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Ego Worship at its worst

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor

Friday, October 20

Dear Ron!

We are so thrilled that you have agreed to be our General Contractor! We really liked some of your ideas for the house! They are so very “thinking outside of the box” and we think it will be awesome to work with such a visionary!

Enclosed in this envelope, please find cash (as requested) equalling half of the bid. Your request that this be a “cash only deal” is a little odd, but you know this business better than I do, I’m sure.

According to the schedule you faxed over to us, demolition of the interior walls will begin Monday next. The fax is a little splotchy and hard to read, but are you sure we are starting then? I thought we weren’t starting until our family had a chance to arrange for other living quarters. Won’t the house be open to the elements for a while? Winter is coming on, you know!

Anyway, Ron, this is going to be great! We can’t wait to see the results!!

Tuesday, October 24

Dear Ron!

Wow, you guys sure did start off with a bang! It is so strange to see the outside world from the bathroom! Speaking of “bangs,” 6:20 A.M. seems a little early to start with the “explosions and banging and all that clatter.” At least that is what some of the neighbors are saying anyway. I know you explained to me that you like to get started early before it got hot, but our neighbor to the west is a dear, sweet man who just had some heart surgery and he says it’s bothering him.

Another quick thing, the next door neighbors say the placement of the porta-potty underneath their master bedroom window is less than optimal. Could you have someone move that soon? Anywhere off their property is fine.

Also, as you know, we haven’t been able to find a suitable rental unit yet while the work on the house is on-going. (I’m SO sorry, I know we must be in the way and underfoot A LOT!) Is there any way you could put up some plastic or something by our bedroom? My wife is a little self-conscious about getting dressed with your sub-contractors “staring at me in just a towel.” We’d just set up sheets or something for privacy, but pretty much everything we own is in a storage unit on the other side of town! Ha! Ha!

Looking great! Keep up the good work!

Wednesday, October 25

Dear Ron!

Wow, you guys really are making a LOT of progress on the demolition. I still haven’t seen a dumpster arrive yet. That’s coming soon, right? Surely all the remnants of the walls and the old carpeting won’t stay in the driveway and in the street, will they?

Quick question: I don’t remember the remodel plans calling for a skylight. I’m just a little curious about the hole in the roof over the living room.

Also, and I know you are totally swamped, but the neighbors are still asking about getting the porta-potty moved.

Oh! Before I forget, any luck with the plastic sheets? (The privacy thing. Again! Sorry!)

I’m sure that now that all the walls are totally off, real progress can begin!

Thursday, October 26

Dear Ron!

I totally understand how you could get called away on another job! I’m sure that sort of thing happens all the time. Just try to let us know next time!

The rain last night coming in through the “skylight” won’t hurt the sub-flooring, will it? I’m a little concerned about that. The corners got pretty wet and they are starting to curl up. You can fix that, right? (I hope!)

And we went ahead and got some plastic sheets for the Master Bedroom, so don’t even worry about that. Just get the other “little job” done so you can come back to us.

We are super excited for this project to really get going!

Friday, October 27

Dear Ron!

So we’ll see you next week, right, for sure? The little job you have will certainly be done by then, right?

Wow, snow before Halloween! That was unexpected! The kids are excited! They made a small snowman in the living room. You don’t think that will cause any MORE damage, do you?

The next door neighbors got a little frustrated and tipped the porta-potty over trying to move it themselves, and a lot of stuff spilled out. All that sludge is covered by snow now, but I bet it’s going to be rank come next spring! Pee-eeew!

Monday, November 6

Dear Ron,

I sort of wish you had told us you had a week long vacation planned for Halloween week. I don’t begrudge you a vacation, certainly everyone deserves a break! And heaven knows you and your crew have put in yeoman’s work tearing down all the house walls and cutting holes in the roof. (I didn’t know about the second skylight, but it’ll look great I’m sure, once it’s closed up!) But maybe in the future, you could let us know you are going to be unreachable for a whole week.

And due to our inability to find a rental apartment in this city (did you know there was a “housing crunch” in the city?! Wow! And rents are C-R-A-Z-Y expensive right now!), we are staying in a “Thrifty Neighbor” motel down the road. Lots of people complain about the smell from the paper plant next door, but you get used to it.

Wednesday, November 8

Dear Ron,

What a difference a couple days makes!

It’s so awesome to see the new framing up! I’m going to have to take a peek at the plans again, because I’m having a hard time picturing all those walls in the dining room. Are they really necessary? And how will a dining room table fit in there?

