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Ego Worship at its worst

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:

Hey! How are you?

Wait, I already know how you are! You were sick last week. Bad cold that turned into the flu. Which, I can totally understand must have sucked as bad as you described it. How many times did you “blow chunks?” Oh right, four or five times! You lost count. Ughs-ville.

You carried on that conversation with your friend, “I Shave My Head at the Gym Guy” for a while. You guys also seem to know A LOT about mutual funds and option calls. Bravo. I was not aware of that whole Triple Witching Hour phenomenon. Very interesting.

Anyhoo.

Here’s a thought, maybe you could wait and have those conversations, heck any conversation at all, until you are clothed? Or barring that, if you simply must speak while you are standing there with all the stuff God gave you hanging out for the rest of us to try and avoid glancing at, go right ahead and use that towel you are holding in your hand and wrap it around yourself. Super easy process, the towel wrap.

Forgive me if I’m pointing out the obvious, but have you noticed how deathly quiet the men’s locker room is, until you start gabbing? Again, I’m sorry if this is something you already know, but I kind of think it’s worth repeating: There is a code in the men’s room which also applies in the locker room: you don’t talk. You can make little head bob gestures in lieu of verbalization that mean “Hey man, what’s up?” but no words are exchanged. You do what you came for and then leave. Talking happens in other places. This isn’t rocket science and most of us learned this a long time ago. It’s just one of those ancient cultural and anthropological things.

Please know this as well, this isn’t so much about “good naked” and “bad naked” as it is about nudity in general. Again, from the rapid and discreet glances I made, and with the understanding that I am a flaming heterosexual, I have to say that though you do fall in the “good naked” class of people, which might make you think you can just stand there, glisten and chit-chat for an extended period of time, but really? Not so much. Granted, I fall squarely in the “not so great naked” category, so of course I’m totally green with envy, but I think all the other guys around me, even the “look pretty decent naked” committee in the back corner would agree that having you stand there and talk about no-load mutual funds while your junk is out there on display isn’t really why we are here at the gym.

So let me offer up this one small piece of advice. Next time you come to the gym, take a moment and observe the behavior of your fellow male cohorts. Heck, you can even stare at me next time, I’m cool with that. See, when I change from my street clothes to my shorts and tee-shirt, notice that the transition from clothed to naked to clothed again is almost instantaneous . Ten seconds tops. There is no delay between when I whip off my pants to when I pull up the running shorts. I even set the shorts and tee-shirt out on the bench next to me so I don’t have to root around in my gym bag to re-clothe myself. Plus, no one wants to see me bend over and try and find something in my gym bag while pants-less. That’s not a pretty picture, trust me. Also, note that I am as quiet as a proverbial church mouse while performing all disrobing and re-dressing activities. They require no speech.

Now, please understand, I think it’s great that you aren’t ashamed of your body and feel completely comfortable in your skin. That must be super for you. It’s just that the rest of us don’t feel all that comfortable with your skin, that’s all.

Thanks, bro (you seem to be a “bro” kind of fellow),
jon

P.S. Do you know “Grunts While He Does Squats Man?” I think we need to have a talk with him as well about all the noise he makes while lifting. I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself.

jd

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations

Before the big meeting over the weekend, Ransom Note Typography minions managed to plant a couple high tech microphones on key members of the negotiating teams during the marathon sessions between the Writer’s Guild of America (representing the writers, duh) and the Alliance of Motion Picture & Television Producers (representing the blood sucking, money grubbing studios and producers).

We are not biased in the slightest here at RNT World Headquarters.

The following is a transcript of the tapes we got via FedEx late this afternoon.

Chairs rustling as people begin to sit

Voice 1 (Studio Boss, we presume): Everybody OK? Anyone need a Pellegrino? Latte? Diet Coke?

Voice 2 (writer, we guessed): Yeah, can I get a half-decaf mochachino venti, low foam and extra hot? Really hot. Hotter than the heat of a thousand suns hot, please. Thanks.

Voice 1: Sure thing, Bob. MARCI! Hey, Marci, listen, will you run to the Starbucks down the street and get Alan a cup of jo, with a shot of half and half or something.

Bob: Um, I really wanted half-decaf—

Alan: Bob, I am never going to remember all that crap. Marci, get him a cup of coffee and some of those creamers, will ya? And get me a boysenberry danish, the crumbly kind, three napkins, a fork and two plates, while you’re at it. And get my Blackberry out of my bag and call Jiilian and tell her to cancel the swim class tonight, my psoriasis is acting up this week and the chlorine really does a number on my skin.

