Thursday, January 25, 2007

Arrrr!

So I have a complete inability to stay away from medical emergencies, it seems. Gall bladder, strabismus eye surgery, that one time I cut my head open on the car door on the way home from the gym, the three month hospital stay after my junior year. Yada, yada, yada. These are all occurrences that come around annually, it seems. I was overdue as a matter of fact.

Anyway, I had just finished eating a lovely pad thai dinner when Jonah popped around the corner of the kitchen and shot me.

Nerf dart.

The kind with velcro.

In my left eye.

I screamed (and I’m not purposely trying to be sexist or anything), but I let out a high pitched wail LIKE A LITTLE GIRL and started thrashing around like a big fat harpooned marlin. I actually kicked a chair (twice?) and dented the wall. Hurt like a mo-fo, it did.

When the dull throbbing failed to subside and the stabbing pains kept coming, we (Reha) decided that I should be carted to the E.R.

Long story short: I have a scratched cornea and I’m wearing an eye patch.

[insert your own pirate joke here]

Two things before I head to bed and let the lortab do its thing.

1) It hurts A LOT to get poked in the eye. I don’t think I’ll say the phrase “Well, that’s better than getting a sharp stick in the eye” anymore. That phrase is so obvious as to be meaningless, people. ANYTHING is better than a poke in the eye. Trust me on this one.

2) I can’t *wait* to decorate my eye patch with a smile-ly face/target/hand-drawn-eye picture tomorrow at work. Sometimes working at a graphic design studio where they have a lot of magic markers (a ZILLION DIFFERENT COLORS!) is a Good Thing™.

3) I know I said two, but I thought of something else. When you live with 15 children like I do, it might be a good idea to wear goggles at all times, not just when people are having nerf guns wars after dinner.

4) What should my nickname be now that I have a temporary patch? (Three? Four? Six? Whatever, who’s counting, the Lortab has kicked in). I need a pirate nickname now. Jon the Geek doesn’t have enough of a pirate ring. Locutus of Borg has also been suggested and rejected as “too dweeb-y.”

5) When you are a very white, very closing in on middle aged man in Salt Lake City, UT and the nurse/doctor/medical chica asks you “how did this happen?” and you answer with “I caught a cap in my eye while me and my homies were boosting a sweet ride, Yo” that isn’t nearly as funny as you think it is.

* * * UPDATE * * *

Much better this morning. I’ve come to work, but I just can’t see myself being all that productive. (Get it?! See myself!) Never mind, it’s only funny if you are on lortab, I guess.

“Hi there! I’m Patch-y McFoolish and I’ll be your pirate today!”

This one is for times like now, when I’ve truly embraced the warm enveloping glow of the opiates.

1. Sorry to hear about your eye… but this post was freakin’ hilarious!

   Posted by Ellen  on  01/26/07  at  01:14 PM

2. Looks like someone skated out of work a bit early today.

   Posted by michael  on  01/26/07  at  05:23 PM

3. Here ya’ go:

   http://gangstaname.com/pirate_name.php

   Non ti preoccupari :D

   Posted by Elizabeth  on  02/11/07  at  02:47 PM

4. OK, Liz, I went to that site and I shall now and forever more be known as:

   “Cap’n Enrico Bloodsmear”

   Has a nice ring to it. :-]

   Posted by jon  on  02/12/07  at  09:33 AM

5. Ooo… You got a good one.  I got Billy the Bald.  I think I’ll stick with Michael.

   Posted by michael  on  02/12/07  at  11:24 AM

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