Also, I’m sorry the funeral procession for the old fellow next door interrupted your work the other day. And though his doctor is saying he died from stress and high blood pressure, I’m sure the hammering and yelling of your crew didn’t have anything to do with it, no matter what the neighbors say!

Oh, and I saw some of the bags that the “new” insulation came in. That material you said you got a great deal on? Are we sure we can use that asbestos stuff as insulation? I thought I remembered something on the news about asbestos being a problem. We should probably talk about that before the drywall goes up.

It is too early to start thinking about paint colors!? :-D

Friday, November 10

Dear Ron,

Wow, you and your crew really are making progress now! Looks like all the framing and walls are up!

Though I sort of remember that a structural engineer friend of ours specifically said that if we removed “that center load bearing wall” and “didn’t support it, the roof would eventually cave in.” He looked very serious when he said that. I know we talked about an “open floor plan,” but don’t we need some kind of support for the roof and second story? That broomstick sized post you have in the basement seems like it might snap in two any second! And as I look up at the ceiling, I swear I can see the roof sagging in a little bit. Probably just my imagination playing tricks on me.

Boy, these late fall/early winter snow storms sure are fun, huh? Not! Ha! Ha! I know you said you’d get to it, but we really didn’t feel comfortable with all the snow inside so we went ahead and put some plastic sheeting up to cover the skylight holes. It’s unfortunate that the plastic keeps falling down.

When do we pick out the kitchen cabinets? The tile colors? The fixtures? Etc.

Wednesday, November 15

Dear Ron:

Another mini-vacation! Wow, I think I should have gone into General Contracting! I had no idea you all got so many vacations and “mini-vacations” as you call them. That’s awesome. The “State Mandated Mini Vacations” was new on me!

Anyway, I’m glad to see that the rough plumbing and rough electrical has been done.

Also, enclosed is the next cash payment. I had no idea there could be so many “overages” already! I guess our original estimate was tad on the low side. I know you had to pay the subs to do the plumbing and electrical “stuff” (as you so eloquently put it), but isn’t hiring them and paying them your job? I’m just a little confused about why I had to pay both you and the “electrician” (who says he is related to you!) for the same work. Does that make sense to you?

Friday, November 17

Dear Ron:

First of all, I am SO sorry for barging in on your “private time” yesterday. You are right, I should have called before dropping in on my house like that. I didn’t know you ever had company on the job site! Though I think that woman should have been wearing more than just a hard hat! Quelle surprisé!

Speaking of calling, it seems to me that you might need a new cell phone. Every time I try to call, it says the number has been disconnected.

Anyway, enough with the “housekeeping” stuff.

The walls and drywall look pretty good. I’m sure we can work around the holes (we have lots of pictures!), but I am a teeny bit concerned about the “waviness” of them. And that odd rough texture, you’ll be checking up on that, right?

Oh! And I’m sure this is a totally minor thing and hopefully a cinch to fix, but when you flush the guest bathroom toilet, well, it’s hard to describe what happens as anything BUT a “fountain of shit.” I’m afraid it’s going to stain the tile in there permanently.

Wednesday, November 29

Ron,

Have a couple nagging little concerns I need to address:

First, what your guys do on their own time is their own business, of course, but maybe you could have a word with one or two of them. The neighbors are telling me that “all sorts of shady drug dealers looking thugs are coming by the house at all hours.” But you know how nosy neighbors can be, right? They aren’t still giving you a hard time about our dead neighbor, are they?

Second, I’m afraid I can’t give you the next cash payment quite yet. Turns out it is illegal to sell a kidney on ebay. And the guy at the bank won’t stop laughing when I walk in the door. But I’m working on it, I promise. You don’t have to call me every twenty minutes in the middle of the night to remind me.

Third, very creative work on the drywall “problems!” I would never have thought that just nailing another layer or two of drywall is what all the pros do. Awesome. Though the rooms are all a bit more skinny than we originally planned.

Fourth, I get a mild shock whenever I flip on an electrical switch. I sure do hope you are right and that “the wires just need time to get all settled and properly broken in” that will go away. Though it does wake you up in the morning! Anything we can do to speed up the “breaking in” process?

Happy Turkey Weekend!

Tuesday, December 12

Ron.

