Photos

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dahling, You Look Mahvelous!

Oh great wonder of the Universe!

Look at what I have done!

I did her hair yesterday morning!

All by myself!

I didn’t cry or anything.

Well, OK, I did cry ONCE, but really, I was SO brave about the whole thing.

Though perhaps Ellis isn’t so sure about how it turned out.

“Maybe when Mommy gets home she can fix it!”

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Uncle Joe

It’s “Spirit Week” at Carrie’s high school. Today is 50s day. So she is supposed to dress in period clothes, etc.

She is NOT wearing a poodle skirt.

She is going as McCarthyism.

She was going to go as The Red Menace, but it seems all her red shirts are in the wash. Her Joe Stalin tee in particular.

Is it any wonder that I don’t want her to go far away for college?

“Are you now or have you ever been affiliated with the Communist Party?”

“I have a subpoena here in my pocket from HUAC and I’m not afraid to use it.”

Child of Love #1 makes me laugh very hard.

Monday, February 11, 2008

RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!

I don’t do product reviews here, mostly because I’m a pretty relaxed (read, lazy) fellow. Plus, my Mom taught me, “if you don’t have anything mice to say, don’t say anything at all.” But I could not let this one go. I can not remain silent and while this confectionary tragedy marches on.

In the spirit of journalistic integrity, you should know that I have not been compensated by the M&M Mars company for this review. On the contrary, I’m investigating where to forward my medical bills.

Deep in the bowels of the M&M/Mars candy factories, they have created a monstrosity so foul, so noxious and so dastardly that either this stuff gained sentience, escaped the labs and is plotting world domination or someone at the M&M/Mars factory is mightily grumpy and released this new product on our unsuspecting world.

Chocolate Mix Skittles

Executive Summery Review: Nasty beyond all that is reasonable and can still be called a “food-product.”

Somewhat More Lengthy Review:

First off, I posit that candy, since it is loaded with sugar and absent any real nutritional value, is a treat. Eat your veggies, have a package of candy. That’s the model I use when eating candy.

(Alternatively, “I had lunch a couple hours ago. I had a salad. I had a cookie after promising myself that I’d go to the gym. Now it’s four in the afternoon. I’m starving. I think I’ll conveniently ignore my vow to limit sugar in my diet and go have a little candy. Fifteen minutes pass and I’ll have eaten an entire 6 pound bag of peanut M&Ms, forgetting that I’m also deathly allergic to peanuts and now have to stab an epi-pen into my thigh or pass out form anaphylactic shock.")

Either way, eating candy is supposed to please your senses, not rape your taste buds and leave them for dead on the side of the road.

Second, the candies are all brown or close to brown colored. The packaging is brown. Brown may work as a color for UPS, but for a candy? No, not so much. Completely unappetizing. They don’t resemble candy so much as they remind you of elk poo. Little brown nuggets of nasty.

Third, they have chosen flavors, though they seem like they should go together pretty well, when you toss a handful in your mouth, go together like stripes and plaid.

See, my general modus operandi when eating normal Skittles, is to take a few and snarf them down. The fruit flavors mix together and the sensation is pleasing to me. So naturally, that’s what I did after opening my package of Chocolate Mix Skittles.

HUGE mistake.

With the Chocolate Mix Skittles, I may as well be shoving a handful of sugary, bile-flavored glop into my craw. It’s unpleasant. Seriously, the CIA should forget water boarding al-Quieda members to get them to talk. Just give them a handful of this candy and I promise, we’ll find bin Laden within the hour.

The new flavors are:

S’mores There is a hint of marshmallow in there, but it’s overwhelmed by the metallic cadmium flavor.

Chocolate Carmel Remember when you had your first Sugar Baby? Carmel and Chocolate and the carmel was so thick that you’d chew on one piece of candy for half a day. It was glorious. Heck, I still have a Sugar Daddy from band practice in the 11th grade that I’m working on. I keep it back by my upper left molars (this is why I speak with a lisp). The Chocolate Carmel Chocolate Mix Skittle takes those sweet and innocuous Sugar Baby memories and layers over them an implanted false memory of you being seven years old and alone in a room with your weird Uncle Joe tickling you mercilessly until you pee all over your Garanimals. The best thing you could say about the Chocolate Caramel flavor is that it is inappropriate. The worst: felonious.

Chocolate Pudding Pudding should never crack and crumble in your mouth. Plus, it made the right side of my face go numb and I didn’t stop drooling until this morning.

