Wednesday, September 24, 2008

A Dark Force

There is a irresistible force in the Universe. It cannot be stopped. It cannot be mollified or bargained with. You can’t sweet talk your way out of it. It is hard. It is real and it is powerful beyond belief.

You know what I’m talking about, right?

The mini-bar at a swanky hotel.

IT CALLS TO ME.

I’m am currently sitting across from a hotel mini bar in a swanky hotel.

I’m staring at it.

It’s staring back.

I swear to you, I can hear it whispering to me, “Come to me, open me, behold my mighty and tiny bottles of gin and bloody mary mix and weep with joy.”

A can of Diet Coke for $3.75. It must be the Diet Coke the gods themselves drink, mustn’t it?

A ridiculously teeny jar of macadamia nuts for $11. Think of what wondrous delights contained in that sealed jar!

A disposable Fuji QuickSnap camera labeled “for my memories” that weighs in at $15. Dear heaven above, that plastic lens surely captures pictures better than anything a mere mortal could purchase at any reputable camera shop. It’s film, too! What joy!

Anyway.

I now owe the Broadmoor hotel in Colorado Springs approximately $477.39 in mini-bar charges.

And I’ll be here until Saturday. Who needs a 401K?

At least I’ll have plenty of pictures of me half drunk on bad cabernet sauvignon and covered in tiny bottles of booze and dribbling pistachio nut husks.

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/24/08 at 10:59 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Friday, September 19, 2008

Let’s Make a Sandwich





The 5 Year Old Makes Her Own Sandwich, originally uploaded by zuhl.

I was in the shower this morning and Ellis decided to be helpful and make her own sandwich.

In her words: “The jelly just went everywhere, Daddy.”

You don’t say…

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/19/08 at 09:47 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, September 15, 2008

I’ll Be Back

I’m having a weird couple weeks (again), so I’ll be back later this week.

In the meantime, this knocks my socks off:

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/15/08 at 01:18 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, September 08, 2008

Look Back in Bewilderment

Fixate on this for a moment.

The Love Boat ran on TV for TEN seasons. Ten. Freaking. Years.

I’m not even sure I can wrap my head around how it must have been for the writers (and producers, directors, actors, etc.) in the last year or so of that show. The main cast was all but gone, they’d run through almost every conceivable plot line and quality had obviously not been seen in the building since the late 70s. It must have been hell.

Producer #1: We got picked up for another season!

Producer #2: You have GOT to be kidding me. This must be how Faust felt as his contract came due. You’re serious?

Producer #1: Yep. I just got off the phone with my agent. We are on for another year. I can’t believe it either.

Producer #2: But all of the major stars are gone! Sure, Gavin is still here, he doesn’t have anything better to do, but we offered Fred a wheelbarrow full of money and he’s not coming back. Says he wants to run for Congress or something. Whatever. And Ted is sick and tired of being the happy, hippy black bartender. He’s not coming back even if we let him captain the ship.

Producer #1: Really, he didn’t go for the “Captain Stubbing is down, call Isaac plot line!”?

Producer #2: No chance.

Producer #1: What about Charo? What if we got her a gig as the new Cruise Director?

Producer #2: No go. The cuchi-cuchi boat has sailed.

Producer #1: Well, I’m totally stuck. I’m not sure there is enough coke in Columbia to get me through this season. What the hell are we going to write? We’ve done everything!

Producer #2: I know. What about another Jimmie Walker as a ghost episode? That killed!

Producer #1: Not gonna do that. I had to choke back my spleen on that one. I can’t do it.

Producer #2: OK. I just got off the phone with my agent. We are getting killed as soon as they can find a mid-season replacement for us. So it’ll be like three episodes, plus a Christmas special.

Producer #1: Screw that. We’ll do two and stretch the Christmas one out as a two-parter.

Producer #2: Excellent plan. Oh, thank you, sweet release of death.

On a personal note, I used to watch this show RELIGIOUSLY as a boy. I had a huge boyhood crush on Lauren Tewes and when she left the show, I was CRUSHED. Also, if you spend even ten wasted minutes perusing the cast lists of those ten seasons, you’ll note that it reads like a “who’s who” of TV (and some movie) stars from the late 70s and early 80s. Crazy.

Also, please, DO NOT waste your time perusing the imdb pages for The Love Boat. I like you too much to know that you are wasting your life and time on something like that.

My guess, every TV age will have one of these kinds of shows. Deliciously bad, but appeals to a certain demographic. See Zack and Cody and their moronic Suite Life in 15-20 years.

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/08/08 at 02:14 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Thursday, September 04, 2008

RNT Mission Statement

I’m currently redesigning the Ransom Note Typography site. I’m also taking the opportunity to re-think some things.

Hence, I present you with the shiny and new Ransom Note Typography Mission Statement:

1) At Ransom Note Typography, we are committed to presenting our loyal readers with quality content on a regular basis.

The same standard of poorly written, cheaply executed and deeply flawed ideas will continue. On the same unpredictable, irrational and irregular schedule I’ve enjoyed of late.

2) The reader is the most important member of the Ransom Note Typography Team. Without you, we wouldn’t be here.

I have readers! Suck it, lesser blogs! And, you can’t spell “reader” without stealing a few letters from “team,” now can you?

3) Ransom Note Typography strives to open new markets and garner as many new readers as possible while still maintaing our high standards.

Why can’t I be dooce or kottke, too? And don’t say it’s because they have talent and I’m basically a hack. That’s been said to me a million times already, OK? And for the love of all that is holy, will someone please click on those goofy ad things over there? I have a kid in college now! Come on!

4) Ransom Note Typography will never stoop to being evil, merely for a piece of your page views.

Submit this to Digg! Reddit! StumbleUpon! Please, pretty please on a bacon flavored cherry lollipop, tell all your friends and family members about me! Subscribe in a feed reader! I’m pathetic and emotionally needy and desperate for the attention and validation of strangers on the Internet! The therapy isn’t helping!

5) Ransom Note Typography is “kid friendly” and will never go blue and seek the cheap laughs of comedic vulgarity.

Shit, we’d never do that.

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/04/08 at 06:04 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link
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