Do you think it would be at all possible to ask for a small variance on the “mini-vacation” law? I’m very concerned that we won’t be done in time. We are willing to help out with things like painting in order to get it all done before the Holidays. And you are going to have to explain to me again exactly why I still have to pay you for the painting, even though my wife, my two young daughters and I are doing the actual work.

And I know I should have brought this up much sooner, but I end up having a problem with the windows you installed. It just seems to me (I know, I know, I’m not an expert!) that they are kind of flimsy. As a matter of fact, one kind of fell out and it appears to my untrained eye that the edges of the window were nothing more than wire coat hangers, wrapped in aluminum foil. I’ll have to have you take a look.

And here is one more thing to add to your List: The TV only seems to get the local cable access channel. Could you look into that?

And another thing! Looks like you got around to fixing the “fountain” problem in the guest bath, which is GREAT and we are grateful just for the relief from the odor. However, we have one more little issue in there. Seems that the hot and cold are reversed on the sink taps. The wife scalded herself pretty badly the other morning. The E.R. docs say she’ll probably regain most of the use of her left hand, so no worries. Anywho, if you could look into that, that’d be swell.

And on the subject of plumbing, I know you said we could save money by using PVC pipe for everything instead of copper, but I’m not seeing that reflected in your most recent invoice. I’m sure that’s just an oversight and the next invoice will reflect the change.

Again, I don’t mean to be a nervous nelly about this, but were there Sheriff’s deputies on the property the other day? My neighbor said that your foreman was hauled off in cuffs for felony drug possession and dealing. (wow!) I’m sure she must have heard that wrong.

We do like the “dark auburn” color you chose for the bedrooms! I was amazed you could get that color just from mixing up leftover paint. I’m wondering if it’s really going to look OK to have ALL the rooms that color. Won’t it get monotonous?

Friday, December 22

Ron:

Well, we all pulled together and we got it all done! From the outside the house looks amazing. And it has that modern “lean” you were explaining to me the other day.

Though I wish you could have been there while our 6 year old was up on the ladder re-doing the ceiling fan wiring. Your expertise was sorely missed then!

This envelope has your cash final payment. It reflects all the “change-orders” we discussed the other day. I’m still wondering how all that wire you charged us for could even fit in the house! And again, I think you may want to clean your fax machine as it seems that a lot of the “work descriptions” fields were blurry and hard to read. And there were a lot of entries that even once I could read them, it seemed like they said “misc. exps. overs.” The dollars amounts are always pristine, though.

OH! And this is important! Have you seen the cat lately? I can hear her meow-ing, but I can’t find her.

Jon scribbled this mess on 08/15/07 at 12:02 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Stuff that's not true (fiction) Regular Post Favorite Entries. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Thursday, June 07, 2007

What I Did There

I made a joke. It’s wasn’t particularly funny. That isn’t really the point. But I did what I do:

Me: You see what I did there?

Reha: What did you do there?

Me: I made a little joke.

Reha (incredibly non-committal-ly): Mhm.

Time passes.

I make essentially the SAME little joke. (That’s a “call-back” in the comedy biz, kids)

Me: You see what I did there?

Reha: A useless change in the carbon-dioxide/oxygen ratio in the room?

Me: You could just say it wasn’t a funny joke, you know.

Jon scribbled this mess on 06/07/07 at 08:58 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post Favorite Entries. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, March 26, 2007

Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply

~~Tori~~ LouLou has decided to leave our warm, dysfunctional family at the design studio where I work. Something about her husband getting another job in some other place. She was talking about it during staff meeting, but I nodded off.

So now I have to break in ANOTHER receptionist type person and educate her on my way of doing things. I.E., I don’t know the answer to many of her questions, I don’t really care about her questions, and most importantly, NEVER EVER try to call me on the phone. It’s my least preferred way of dealing with the outside world.

But I did get to have one last IM conversation with her (again, I’m changing her name from Tori to LouLou so she doesn’t get embarrassed to be seen here):

Jon: so…
Jon: do we like this Erica person who is taking your place?

LouLou: I think… I’m not sure yet.
LouLou: I’ve only just met her…
LouLou: I’ll let you know what’s up on Monday

Jon: yeah…
Jon: well
Jon: I don’t like the sound of her
Jon: I mean
Jon: Erica? What kind of name is that?
Jon: that’s like a *fake* girl name
Jon: OOH!
Jon: maybe she’s part man!

LouLou Ummm… Maybe?

Jon: you check on Monday to make sure, Mmmm K?

LouLou mmmm k
LouLou: I’ll let you know for sure

Jon: ask… you know… casually…
Jon: “So… do you have all boy parts or all girl parts… or some combination of the two?”