Brownie Batter I put it in my mouth, bit down, passed out and when I woke up, I was naked, shivering and in a Turkish prison, accused of spying for the American Dogs.

Vanilla Yes, in the Chocolate Mix Skittles, there is a vanilla flavor. You may draw your own conclusions about that. I’m guessing that’s because they tried to do a “Dark Chocolate” flavor, but even they thought it tasted like motor oil. I imagine this is the conversation that went down in the lab:

M&M Researcher #1: We can’t use the Dark Chocolate flavor! The focus group is still vomiting. One is complaining that his hair fell out. All are threatening lawsuits.

M&M Researcher #2: Crap.

M&M Researcher #1: No, we are already doing the crap flavor, remember? That’s the code name for the “Chocolate Caramel” flavor.

M&M Researcher #2: No, I mean, ‘nuts!’

M&M Researcher #1: Well, we could try putting nuts in there, but I think people will choke on them. Some of them are losing fine muscle control, so I’m not sure if we want to take that risk. The lawyers will be all over that.

M&M Researcher #2: Look. Why don’t we just use the vanilla flavor? It tested OK. No one threw up during the initial testing. And we only got one case of severe abdominal cramping a week later. That might not have even been related to the Skittle, you know? Who can know about these things!

M&M Researcher #1: But they are supposed to be Chocolate Mix Skittles! If we put a vanilla flavored candy in there, won’t people think we are idiots?

M&M Researcher #2: Nyahh. Come on! This is the American palette we are talking about. The same people that think breakfast cereal bars actually have milk in them and are good for you! Trust me, no one is going to care or even notice a vanilla flavored Skittle in the Mix. Plus, we have to get them out this quarter!

Really. Stay away from this jambalaya of pain. Unless you are feeling annoyed with someone and want to send them into a coma; why, then Chocolate Mix Skittles are the PERFECT gift, just in time for Valentine’s Day.

Friday, February 01, 2008

Wasn’t One of the Seven Dwarves Named Wheezy?

That was our friend Jonah last night in the E.R. at Primary Children’s.

We can always tell when Jonah is having a really bad asthma attack: He stops talking to himself while playing video games.

Why?

Because he can’t breath.

Which is kind of a bummer. Breathing is fun! And useful! Everyone should try it!

I have the mildest case of asthma you can have and still call it a lung disorder. When I run and it’s cold or the air is soupy and pollution filled, I get a bit wheezy. Lame, when you consider that Jonah has turned pale and gaunt and blue-tinged in his life. And been hospitalized for this condition when he was much younger.

Which is not what happened last night. Last night was just a “normal, Jonah’s not breathing well at all, we better take him to the E.R.” dance that we have to do every now and then.

Last night he was coughing and wheezing and his voice was clipped when he spoke, like my emphysema-ridden, two pack-a-day grandmother’s voice used to be. We gave him Albuterol, which is a bronchial-dilator and usually provides acute relief. Unfortunately, if he is far down the road of “chest tightness,” the stuff we give him won’t work.

So we have to truck over to the E.R. and they give him the same stuff along with steroids, but from an industrial-sized vat and they monitor his heart rate. Because one of the side effects of Albuterol? Makes your heart explode. OK, not really, but it ramps up the heart to hummingbird levels. So they have to watch him while he breaths the Albuterol mist and 100% oxygen.

How did this happen?

Because I’m a bad parent, basically.

On Friday last, he ran out of his normal medicine (Advair) that keeps things under control. We tried to call in a refill, but he was out of refills. So the pharmacy had to call his Doc on Monday and get the ‘scrip refilled. Which meant that the stuff wouldn’t be ready until Tuesday.

I kept forgetting to pick the stuff up until last night, by which time he was well on the way to this mini-drama of wheezing and dashing off to the E.R. That was my job to get the prescription and I’m an idiot.

Oh, and he probably gets the genes for asthma and allergies from me, since I’ve sneezed twice while writing this and I’m essentially allergic to EVERYTHING. Is it furry? Yeah, I’m allergic to that. Does it have leaves? Yep, and I’m sorry I sneezed all over you. So I’ve passed that on to him as well.

But!

The good thing is that Jonah has a pretty healthy sense of what’s going on. Last night, laying in our bed and falling asleep I was talking to him:

“Sorry about all this, bud.”

“It’s OK, Dad. But you know, this is all your fault.”

So in the long run, he’s saving on therapy.

