Tuesday, March 07, 2006

Abuse Part Due

When we last left off, I had configured our new server and my machine as well. Our intrepid hero (that’d be me) had endured some odd shipping problems and a couple of self induced scream sessions vis a vis his inability to configure Open Directory properly, but things were looking up. Or were they? Are those dark clouds gathering on the horizon? Why yes, I think those are great big huge thunderclouds over there.

The same weekend I set up the server, I also tried to set up a couple of designer workstations. I made myself a nice checklist of apps and tasks I needed for each machine; stuff like move old Mail, iTunes Music, install Creative Suite, move fonts, etc. I tried using Apple’s migration tool, but found that my way worked better for me. Creative Suite (especially Photoshop) is notoriously wonky about just being copied by mere mortals via the Finder to a new location. You might not be able to double click on a Photoshop file and have it open, because PS can’t find its “Scripting Support” file it tucks away deep in the bowels of your User Library somewhere when it installs. Plus, a few of my designers store things in non-standard places on their machines, so I configure the new machine, attach the old machine via FireWire and start copying crap over. It’s manual-ish labor, but it works pretty well.

I tear into one of the boxes and as I’m installing the 2 GB of RAM, I notice that this machine has an original Apple serial number badge. All refurb machines have a new serial number and a badge that proudly states “Apple Certified Reconditioned.” I think “Huh. Oh well. Let’s see that happens.”

What happens is fourteen kinds of weirdness. First, the machine is LOUD. The fans are blowing at top speed and constantly. Second, it boots, but it doesn’t boot to a shiny new “Welcome to OS X” screen. Instead, it boots to this (click for larger version):

Funky, huh? It’s not even OS X, but some sort of bizarro OS 9 thing. At first I thought it was a developer box, that was waiting for a serial connection/debugger connection thing to happen. Now that I look more closely at the JPEG, I’m convinced that it’s a testing program, a part of the refurbishing process, but this little guy didn’t finish. As I look a lot more closely at the large JPEG, I can see that it talks about “Cashmere Test Suite” and there is a serial number on one of those screens. It just so happens that is the serial number the mouth breathing G5 was SUPPOSED to end up with. I know it’s the serial number it should have because it matches the number on the outside of the box. Like I said, big case of the Funky.

I wonder for a about two seconds at that screen, click a couple of buttons and decide that I have a million things I’d rather be doing than goofing around with this machine and so I reboot off the CD and wipe the drive with a fresh Tiger install, mostly in the vain hopes that Tiger will cure its fan problems. Not so much. I also tried re-setting the Power Management Unit (PMU), and it did seem a bit quieter, but I still couldn’t hear the voices in my head over the din those fans were making. So I put the thing aside and moved on to the next box.

I set up four workstations that weekend (plus the new server) and sadly, I also had another bad fan problem on one of those. In total I had three machines (out of ten) with “screaming fan disease.” Two of them were easy to fix. Because they were freshly purchased and Apple provides the same one year warranty on refurbs as it does on new equipment, I just had to take it to my local dealer. Apparently there is/was a spate of bad logic boards out there, because that’s what causes the problem. Some little gee-gaw on the motherboard tell the fans whether to gently spin or whether to blow the paint off the walls.

But that one non refurb machine, it’s a bit of a problem. Because Apple sees it as out of warranty, and would rather not service it for free if they can help it.

I’m not going to enumerate how many times I got bounced around Apple’s support, sales support and AppleCare line, OK? Let’s just say that I told my story a large number of times to quite a few people at Apple. And all of them said, “Huh, that’s weird. Let me see what I can do.”

Finally, Apple decides that the best way to deal with this problem is to call the machine Dead On Arrival, though technically, it’s not dead, though the fans are loud enough to wake the dead. I get a FedEx slip and an RMA number, pack the little guy up and send it on it’s way. I have also been promised that once Apple knows that the box is in FedEx’s hands, they will ship me a new box overnight.

You can see where this is going, can’t you?

I sent the booger off on Tuesday, Feb. 21 and they received the the loud “DOA” machine on Thursday, Feb. 23. I was super swamped that week, so I didn’t think too much about where the replacement was. But Monday rolled around and I got curious. So I got on the phone, TOLD MY STORY AGAIN, thank you very much, because having a case number and an RMA number wasn’t enough to elicit what was going on over in Cupertino HQ with my DOA G5.

Turns out that the thing was sitting there in Elk Grove, CA and no one had released the replacement computer for shipment.

My head explodes.

“Will you please, for the love of Phil Schiller, send me a box overnight?”

“Well, the system won’t let me until we process the old machine.”

Sound of my head exploding again.

“I’ll try to manually release the replacement.”

“I’ll hold.”

Apple has decent hold music.

“OK, sir, I released the replacement machine, it will be processed by our warehouse in 1-2 business days and then ship to you in 3-5 business days.”

You can guess what my head did at that point.

Turns out that the system refused to let them overnight a new box. I didn’t catch why. By that time I was done for the day, couldn’t take anymore.