LouLou: No problem, I’m sure she won’t mind

Jon: yeah… just bring it up in the course of the day
Jon: say, “You know… I have all girl parts… what about you… E-R-I-C-A?”

LouLou: oh dear

Jon: what do you care? You are leaving… ya big quitter

LouLou: true

Jon: Quitty McQuits-a-lot

LouLou: I probably won’t ever see her again
LouLou: So I may as well ask her all the good stuff

Jon: exactly… and this is the kind of stuff we need to know
Jon: so we can know what kind of Christmas gifts to get “her,” for example
Jon: like… whether or not to get her frilly, smelling bath salts… or Soap-On-A-Rope

LouLou: I will definitely let you know on that one
LouLou: I’m telling you right now, I have all girl parts.

Jon: yeah. I believe you.

LouLou: I hope so

Jon: but we weren’t sure when you first started… which is why we had Julie check [ed. note. Julie was our old receptionist/Admin Assistant person]

LouLou: ew! I do not remember her asking me that question…

Jon: she followed you home one night
Jon: she was hiding in the hamper in your bathroom, I guess
Jon: or something… I never got those details

So long, ~~LouLou~~, Tori!

Jon scribbled this mess on 03/26/07 at 12:02 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post Favorite Entries. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Friday, March 02, 2007

Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake

Copied and pasted from an actual inter-office IM conversation between me and our (new) receptionist at work yesterday morning.

Jon: hey LouLou.... (ed. note: not her real name. Her real name is Tori and she’s too embarrassed to be seen here, so I’m changing it.)

LouLou: hi

Jon: I’m expecting a couple FedEx packages today

LouLou: Alright.

Jon: So I’m going to need you to be on “Team Jon” and not abandon your post up front

LouLou: I’ll do my best

Jon: See, the players on “Team Jon” are dedicated

LouLou: Definitely.

Jon: do you think you have what it takes to be on Team Jon?

LouLou: I hope so. . .

Jon: it’s a high honor
Jon: only given to the best and the brightest
Jon: and to people who sit in your chair

LouLou: Oh wow. . . this is a great honor.

Jon: absolutely
Jon: and let’s talk about the benefits of being on Team Jon for a second, shall we?
Jon: First off… there is a the honor
Jon: of just being a team member
Jon: I mean
Jon: that alone… it’s worth the price of admission
Jon: but THAT IS NOT ALL!
Jon: There are t-shirts!
Jon: You can have your choice of t-shirts from my bottom drawer at home. Most have even been laundered recently!
Jon: and
Jon: if you are an OUTSTANDING member of Team Jon ... that is… if you perform your Team Jon duties with distinction… well ... there may be a mug/coffee cup in YOUR future

LouLou: Oh wow.
LouLou: Those are great reasons.

Jon: See!
Jon: So… stiff upper lip and all that… Carry on with your Telephonic Answering and Assistant type duties
Jon: those are important as well
Jon: I guess. If you have to and the phone rings

LouLou: Yes sir!

Jon: On Team Jon… The FedEx Guy… he is your REASON FOR LIVING. It’s vital that he not come to the door, peek in and see an empty reception desk. He’ll immediately assume we’ve gone out of business, turn on his little FedEx purple and orange heels, and sashay back to his truck with Team Jon’s packages, without ringing the bell nor even leaving one of those “We missed you” notes. The FedEx Guy IS NOT ON TEAM JON.
Jon: and your husband and stuff like that, I suppose you can live for him as well
Jon: if you must

LouLou: So, what you’re saying is. . . I should have married the FedEx guy, right?
LouLou: It would have made my life a whole lot easier

Jon: that would have been EXEMPLARY Team Jon performance, yes
Jon: for that we would have given you a gift certificate to Chuck-o-Rama
Jon: or Sizzler
Jon: your choice

LouLou: Oh wow, those are both great places
LouLou: Top of the line

Jon: nothing but the best for Team Jon “Stars”

FedEx came. Packages signed for. Though not everything I was expecting. Three Mac Book Pros won’t come until this afternoon. “Shipment Exception.” Stupid FedEx hates me. What’s with all the hate, FedEx? ~~Tori~~ LouLou gets a gold star on her official Team Jon Helmet, especially for being so nice about my chaining her to the receptionist desk. Though I am sorry she got a urinary tract infection from not being able to go to bathroom to pee yesterday afternoon. That was unfortunate, though predictable.

