Favorite Entries

Ego Worship at its worst

Thursday, June 07, 2007

What I Did There

I made a joke. It’s wasn’t particularly funny. That isn’t really the point. But I did what I do:

Me: You see what I did there?

Reha: What did you do there?

Me: I made a little joke.

Reha (incredibly non-committal-ly): Mhm.

Time passes.

I make essentially the SAME little joke. (That’s a “call-back” in the comedy biz, kids)

Me: You see what I did there?

Reha: A useless change in the carbon-dioxide/oxygen ratio in the room?

Me: You could just say it wasn’t a funny joke, you know.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply

Tori LouLou has decided to leave our warm, dysfunctional family at the design studio where I work. Something about her husband getting another job in some other place. She was talking about it during staff meeting, but I nodded off.

So now I have to break in ANOTHER receptionist type person and educate her on my way of doing things. I.E., I don’t know the answer to many of her questions, I don’t really care about her questions, and most importantly, NEVER EVER try to call me on the phone. It’s my least preferred way of dealing with the outside world.

But I did get to have one last IM conversation with her (again, I’m changing her name from Tori to LouLou so she doesn’t get embarrassed to be seen here):

Jon: so…
Jon: do we like this Erica person who is taking your place?

LouLou: I think… I’m not sure yet.
LouLou: I’ve only just met her…
LouLou: I’ll let you know what’s up on Monday

Jon: yeah…
Jon: well
Jon: I don’t like the sound of her
Jon: I mean
Jon: Erica? What kind of name is that?
Jon: that’s like a *fake* girl name
Jon: OOH!
Jon: maybe she’s part man!

LouLou Ummm… Maybe?

Jon: you check on Monday to make sure, Mmmm K?

LouLou mmmm k
LouLou: I’ll let you know for sure

Jon: ask… you know… casually…
Jon: “So… do you have all boy parts or all girl parts… or some combination of the two?”

LouLou: No problem, I’m sure she won’t mind

Jon: yeah… just bring it up in the course of the day
Jon: say, “You know… I have all girl parts… what about you… E-R-I-C-A?”

LouLou: oh dear

Jon: what do you care? You are leaving… ya big quitter

LouLou: true

Jon: Quitty McQuits-a-lot

LouLou: I probably won’t ever see her again
LouLou: So I may as well ask her all the good stuff

Jon: exactly… and this is the kind of stuff we need to know
Jon: so we can know what kind of Christmas gifts to get “her,” for example
Jon: like… whether or not to get her frilly, smelling bath salts… or Soap-On-A-Rope

LouLou: I will definitely let you know on that one
LouLou: I’m telling you right now, I have all girl parts.

Jon: yeah. I believe you.

LouLou: I hope so

Jon: but we weren’t sure when you first started… which is why we had Julie check [ed. note. Julie was our old receptionist/Admin Assistant person]

LouLou: ew! I do not remember her asking me that question…

Jon: she followed you home one night
Jon: she was hiding in the hamper in your bathroom, I guess
Jon: or something… I never got those details

So long, LouLou, Tori!

Friday, March 02, 2007

Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake

Copied and pasted from an actual inter-office IM conversation between me and our (new) receptionist at work yesterday morning.

Jon: hey LouLou.... (ed. note: not her real name. Her real name is Tori and she’s too embarrassed to be seen here, so I’m changing it.)

LouLou: hi

Jon: I’m expecting a couple FedEx packages today

LouLou: Alright.

Jon: So I’m going to need you to be on “Team Jon” and not abandon your post up front

LouLou: I’ll do my best

Jon: See, the players on “Team Jon” are dedicated

LouLou: Definitely.

Jon: do you think you have what it takes to be on Team Jon?

LouLou: I hope so. . .

Jon: it’s a high honor
Jon: only given to the best and the brightest
Jon: and to people who sit in your chair

LouLou: Oh wow. . . this is a great honor.

Jon: absolutely
Jon: and let’s talk about the benefits of being on Team Jon for a second, shall we?
Jon: First off… there is a the honor
Jon: of just being a team member
Jon: I mean
Jon: that alone… it’s worth the price of admission
Jon: but THAT IS NOT ALL!
Jon: There are t-shirts!
Jon: You can have your choice of t-shirts from my bottom drawer at home. Most have even been laundered recently!
Jon: and
Jon: if you are an OUTSTANDING member of Team Jon ... that is… if you perform your Team Jon duties with distinction… well ... there may be a mug/coffee cup in YOUR future

LouLou: Oh wow.
LouLou: Those are great reasons.

Jon: See!
Jon: So… stiff upper lip and all that… Carry on with your Telephonic Answering and Assistant type duties
Jon: those are important as well
Jon: I guess. If you have to and the phone rings

LouLou: Yes sir!

