Bring the Funny (interviews)

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Fluid Pudding: She’s Outta Sight!

I can’t pinpoint exactly when or how I stumbled onto Angela’s site, but I was simply delighted once I got there and swam around deeply in her content. She’s witty and funny and has a devotion to knitting which verges on obsessional. The weird knitting thing aside, if you don’t have her site bookmarked, RSS’ed and aren’t stalking her like the rest of us are, one click over to her site and you will be. She’s has two children and is married to a man with a toe for a thumb. How cool is that?

1. First of all, remind me again why I can’t easily get to the ancient and deep fluidpudding archives? I’m all sad inside that I can’t stalk/peruse your old archives. You’ve been “doing the blog thing” for much longer than Dec. 2006. Any chance you’ll be resurrecting those? [ed. note, you can get to the archives via http://archives.fluidpudding.com and then tacking on /month/2004/4 or some other combination.]

Back in September of 2006, I celebrated Fluid Pudding’s five year anniversary by closing up shop. When I re-birthed it a few months later (I was never much good at Goodbye), I invited four of my favorite people to join me. At the time, it didn’t seem right to leave the old stuff up, so we took it down. Now that I’m flying solo again, the archives will be added back. I can’t tell you exactly when, but it will happen.

2. Have you always been a writer? Meaning, would you write for your own enjoyment even if there weren’t the teeming zillions of fans clamoring to read your latest bits?

Hey there! You made me blush! Stop it!

I don’t really consider myself a writer as much as I consider myself One Who Writes. (Yeah. How annoying was THAT sentence?! Know that I wrote it while wearing lots of eyeliner and smoking from a very long and bossy silver cigarette holder.) I’ve kept a journal on and off since the fifth grade, but most of the journal entries are sort of like, “I had another nosebleed today.” or “So and so has done me bad.” or “Today I went to Grandma’s for lunch where I had angel food cake, fried chicken, green beans with bacon, and cucumber salad. After I ate, I set ants on fire with a magnifying glass.”

After college, I spent a good part of my free time sitting in bookshops and writing letters to friends. Writing those goofy brainless letters really sparked me for some reason, and receiving letters in return made me giddy. I think that’s why I enjoy maintaining the website. I can sit and write something completely goofy and witless, and someone will take the time to respond with something brilliant. If I didn’t have the website, I think I would spend more time writing letters.

3. Do you have a specific audience or person in mind when you write? Or again, just the faceless horde out here on the InterNets, drooling over our keyboards?

I write all of my entries specifically for Jesus. (And now Jesus is out there somewhere frantically slapping his knee and yelling, “Oh, snap! You shut up, Angela!")

Seriously? I don’t really have anyone in mind when I update the site. However, I’m lucky to have a bunch of very kind people stopping by each day, so I suppose I *continue* to write because of them.

4. How much re-writing do you do? Does the “funny” just flow out or do you go back in to put the “jokes” in? Like for example, in this post: You make a joke about eating cookies on the couch and then make a simply delightful “call-back” to the cookie joke at the end of the post. Did that just happen as you wrote it, or did you go back and put the call-back in?

Okay. I said I would do the interview. Stop being so kind!

I don’t do much re-writing. I basically take fifteen minutes or so to put up an entry, I hit the Publish button, and then I freak out and start correcting as many typographical and grammatical errors that I can find before the first person stops by to sift through the muck.

5. Blogging. Merely another form of mindless navel gazing or Something Profound and Meaningful. Discuss.

It varies. Actually, the name Fluid Pudding comes from an article I once read concerning modernity and the fact that the world is filling up with a staggering number of yellow-bellieds who refuse to commit to a firm belief system. The author states that if this continues, humankind will eventually lose any form of consistency and become not unlike a big batch of fluid pudding. That idea really struck me, and because I tend to lean toward the non-confrontational, it occurred to me that I’m just another glug in the vat of fluid pudding.

So, anyway. What was the question?

Oh. In MY case, blogging is mostly navel gazing. (By the way, I really hate the word Navel. Therefore, the phrase Navel Gazing makes me cringe. Navels and feet = the stuff of nightmares.)

You won’t leave my site with new knowledge or profound ideas.

You’ll leave knowing that my kid just said something funny or that I’m knitting a sock or something.

Actually, let’s just call a duck a duck: Fluid Pudding is nothing to write home about.

But I try my best to deliver the silly. And people tend to enjoy silly ducks. (Case in point: See?)

6. When you sit down to write, do you have the whole thing outlined and you just fill in the details? Or is writing more of a “journey” you take where you start, but don’t really know where you’ll end up? Do you ever have “the tyranny of the blank page” and feel paralyzed?

I don’t feel much pressure from the tyranny of the blank page. I try to update the site twice a week, but I don’t feel like too much of a loser if it doesn’t happen.

Most of my entry ideas come to me in the shower. And sometimes while shampooing my hair, I come up with something that makes me laugh and laugh, and then I quickly forget it before I have a chance to type it out. I suppose I could carry around a tiny voice-activated recording device, but I think it would be silly for me to pick up a little machine and say something like “Note to self: Meredith just said something was wrong with her butt. HA HA HA!!!” Those machines are better used by people who say things like “Hemoglobin and Hematocrit for Mr. Dempsey in Room 2112.”

So, anyway, ideas in the shower, and then I see how far I can go at the keyboard before I get sick of staring into the monitor. Fifteen minutes usually does it. And then I hit the Publish button.

7. Where do you write? Do you have a notebook or something you carry with you to jot ideas down as they come to you?

Although I do carry a notebook with me wherever I go, I mainly reserve those pages for grocery lists or directions. (Have I ever told you about my terrible sense of direction? Seriously, I’ve driven to a friend’s house more than ten times now, but I still keep the directions on my lap whenever I go there.) I mainly put up Fluid Pudding entries when I have an uninterrupted block of time—normally at the kids’ nap time or in the evening.