Jon scribbled this mess on 03/02/07 at 12:03 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post Favorite Entries. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Monday, February 05, 2007

Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout

I picked up Microsoft Vista a couple of days ago and after playing with the new OS for a while, I’m ready to throw down and give my honest un-biased assessment. Yes, I know, it’ll be tough since I’ve been a Mac user since the Jobs pulled the damn thing out of a bag at the introduction at the Flint Center a million years ago, but y’all know me, I’m a saint!

Wait, come back! You haven’t even read the thing yet!

Fine.

OK, here we go anyway.

Ease of installation:

Vista: Didn’t install it, because I was too mesmerized by the security hologram on the disc. It’s hypnotically lovely. So pretty!

OS X: Black disc. Big X. BORING!

Advantage: Vista (he says in a hypnotized, zombie-like way)

Initial set-up:

Vista: Again, I didn’t install the OS, so I’m just guessing here, but it seems to me from everything I’ve read that it installs pretty easily. You have to have a decent rig and a potent video card and probably a crap load more RAM then you have on hand (basically a whole new computer), but these are minor details, obviously.

OS X: It was on the machine when I opened the box.

Advantage: Vista (I got to wave the install disc around some more. Shiny!)

Compatibility:

Vista: After setting up the machine, I noticed that the dog had gone missing and the PC burped and it smelled like semi-digested kibble. Vista ate the dog.

OS X: No pets were killed.

Advantage: Vista. That dog has been pissing me off lately so I’m glad it’s gone.

Included Applications:

Vista: Includes a bunch of stuff that quacks like iLife for OS X (Movie Maker, a Photo Galley thing, etc.). Outlook is morphed into Windows Mail and there are “gadgets” that act suspiciously like Exposé on OS X. I fired up the Photo Gallery app and I immediately broke out into hives and it was like my skin was on fire and I began scratching myself until I bled from every pore. I have no outer skin layer now and I am a blubbering mass of oozing puss.

OS X: No hives.

Advantage: Vista. I look GREAT without skin! How did MSFT know I’d look better? Geniuses those boys and girls in Redmond are.

Security:

Vista: Vista introduces User Account Control which seems to pop up every time you move the mouse over an icon and asks “Are you sure about that, bub? This thing could KILL YOU!” Vista also introduces something called “Spy Sweeper” and let me tell you, it’s a BORING game. They should bring back Minesweeper. It’s way more fun to play.

OS X: Damn thing just sits there and waits for me to do something. I do something, like, oh, I don’t know, open an app, and the application just opens. No warnings! No windows blinding me from everywhere! I actually have to get to work and stuff. Totally bogus.

Advantage: Vista. No one wants me to be productive. Trust me on this.

Networking:

Vista: Wizards and helpers and this little dude named “Clint” helped me connect to a local file server and get the wireless setup working with ease.

OS X: No Clint. Though in OS X’s defense, it all kind of worked out of the box without too much fuss and my friend Clint “Über-nerd” Hastings didn’t have to stand there and hold my hand throughout the entire set up.

Advantage: Vista, but your mileage may vary because you don’t know Clint and probably won’t pay him to help you set up the thing like I did. And I’m sorry, Clint, but you are kind of short.

Overall Ease of Use and Look and Feel and Crap like That:

Vista: If you keep the very pretty install disc right next to the screen and glance at it every now and then LIKE THE VOICES TELL YOU TO DO, you’ll love Vista. It’s a solid upgrade to XP and everyone should sell a kidney to get one of the fourteen thousand versions (Basic, Home, Home Premium, Dinosaur, Vegan, Ultimate, Business, Tapered, Cufffed, Puffy and Mango-flavored)

OS X: Only use if you want to keep your dog and feel that getting stuff done is more important than clicking on dialog boxes.

Final Standings:

Vista: 10
OS X: 0

I know there were only seven categories, but Vista gets EXTRA points, because of THE VOICES and all. I’ll be moving all my friends and neighbors and people I see on the street over to Vista! I’m enthralled with the OS, just like I used to be about the Mac. Vista: It’s not a religion, it’s a way of life.

You will all be assimilated.

Jon scribbled this mess on 02/05/07 at 01:11 PM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Regular Post Favorite Entries. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Favorite Entries

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor

Thursday, June 07, 2007

What I Did There

Monday, March 26, 2007

Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply

Friday, March 02, 2007

Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake

Monday, February 05, 2007

Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout

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