Jon: On Team Jon… The FedEx Guy… he is your REASON FOR LIVING. It’s vital that he not come to the door, peek in and see an empty reception desk. He’ll immediately assume we’ve gone out of business, turn on his little FedEx purple and orange heels, and sashay back to his truck with Team Jon’s packages, without ringing the bell nor even leaving one of those “We missed you” notes. The FedEx Guy IS NOT ON TEAM JON.
Jon: and your husband and stuff like that, I suppose you can live for him as well
Jon: if you must

LouLou: So, what you’re saying is. . . I should have married the FedEx guy, right?
LouLou: It would have made my life a whole lot easier

Jon: that would have been EXEMPLARY Team Jon performance, yes
Jon: for that we would have given you a gift certificate to Chuck-o-Rama
Jon: or Sizzler
Jon: your choice

LouLou: Oh wow, those are both great places
LouLou: Top of the line

Jon: nothing but the best for Team Jon “Stars”

FedEx came. Packages signed for. Though not everything I was expecting. Three Mac Book Pros won’t come until this afternoon. “Shipment Exception.” Stupid FedEx hates me. What’s with all the hate, FedEx? Tori LouLou gets a gold star on her official Team Jon Helmet, especially for being so nice about my chaining her to the receptionist desk. Though I am sorry she got a urinary tract infection from not being able to go to bathroom to pee yesterday afternoon. That was unfortunate, though predictable.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout

I picked up Microsoft Vista a couple of days ago and after playing with the new OS for a while, I’m ready to throw down and give my honest un-biased assessment. Yes, I know, it’ll be tough since I’ve been a Mac user since the Jobs pulled the damn thing out of a bag at the introduction at the Flint Center a million years ago, but y’all know me, I’m a saint!

Wait, come back! You haven’t even read the thing yet!

Fine.

OK, here we go anyway.

Ease of installation:

Vista: Didn’t install it, because I was too mesmerized by the security hologram on the disc. It’s hypnotically lovely. So pretty!

OS X: Black disc. Big X. BORING!

Advantage: Vista (he says in a hypnotized, zombie-like way)

Initial set-up:

Vista: Again, I didn’t install the OS, so I’m just guessing here, but it seems to me from everything I’ve read that it installs pretty easily. You have to have a decent rig and a potent video card and probably a crap load more RAM then you have on hand (basically a whole new computer), but these are minor details, obviously.

OS X: It was on the machine when I opened the box.

Advantage: Vista (I got to wave the install disc around some more. Shiny!)

Compatibility:

Vista: After setting up the machine, I noticed that the dog had gone missing and the PC burped and it smelled like semi-digested kibble. Vista ate the dog.

OS X: No pets were killed.

Advantage: Vista. That dog has been pissing me off lately so I’m glad it’s gone.

Included Applications:

Vista: Includes a bunch of stuff that quacks like iLife for OS X (Movie Maker, a Photo Galley thing, etc.). Outlook is morphed into Windows Mail and there are “gadgets” that act suspiciously like Exposé on OS X. I fired up the Photo Gallery app and I immediately broke out into hives and it was like my skin was on fire and I began scratching myself until I bled from every pore. I have no outer skin layer now and I am a blubbering mass of oozing puss.

OS X: No hives.

Advantage: Vista. I look GREAT without skin! How did MSFT know I’d look better? Geniuses those boys and girls in Redmond are.

Security:

Vista: Vista introduces User Account Control which seems to pop up every time you move the mouse over an icon and asks “Are you sure about that, bub? This thing could KILL YOU!” Vista also introduces something called “Spy Sweeper” and let me tell you, it’s a BORING game. They should bring back Minesweeper. It’s way more fun to play.

OS X: Damn thing just sits there and waits for me to do something. I do something, like, oh, I don’t know, open an app, and the application just opens. No warnings! No windows blinding me from everywhere! I actually have to get to work and stuff. Totally bogus.

Advantage: Vista. No one wants me to be productive. Trust me on this.

Networking:

Vista: Wizards and helpers and this little dude named “Clint” helped me connect to a local file server and get the wireless setup working with ease.

OS X: No Clint. Though in OS X’s defense, it all kind of worked out of the box without too much fuss and my friend Clint “Über-nerd” Hastings didn’t have to stand there and hold my hand throughout the entire set up.

Advantage: Vista, but your mileage may vary because you don’t know Clint and probably won’t pay him to help you set up the thing like I did. And I’m sorry, Clint, but you are kind of short.

Overall Ease of Use and Look and Feel and Crap like That:

Vista: If you keep the very pretty install disc right next to the screen and glance at it every now and then LIKE THE VOICES TELL YOU TO DO, you’ll love Vista. It’s a solid upgrade to XP and everyone should sell a kidney to get one of the fourteen thousand versions (Basic, Home, Home Premium, Dinosaur, Vegan, Ultimate, Business, Tapered, Cufffed, Puffy and Mango-flavored)

OS X: Only use if you want to keep your dog and feel that getting stuff done is more important than clicking on dialog boxes.

Final Standings:

Vista: 10
OS X: 0

I know there were only seven categories, but Vista gets EXTRA points, because of THE VOICES and all. I’ll be moving all my friends and neighbors and people I see on the street over to Vista! I’m enthralled with the OS, just like I used to be about the Mac. Vista: It’s not a religion, it’s a way of life.

You will all be assimilated.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I Need a Real Hobby

It's quite possible I'll live to regret doing this.

Direct QuickTime (plain old glorious MPEG-4) link to the video in case the picture link-thing-y above doesn't work.

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Correspondence
• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.