Woman’s voice (presumably Marci): You want a coffee with that?

Alan: Oh, Lord, no, I’m already going to be up all night. And the acid just kills my stomach. But pop open one of those Pellegrinos and let it go flat for me. And throw some ice in a glass when you get back. Thanks, hon.

Much throat clearing

Alan: OK, look. We have a problem. You word guys are way too bent out of shape. Seems to us over at AMPTP like you fellows with the typewriters are being a little greedy, don’t you think?.

Bob: Alan, I think we are being more than fair and quite reasonable. Right now we only earn FOUR cents per DVD sold. Less than a nickel per $24.99 DVD! And zilch on internet stuff. We have to be fairly compensated, Alan. And, you also need to recognize that new media falls under our jurisdiction. We have to protect these young kids out there writing on the Internet and all this new media stuff.

Alan: Look, Bob, I understand your position, and I feel for you, but really, you gotta understand, we don’t need you guys as much anymore. You aren’t really in a position of strength here, my friend. Plus, no one is making any money off the Internet. Zippo. Bupkis. Bunch of smelly hippies, stealing our intellectual property is what the Internet is. Trust me, Bob, you don’t want any part of the Internet stuff. We can’t even get that fruity company, what’s their name, again? Marci!

Young woman’s voice: Marci left to get the danish, sir.

Alan (huge sigh): Fine. What’s your name, hon?

Young woman: Riva, sir.

Alan (rolls eyes): Whatever. What’s the name of the fruit company that sells those little pod-pud things? [sound of fingers snapping] We bought my niece one in pink, remember?

Bob: Apple. Alan, Apple sells the iPod and sells your shows on iTunes. Over the Internet.

Alan: Again. Whatever. Those fruity folks got all huffy and hot and bothered the other day. They don’t like our ideas about pricing. It’s nuts! All I’m saying is that the Internet is full of bandits, Bob. You don’t want any part of that. We don’t even want a part of that, but we have to do something, you know? Holy pants on a bamboo pole, look at the music business, poor bastards. The Internet stole EVERYTHING from them. We aren’t making a plug nickel off the Internet, Bob. You gotta believe me! So I don’t understand why you are making such a fuss about it. Look at this contract proposal of yours, you got a whole section in here called: “Revenue from Internet streaming.” What revenue?! Are you kidding me? I’m dying here with this Internet revenue stuff! Plus, there are thousands of people out there at home in their underwear in the day, writing, just like you clowns from the WGA. I just heard about this blagging stuff the other day. It’s crazy stuff! I had Marci start a blag thing for me. Livepress.com? Wordjournal? Anyway. A zillion and a half monkeys out there, I bet if we put it all in a hopper, some kind of Shakespeare will sift out. So what if it isn’t really the next Hamlet, people don’t really care about quality anymore. You know that! Hell, we just put Harold and Kumar 4 into pre-production. No, let’s stay away from an Internet talk, my friend, that’s rough and felonious territory. A veritable den of thieves.

Bob: Well, we are going to have to address revenue sharing for Internet downloads and streaming at some point. But I’d really like to discuss the criminally low residuals we receive from DVD sales. Now your public statements about the health of your business, combined with the latest 10-K from the SEC, in DVD sales alone, your company made over—

Alan: Bob, I’m going to stop you right there. We can’t really say exactly what we sold. We make a lot of plastic discs, sure, but how much money do we really make off ‘em? Who can say? We send trucks out to Wal-Mart, but it gets really complicated after that. Who knows how many those guys sell! And the financial statements! Come on! Think about it, Bob, you know how mushy and shady those financial statements are. Like Mick Jagger said, “I see a red door, and I want to paint it gray.” Hell, you write fiction for a living, we should get you to take a poke at those statements once in a while.

General laughter around the room.

Alan: Anyway, Bob, we are getting eaten alive by piracy. You’ve seen the news. Right here on our own channel they say it: Billions and billions of dollars of our property flying around the Internet right now and we aren’t seeing any of that action. Trillions, even! Hell, you walk down the street in Manchuria or over there in China and you trip over a stack of bad copies of Rush Hour 3 when you walk out the door. Though really, they were just there to keep the door propped open. What a stinker that was! Who wrote that again, Bob?