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

Christmas Break, Cliff Notes Edition 2007

Here is the short version of our trip to my Mom’s house in Mississippi over the Christmas Break:

Someone: Wow, there are a LOT of trees here. Look at all them!

Someone else: Those are really tall pines trees. I don’t think our pine trees in Utah look like that. How many species of pine trees are there, anyway?

Me: Good question. Let’s see. You have Blue Spruce. Lodge Pole. Evergreen. Long Pointy Needles. Short Pointy Needles. Christmas. Oak. Eucalyptus. I think that’s about it.

Yes, I used to be a dendrologist in a past life.

We had a great time down there, although we’ve now made a personal resolution that we are NEVER, EVER going to pack up Christmas, have it someplace else and then pack it all back home. We had to steal two large suitcases from my Mom just to fit all the crap. Alternatively, if we do this sort of thing again, we’ll just get everyone gift cards and be done with it. You try fitting Jonah’s huge RC car into a normal suitcase, OK? Also, that RC car thing? Wicked cool. We fight over who gets to play it. I’m bigger, so I get far more “turns” than anyone else, and because I never learned to share.

I gained 63 pounds, since all we did was bake, cook food with four sticks of butter in it, eat that food, and then start baking again.

Seriously, I’m a huge tub o’ lard right now. That shadow that just passed over you? That was me, waving my fat, huge and gelatinous arm and saying “hi” to you.

I keep forgetting that winter in Mississippi doesn’t mean the same thing as winter here in SLC. Winter in MS means it rains, the temp may sometimes dip down into the low 40s, the sun shines and it’s around 68° in the afternoons. Winter in SLC means this:

That was waiting for us off our balcony. Can you imagine what it would feel like to get smacked in the noggin if one of those stalactites cut loose? Ask Lucas, he was standing underneath when I started knocking them down. (not really.)

I’ll have pics and stories from our trip later in the week, maybe next week. Not only do I have to dig out from the mountain of snow, but coming back from work after being gone for a week is insanity.

Oh, and I got an iPhone for Christmas.

(!!!!!)

Complete surprise and the sound of my geeking out went into the stratosphere.

Yep, they really are *that* good. Highly recommended.

Hope everyone had loverly holidays and here’s hoping 2008 is wonderful and prosperous for all of you!

(I got an iPhone!)

(My 2008 has already started out well!)

(I’ll stop talking about my iPhone now.)

(I won’t stop petting it though.)

(It’s SO purty!)

Favorite Entries

If you are new around here, the following entries have been reasonably well received. You might want to peruse these.

• Help Wanted
• From the Office of Mis-directed Email
• A Word from the Small Person in the House
• RNT Product Review: Chocolate Mix Skittles Left Me Sterile!
• Jon’s Report Card circa… A Long Time Ago
• Dear Gratuitously Naked Conversationalist at the Gym:
• A Peek Inside the Writer’s Guild and Producers’ Negotiations
• We Regret the Error
• Letters from a Homeowner to His General Contractor
• What I Did There
• Hermaphrodite Administrative Assistants and Receptionists Need Not Apply
• Giving Me an IM Account Was Obviously a Huge Mistake
• Official Ransom Note Typography Vista vs. Mac OS X Shootout
• I Need a Real Hobby
• Beat Down
• Big Fat Lies
• True Love
• Now MY Ovaries Hurt
• Don’t Get Her Started
• Disturbing Trend
• Had to do it
• Mooshy stuff
• Ransom Note Typography End User License Agreement “EULA”
• Diva-licious!
• Just so we’re clear
• PETA may have a point

Holy Crap! Look at all this STUFF down here. It's awesome!

 

Really, I'm glad you made it down here. Almost no one ever comes down here. I'm like in a freaking dungeon down here. I get lonely. But not you. YOU made it all the way to the end of the page. For this I think I've a little crush on you. I don't know, is "love" to strong a word to use in this situation? Well, if it's not "love," then it's very strong "like." I'm totally in like with you for coming down here. You are awesome. Please love me back! I know, I know, I shouldn't be all needy, it's not attractive at all, but you don't know how it is to be stuck down here. Who scrolls all the way to the end of a page anymore these days? Anyway, thanks for shedding some light down here in the depths. I appreciate it. Shoot me an email and I'll send you a dollar, OK?

©2005-2008 Jon B. Deal All Rights Reserved. I'm not kidding around here, I know people who know other people who would be willing to beat you up or similarly infringe on your rights, should you happen to infringe on my rights.