Friday, June 29, 2007

Classic Maneuver

Every man in a serious heterosexual and monogamous relationship, who wants to stay in that relationship, has learned possibly the most important lesson there is in life.

Lie about your wife’s butt.

Well, technically, you don’t have to lie, but we all know, you try your hardest not to speak ill of The Booty. As in the classic, “Do these jeans make my butt look big?”

“Nope. Looks great to me!”

Now, as you can tell, the key phrase here is to point out that the hiney looks great to YOU. Since this is a long term, committed relationship, your opinion as the male is the important one.

Well, no, it’s probably not, but let’s pretend it is.

Anyway, Reha and I were having a discussion about exercising. She’s taken up running and is starting to work out at the gym and is still at that stage where there is only pain and she hasn’t felt any real gains yet. She’s committed to carrying on with her program, but would like to see results faster. Standard exercises gripes.

“But seriously, your butt is totally smaller these days. Not like it was huge before, but I can tell it is smaller since you have been running. Absolutely.”

“I can’t believe you would even say that.”

“What? It’s true, it looks smaller. I love your butt, it’s awesome.”

“See, that’s just unbelievable to me.”

“Well, I do.”

“…”

“Plus, it’s the only butt I’m technically allowed to love.”

“So it’s more of a ‘love the butt you’re with’ kind of thing.”

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.