer made of taut fabric and trying to talk through it. Smooooth baby.

But the amazing thing is that the tooth whitening stuff really does work as advertised. I was pleasantly surprised. I did it for three nights in a row and after that third night, there was a noticeable difference. Where before I had yellow going on brown icky teeth, thanks to all the Diet Coke, I now have gleamingly pearlescent choppers. And I think I’m taller now as well. And it goes without saying that I’ve lost weight after using the product.

Nota bene:

Please, ladies (and gay guys, of course), try and contain yourselves. I’m a happily married man.

Yes, as a matter of fact I did do a bit of Photoshop work on the “before” and “after” shots, why do you ask? It’s all about the Selective Color and Lens Flare, baby. And really, in all seriousness, though my teeth were nowhere near as yellow and icky as in the “before” shot up there, and they arne’t quite as white as I’ve represented in the “after” shot, they are noticably brighter and gleam-ier.

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