Two days pass. If you are keeping score, it’s now officially March. I call again, and guess what? The replacement box wasn’t released the next day, but now things are happening and I’m assured that I’ll get my replacement box in the next few days. It’s coming FedEx (Ground), but I wasn’t bright enough to nail someone down and get tracking numbers.

Thursday comes and I have a message on my phone, but I’m really too busy to listen to it until the middle of the afternoon. I finally do and it’s a nice lady from Apple named LaToya who is calling to make sure I got my machine. “Hmm, that’s funny, we didn’t get anything large and bulky via FedEx today.” I check with Ali, our intrepid receptionist and she doesn’t remember seeing a big ol’ brown box from Apple come into the studio.

I call LaToya back and leave her a message that says that I haven’t gotten my replacement machine, but I surely am excited to get it.

But something still doesn’t sit right, so I call Apple Sales Support just to see what’s up. I explain again what has transpired. Weird machine, not refurbished, really loud, sent back to Mothership, Mothership got DOA box on Feb. 23, where the hell is my replacement? The usual stuff. I should have made a Garage Band loop for just such an occasion.

“I show that you received that replacement today. Signed for by a C. Ramirez at the receptionist’s desk.”

“WHAT?! Where!? Who?!” But imagine that I said that last part really, really loudly. Like so loud, that the Pete the Porn Dealer next door, said, “Wow! Someone’s peeved over there!”

Turns out they shipped my replacement box to Michigan. I’m in Salt Lake City. There are like 10 states in between me and my replacement box. Apple sent my box to the billing address (the leasing company in MI), not to the shipping address.

Oy vey.

It’s too late to get ahold on someone at the leasing company, but I’m assured that this problem will be rectified post haste in the A.M.

“Fine.” (But that’s one of those “fines” where it’s quite obvious to everyone that things are not at all “fine” and that by saying “fine”, I’m really just saying, “This is NOT ‘Fine,’ and there is not a way in the universe to construe that things are ‘fine,’ but there’s no use talking about it anymore and we are pretty much done here, I think.")

Morning (it’s Friday now) comes and no one from Apple calls me. So I get on the horn and call the leasing company directly. Yep, they did get a machine and yep, LaToya from Apple Sales Support is taking care of it and yep, it will go out this evening. Great I say and hang up.

If you are reading carefully, you can spot my error. I failed, utterly and completely, to ask the leasing guy WHERE they were shipping the box! Rookie mistake.

Monday rolls around and I get a box from Apple. I’ll give you a million guesses and you are so smart that you won’t even need two in order to guess what I received.

I got the exact same box that I sent back to Apple way back on Feb. 21. Same packaging and everything. Cue my head doing the exploding bit again. I opened it up, and just for giggles, plugged it in. Fans still in the same state as before and they blew all our posters off the walls. Yes, my friends, Apple sent me back the exact thing that I sent them to replace. Note: this is NOT the box that landed in Michigan, that’s a completely separate computer. Apple inexplicably FedEx-ed the DOA box right back to me. Bad craziness.

I called LaToya and expressed my disappointment. She said that the box in Michigan was ours and it was winging it’s way back to the Mothership, where it will be processed and then sent to me. I was silent for a while, mostly because I was concentrating so hard on not letting my head go all to pieces again. I think LaToya sensed my discomfort and said that she would try and talk to a contact at Apple who knew a guy who was the dermatologist of a gal at FedEx and see if they couldn’t re-route the box to me. I said I appreciated that and if she would also be so kind as to keep me informed as to what the H-E-double toothpicks was going on.

So today (it’s Tuesday, March 7, 2006) around mid-morning, Ali, our wonderful receptionist called me and said that she had a big brown box at the front desk and was this what I’d been waiting for?

Oh sweet Jonathon Ivie in a tree, it was! Bright, shiny “new” G5, having succesfully circumnavigated the globe (via a leasing company In Michigan). Praise zoraster! Plugged it in and it’s silent and sweet and Luigi loves it.

And look! I have all the old machines ready to pack up and send back. Whee!



So the casualty report goes thusly:

Nights I spent at work doing computer stuff: 12-14 (I’ve lost count and that doesn’t even include weekends)
Times I reformatted the server: 3
Number of bad G5s: 3
Number of bad Cinema Displays: 1
Times I called Apple: Like, lots, dude.
Times my head asploded: Again, lots.

In fairness to Apple, everyone I talked to was really trying to help me. They all expressed sorrow and shock about my story. LaToya was a gem, once she got involved.

I still don’t quite get why they shipped the old DOA box back to me, though. That’s a dome scratcher. LaToya has arranged for a FedEx pick up, but I didn’t check to see if they actaully came and picked it up before I left this evening.

I just wonder what will happen tomorrow. Maybe they’ll forget and I’ll get to keep the DOA G5 which I can use to help me dry the carpets when the basement floods again. (Because the fans are so powerful, get it? Duh.)

1. *laughs*
   Holy hell.

   That’s.. hilariously depressing.

   Posted by Sasha  on  03/08/06  at  07:55 PM

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Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

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