Tuesday, March 18, 2008

An Adult Conversation

I am not at my best early in the morning.

Ellis (5): I DON’T WANT TO GO TO SCHOOL!

Me (no caffeine in my system yet): For the love of all that is holy on this green earth, why not?

Ellis: I don’t like my shirt!

Me: What is wrong with it?

E (whispering in my ear and weeping a bit): It doesn’t have sparkles and it isn’t cute like Madison’s! [I’m guessing here, but I’m pretty sure Madison is some trollop in her pre-school class, WHOM I NOW LOATHE, because SHE has caused me this grief.]

Me (trying to be understanding, but more than a little exasperated): When I brought it to you and put it on you, not three minutes ago, my friend, you were excited about it.

E (shouting right in my ear now): NO, I WASN’T!

Me: Yeah, E., you were. You said, “Oh, I love this shirt!”

E: NU-UH!

Me: YA-HUH!

E: NU-UH!

Me: YA-HUH!

[Repeat that for a while.]

E: YOU AREN’T REMEMBERING IT RIGHT! [and then she punched me]

Reha: Jeez! Both of you, KNOCK IT OFF! Ellis, the shirt you have is very cute, it doesn’t need sparkles. Jon, would you please try and be the adult here?

Me (a bit sulkily, I must admit): She started it!

[Annnnndddd.... Scene!]

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.