Bob (obviously annoyed and testy): I don’t think we are here to discuss the merits of any one movie or show in particular. The industry as a whole is the problem we are trying to address. We need to talk about revenue sharing and residuals and what we, the writers are rightfully owed.

Alan: I’m just asking. No need to get defensive, my boy. I’m sure it was all Ratner’s fault anyway.

Bob (very angry and his voice is squeaky and shaking): Yeah, sure. Fine. Whatever. You know for a fact that the script I delivered to him years ago was better than the drivel they filmed. My name isn’t even anywhere on that script anymore. And you know that.

Silence for a few moments. A couple of throats clear uncomfortably.

Bob: Anyway. We need to come to some conclusion on the matter of DVD sales. The WGA thinks a doubling of the compensatory fees for DVDs with over $1 million in gross sales is more than reasonable.

Alan: Your comedy skills have never been better, Bob. Very sharp! That’s a funny, isn’t it? We should put you on staff for this new Bob Saget vehicle we are throwing together.

Bob: We are totally serious. You are making a mint from DVD sales. We helped create that product. We have the numbers to back that up. We must be remunerated.

Alan: I don’t think you really understand the weak position you are in, Bob.

Bob: What are you talking about, Alan? I think our position has never been stronger. We create. You film and sell. We should get some of that money. Seems pretty simple and strong to me.

Alan: But I don’t think you understand. We don’t need you anymore! Look at what happened last time you keyboard jockeys got your panties in a wad. Remember that, back in the 80s? You were out for days! Weeks! Who missed you? No one, really. Sure, Letterman was annoyed, but he’s always pissed about something. Dave is Dave, nothing you can do about that. And what did we do while you guys were out there parading around L.A. with your signs and tinny megaphones, Bob? I’ll tell you what we did. We got smart. We went out and made reality shows. Reality! Non-fiction. No writers, baby! No made up stories, just real folks, eating worms and setting fire to their cousins on TV. Sure it’s crap, but it’s dirt cheap to make. Hire a couple snot-nosed camera crews, hell, Union people even. Hire a couple kids to follow that blonde bimbo, what her name? Annie Nicky Smith? The plump one, you know who I mean. Died a couple years ago. Marci! What was the blond’s name? Anyway, hire a few college kids to follow her around with a microphone and a Canon or put a bunch of cameras in Ozzy Milbourne’s house and you know what you have? A hit! H-I-T, hit, baby! You think we can’t keep doing that? The public eats that stuff for breakfast, Bob. Sure, we’ll throw you and the critics a bone once in a while and make The Wire and 24 and The Office and what not, but the future is Reality, Reality, Reality! Plus, the internet! It’s gonna be great! You ever see those YouTurn videos? Like that one with the dog and the skateboard? Stupid as hell, but people love to watch that crap. Marci! What’s the name of that one thing? That thing with the girl? HornyGirl12? LonelyChicken44? Whatever. That one thing with the girl. We bought that for a song. Marci! Where is she? That stuff doesn’t even need writers, my friend. It writes itself. MARCI!

Marci (running and panting): Sorry, sir, the boysenberry danishes weren’t very crumbly, so they are making a new batch. I got you a strawberry cruller. Here’s your cocoa, Mr. Johnson.

Bob: Cocoa? But I asked for coffee?

Marci: They were out. Sorry.

At that point in the tapes, the sound faded and we don’t really know what happened in the meeting. But we do know that the writers are probably getting screwed with their pants on.

Fight the Power.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

We Regret the Error

I have been publishing on the web for a number of years. Ransom Note Typography is merely the latest incarnation. Over the course of the past few years of this site I have made a number of small factual, grammatical and typographical errors. In the tradition of the very best journalists and media outlets, I shall now endeavor to correct these errors in the record, before they begin to fester.


I was never arrested for hiding in Jennifer Aniston’s shrubbery outside her bedroom window. I was up in a tree.

When I called my youngest daughter “Devil Spawn,” I obviously misspoke. She is, in fact, “Demon Spawn.”

Due to an error in editing in my review of Windows Vista, the sentence that read “And then I booted into Windows Vista; my face caught on fire, my head exploded in a torturous rage of pain, and pus began to flow from every pore of my body” was incorrect. I could have easily omitted the comma after the word “pain.”

My boss is the Creative Director, not the Creative Detractor, as I once published.

