Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Dark Force

There is a irresistible force in the Universe. It cannot be stopped. It cannot be mollified or bargained with. You can’t sweet talk your way out of it. It is hard. It is real and it is powerful beyond belief.

You know what I’m talking about, right?

The mini-bar at a swanky hotel.

IT CALLS TO ME.

I’m am currently sitting across from a hotel mini bar in a swanky hotel.

I’m staring at it.

It’s staring back.

I swear to you, I can hear it whispering to me, “Come to me, open me, behold my mighty and tiny bottles of gin and bloody mary mix and weep with joy.”

A can of Diet Coke for $3.75. It must be the Diet Coke the gods themselves drink, mustn’t it?

A ridiculously teeny jar of macadamia nuts for $11. Think of what wondrous delights contained in that sealed jar!

A disposable Fuji QuickSnap camera labeled “for my memories” that weighs in at $15. Dear heaven above, that plastic lens surely captures pictures better than anything a mere mortal could purchase at any reputable camera shop. It’s film, too! What joy!

Anyway.

I now owe the Broadmoor hotel in Colorado Springs approximately $477.39 in mini-bar charges.

And I’ll be here until Saturday. Who needs a 401K?

At least I’ll have plenty of pictures of me half drunk on bad cabernet sauvignon and covered in tiny bottles of booze and dribbling pistachio nut husks.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Partners
• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2010 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.