A mis-configured server allowed this error to slip into the feed for the site: “George Bush (40) is the worst thing to happen to the United States since they canceled Firefly and he will go down in history as the worst president to ever lead this nation; I can’t believe we still put up with his crap day after day; does anyone really believe even one word that comes out of his mouth? ‘The Surge is working,’ my big fat, hairy tookus.” [President Bush is the 43rd president, not the 40th.]

The picture of me posing nude with Carmen Electra was obviously fake and a bad Photoshop job.

Due to the lateness of the hour, the overarching pain and the side effects of certain opiates I had taken; I made a small error when I stated that I ran the St. George Marathon in under 2 hours. I have not, as of yet crossed the finish line and am posting this from mile marker 19.

I accidentally left out the word “not” in the sentence that read: “I was high when I asked Reha to marry me.”

Had I done even a perfunctory Google search I would have known that calling one of my new co-workers a “spic” was very bad form. That was very wrong of me. Also I should not have pointed out in her first staff meeting that she had “bodacious ta-ta’s.” Again, very bad form on my part and I apologize.

As of this writing, Abe Vigoda is still not dead, no matter what I said in 2005.

Though I spell-check every entry before hitting “publish,” I somehow misspelled “right-wing nutjobs who seem intent on destroying all our civil liberties” as “ass-wipe morons who can’t seem to understand that we still have a Bill of Rights in this country.” I have since re-installed my word processing software and hope the error doesn’t pop up again.


Thank you for being one of my readers and I hope that these errors, oversights and misstatements do not detract from your viewing pleasure here at Ransom Note Typography. I cherish all of you.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor

Friday, October 20

Dear Ron!

We are so thrilled that you have agreed to be our General Contractor! We really liked some of your ideas for the house! They are so very “thinking outside of the box” and we think it will be awesome to work with such a visionary!

Enclosed in this envelope, please find cash (as requested) equalling half of the bid. Your request that this be a “cash only deal” is a little odd, but you know this business better than I do, I’m sure.

According to the schedule you faxed over to us, demolition of the interior walls will begin Monday next. The fax is a little splotchy and hard to read, but are you sure we are starting then? I thought we weren’t starting until our family had a chance to arrange for other living quarters. Won’t the house be open to the elements for a while? Winter is coming on, you know!

Anyway, Ron, this is going to be great! We can’t wait to see the results!!

Tuesday, October 24

Dear Ron!

Wow, you guys sure did start off with a bang! It is so strange to see the outside world from the bathroom! Speaking of “bangs,” 6:20 A.M. seems a little early to start with the “explosions and banging and all that clatter.” At least that is what some of the neighbors are saying anyway. I know you explained to me that you like to get started early before it got hot, but our neighbor to the west is a dear, sweet man who just had some heart surgery and he says it’s bothering him.

Another quick thing, the next door neighbors say the placement of the porta-potty underneath their master bedroom window is less than optimal. Could you have someone move that soon? Anywhere off their property is fine.

Also, as you know, we haven’t been able to find a suitable rental unit yet while the work on the house is on-going. (I’m SO sorry, I know we must be in the way and underfoot A LOT!) Is there any way you could put up some plastic or something by our bedroom? My wife is a little self-conscious about getting dressed with your sub-contractors “staring at me in just a towel.” We’d just set up sheets or something for privacy, but pretty much everything we own is in a storage unit on the other side of town! Ha! Ha!

Looking great! Keep up the good work!

Wednesday, October 25

Dear Ron!

Wow, you guys really are making a LOT of progress on the demolition. I still haven’t seen a dumpster arrive yet. That’s coming soon, right? Surely all the remnants of the walls and the old carpeting won’t stay in the driveway and in the street, will they?

Quick question: I don’t remember the remodel plans calling for a skylight. I’m just a little curious about the hole in the roof over the living room.

Also, and I know you are totally swamped, but the neighbors are still asking about getting the porta-potty moved.

Oh! Before I forget, any luck with the plastic sheets?  (The privacy thing. Again! Sorry!)

I’m sure that now that all the walls are totally off, real progress can begin!

Thursday, October 26

Dear Ron!

I totally understand how you could get called away on another job! I’m sure that sort of thing happens all the time. Just try to let us know next time!

The rain last night coming in through the “skylight” won’t hurt the sub-flooring, will it? I’m a little concerned about that. The corners got pretty wet and they are starting to curl up. You can fix that, right? (I hope!)

And we went ahead and got some plastic sheets for the Master Bedroom, so don’t even worry about that. Just get the other “little job” done so you can come back to us.

We are super excited for this project to really get going!

Friday, October 27

Dear Ron!

So we’ll see you next week, right, for sure? The little job you have will certainly be done by then, right?

Wow, snow before Halloween! That was unexpected! The kids are excited! They made a small snowman in the living room. You don’t think that will cause any MORE damage, do you?

The next door neighbors got a little frustrated and tipped the porta-potty over trying to move it themselves, and a lot of stuff spilled out. All that sludge is covered by snow now, but I bet it’s going to be rank come next spring! Pee-eeew!

Monday, November 6

Dear Ron,

I sort of wish you had told us you had a week long vacation planned for Halloween week. I don’t begrudge you a vacation, certainly everyone deserves a break! And heaven knows you and your crew have put in yeoman’s work tearing down all the house walls and cutting holes in the roof. (I didn’t know about the second skylight, but it’ll look great I’m sure, once it’s closed up!) But maybe in the future, you could let us know you are going to be unreachable for a whole week.

And due to our inability to find a rental apartment in this city (did you know there was a “housing crunch” in the city?! Wow! And rents are C-R-A-Z-Y expensive right now!), we are staying in a “Thrifty Neighbor” motel down the road. Lots of people complain about the smell from the paper plant next door, but you get used to it.

Wednesday, November 8

Dear Ron,

What a difference a couple days makes!

It’s so awesome to see the new framing up! I’m going to have to take a peek at the plans again, because I’m having a hard time picturing all those walls in the dining room. Are they really necessary? And how will a dining room table fit in there?

Also, I’m sorry the funeral procession for the old fellow next door interrupted your work the other day. And though his doctor is saying he died from stress and high blood pressure, I’m sure the hammering and yelling of your crew didn’t have anything to do with it, no matter what the neighbors say!

Oh, and I saw some of the bags that the “new” insulation came in. That material you said you got a great deal on? Are we sure we can use that asbestos stuff as insulation? I thought I remembered something on the news about asbestos being a problem. We should probably talk about that before the drywall goes up.

It is too early to start thinking about paint colors!? :-D

Friday, November 10

Dear Ron,

Wow, you and your crew really are making progress now! Looks like all the framing and walls are up!

Though I sort of remember that a structural engineer friend of ours specifically said that if we removed “that center load bearing wall” and “didn’t support it, the roof would eventually cave in.” He looked very serious when he said that. I know we talked about an “open floor plan,” but don’t we need some kind of support for the roof and second story? That broomstick sized post you have in the basement seems like it might snap in two any second! And as I look up at the ceiling, I swear I can see the roof sagging in a little bit. Probably just my imagination playing tricks on me.

Boy, these late fall/early winter snow storms sure are fun, huh? Not! Ha! Ha! I know you said you’d get to it, but we really didn’t feel comfortable with all the snow inside so we went ahead and put some plastic sheeting up to cover the skylight holes. It’s unfortunate that the plastic keeps falling down.

When do we pick out the kitchen cabinets? The tile colors? The fixtures? Etc.

Wednesday, November 15

Dear Ron:

Another mini-vacation! Wow, I think I should have gone into General Contracting! I had no idea you all got so many vacations and “mini-vacations” as you call them. That’s awesome. The “State Mandated Mini Vacations” was new on me!

Anyway, I’m glad to see that the rough plumbing and rough electrical has been done.

Also, enclosed is the next cash payment. I had no idea there could be so many “overages” already! I guess our original estimate was tad on the low side. I know you had to pay the subs to do the plumbing and electrical “stuff” (as you so eloquently put it), but isn’t hiring them and paying them your job? I’m just a little confused about why I had to pay both you and the “electrician” (who says he is related to you!) for the same work. Does that make sense to you?

Friday, November 17

Dear Ron:

First of all, I am SO sorry for barging in on your “private time” yesterday. You are right, I should have called before dropping in on my house like that. I didn’t know you ever had company on the job site! Though I think that woman should have been wearing more than just a hard hat! Quelle surprisé!

Speaking of calling, it seems to me that you might need a new cell phone. Every time I try to call, it says the number has been disconnected.

Anyway, enough with the “housekeeping” stuff.

The walls and drywall look pretty good. I’m sure we can work around the holes (we have lots of pictures!), but I am a teeny bit concerned about the “waviness” of them. And that odd rough texture, you’ll be checking up on that, right?

Oh! And I’m sure this is a totally minor thing and hopefully a cinch to fix, but when you flush the guest bathroom toilet, well, it’s hard to describe what happens as anything BUT a “fountain of shit.” I’m afraid it’s going to stain the tile in there permanently.

Wednesday, November 29

Ron,

Have a couple nagging little concerns I need to address:

First, what your guys do on their own time is their own business, of course, but maybe you could have a word with one or two of them. The neighbors are telling me that “all sorts of shady drug dealers looking thugs are coming by the house at all hours.” But you know how nosy neighbors can be, right? They aren’t still giving you a hard time about our dead neighbor, are they?

Second, I’m afraid I can’t give you the next cash payment quite yet. Turns out it is illegal to sell a kidney on ebay. And the guy at the bank won’t stop laughing when I walk in the door. But I’m working on it, I promise. You don’t have to call me every twenty minutes in the middle of the night to remind me.

Third, very creative work on the drywall “problems!” I would never have thought that just nailing another layer or two of drywall is what all the pros do. Awesome. Though the rooms are all a bit more skinny than we originally planned.

Fourth, I get a mild shock whenever I flip on an electrical switch. I sure do hope you are right and that “the wires just need time to get all settled and properly broken in” that will go away. Though it does wake you up in the morning! Anything we can do to speed up the “breaking in” process?

Happy Turkey Weekend!

Tuesday, December 12

Ron.

Do you think it would be at all possible to ask for a small variance on the “mini-vacation” law? I’m very concerned that we won’t be done in time. We are willing to help out with things like painting in order to get it all done before the Holidays. And you are going to have to explain to me again exactly why I still have to pay you for the painting, even though my wife, my two young daughters and I are doing the actual work.

And I know I should have brought this up much sooner, but I end up having a problem with the windows you installed. It just seems to me (I know, I know, I’m not an expert!) that they are kind of flimsy. As a matter of fact, one kind of fell out and it appears to my untrained eye that the edges of the window were nothing more than wire coat hangers, wrapped in aluminum foil. I’ll have to have you take a look.

And here is one more thing to add to your List: The TV only seems to get the local cable access channel. Could you look into that?

And another thing! Looks like you got around to fixing the “fountain” problem in the guest bath, which is GREAT and we are grateful just for the relief from the odor. However, we have one more little issue in there. Seems that the hot and cold are reversed on the sink taps. The wife scalded herself pretty badly the other morning. The E.R. docs say she’ll probably regain most of the use of her left hand, so no worries. Anywho, if you could look into that, that’d be swell.

And on the subject of plumbing, I know you said we could save money by using PVC pipe for everything instead of copper, but I’m not seeing that reflected in your most recent invoice. I’m sure that’s just an oversight and the next invoice will reflect the change.

Again, I don’t mean to be a nervous nelly about this, but were there Sheriff’s deputies on the property the other day? My neighbor said that your foreman was hauled off in cuffs for felony drug possession and dealing. (wow!) I’m sure she must have heard that wrong.

We do like the “dark auburn” color you chose for the bedrooms! I was amazed you could get that color just from mixing up leftover paint. I’m wondering if it’s really going to look OK to have ALL the rooms that color. Won’t it get monotonous?

Friday, December 22

Ron:

Well, we all pulled together and we got it all done! From the outside the house looks amazing. And it has that modern “lean” you were explaining to me the other day.

Though I wish you could have been there while our 6 year old was up on the ladder re-doing the ceiling fan wiring. Your expertise was sorely missed then!

This envelope has your cash final payment. It reflects all the “change-orders” we discussed the other day. I’m still wondering how all that wire you charged us for could even fit in the house! And again, I think you may want to clean your fax machine as it seems that a lot of the “work descriptions” fields were blurry and hard to read. And there were a lot of entries that even once I could read them, it seemed like they said “misc. exps. overs.” The dollars amounts are always pristine, though.

OH! And this is important! Have you seen the cat lately? I can hear her meow-ing, but I can’t find her.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

What I Did There

I made a joke. It’s wasn’t particularly funny. That isn’t really the point. But I did what I do:

Me: You see what I did there?

Reha: What did you do there?

Me: I made a little joke.

Reha (incredibly non-committal-ly): Mhm.

Time passes.

I make essentially the SAME little joke. (That’s a “call-back” in the comedy biz, kids)

Me: You see what I did there?

Reha: A useless change in the carbon-dioxide/oxygen ratio in the room?

Me: You could just say it wasn’t a funny joke, you know.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.