8. I sometimes feel like The Internet/Blogosphere could use a decent editor. Someone who would say, “Yeah, Jon, that joke/rant about the crazy barrista lady isn’t nearly so funny as you think it is” Do you have someone who reads your stuff before you smack the Big Red Publish button and will give you an honest opinion?

I think you’re on to something. Every once in a while I’ll puke something out that I think is nothing short of splendrous. (I’m exaggerating quite a bit.) Those entries consistently draw the least number of comments. And when that happens, you start (and by “you” I mean “I") thinking, “Well, hell. I really have no idea what’s funny.” And then you (and by “you” I mean “I") put up a recipe for pig candy, and The People go insane! It’s funny. Before we added the comment feature, I was a lot less careful about what I put up. However, after adding the feature, I learned an important lesson early on when I received lots and lots (and lots!) of comments saying, “Die, you fucking fat breeder cow!” just because I wrote about receiving not-so-great service at a fast food restaurant. Some people write to stir things up, and I can appreciate that. However, once again, I’m a glug. Also, I’m rubber and you’re glue.

Wait. Perhaps my answers to your questions could use a decent editor. Hi there! I just keep typing and typing. Look how fast I can type this sentence. Quick fox jumping over lazy dog!!!

Here is the answer to the final part of your two-part question: No one reads what I write until it’s out there, including Jeff. AND, Jeff and I have an unspoken agreement about things that I won’t talk about on the site. However, he has given me full clearance to discuss his toe/thumb situation.

9. Please confirm or deny my nutso birth order theory that “funny” people/writers are last born or only children. How many kids in your family and where do you fall in the pecking order?

You’re right on. Two kids in the family, and I’m the youngest. (My sister is 2.5 years older than me.)

(This really doesn’t have anything to do with the question, but: I’m trying to re-spark the use of “Outta sight!” I recently read that it was first used way back in 1895, and has pretty much died out in the past thirty years or so. Let’s bring “Outta sight!” back!!!)

10. I was having a conversation with my wife the other day and she cornered me as she often does and pointed out that I’m really only in the “writing game” for the possible (though meager) adoration I receive from my readers. So this is the question: Why do you think you write? And why do you think you “need” to be funny when you write? (this is the *deep* psychological part of the interview. Think of me as Barbara Walters, but a version of Barbara that is sporting a *killer* beard right now) (Yeah, that’s not a pretty mental image, is it? And I have since shaved.)

Hhhmmmm. I don’t think I write for the adoration, because I was just as happy writing a few years back when I didn’t provide an e-mail address or comments. (Then again, I’m sure I wouldn’t be fooling anyone if I said that the comments and e-mails don’t perk me up a bit.) Let’s see. I write to keep certain parts of my brain from infarcting. I write because it makes me feel creative. Then again, I recently read that a link exists between mood disorders and creativity, which I find highly interesting on many different levels. In fact, I believe I’ll use that link to segue into the next part of the question! (Because I’m Outta sight! Outta sight!)

The “need” to be funny isn’t really a need as much as it’s a desire.

I tend to get bummed by All Things Woe Is Me, so when I’m having an especially bad day, I either stay away from the computer, or I sift through the dust to find something salty.

11a. Outside of reading excellent blogs (ahem, and by excellent, I mean mine, der), what kind of “media” do you consume on a regular basis? (This is just a clever way of saying, “If I were to drop in on Casa di FluidPudding on any given evening after the kidlets are in bed, what would be on TV at your house? Books on the night stand, etc.?” And more importantly, would you feed me if I dropped in unexpectedly? I like chicken. And pasta. And creme brulée.)

This question is surprisingly tough, because I REALLY want to tell you about all of the political rags that I consume with a feverish intensity.

But there’s simply no time for me to list every single one.

Also, and more importantly, I’m lying.

I watch entirely too much reality television. Big Brother, The Hills, Top Chef, Ace of Cakes… All of these are watched after the kids are in bed, and none are watched unless I have knitting needles in hand.

The book on my night stand right now is The Conversions by Harry Mathews.

The last magazine I read was Bust.

I subscribe to Interweave Knits and Interweave Crochet.

I borrow my mom’s copy of People magazine almost every week.

If you dropped in unexpectedly, I could offer you a graham cracker with chocolate icing, and I could easily be talked into whipping up some pumpkin muffins.

If you’re really itching for pasta, I think we have some in the cupboard. Find a pot and boil for eleven minutes. Enjoy. I’ll be sitting in the corner watching Suck TV and knitting a sock or something.

11b. I’ve recently been conducting an informal poll: What reading material is in your bathroom RIGHT THIS SECOND? (no fair substituting The Atlantic for that tattered copy of US magazine. :-])

Right now the only reading materials in the bathroom are the backs of shampoo bottles. (I’m sort of skeeved out by the thought of leaving magazines in there. When you’ve watched your daughter grab waste from the toilet and shake her hand in the air like she really doesn’t care, you really start thinking twice about having anything nice in there. Unless it’s laminated.)

12. You come across in your writing as a pretty mild person, but I think it takes a pretty healthy sense of self to “put yourself out there” and write publicly. Especially humor writing, I think. Do you feel that you have a pretty healthy ego? What might Jeff say about that?

I’m the coolest girl in the universe, and I’m not afraid to admit it.

Actually, my ego goes from being fairly healthy to being puny and withered.

I’m severely self-conscious, I’m a terribly harsh critic, and I think Jeff digs me just the way I am.

13. Ever get any hate mail? Besides from disgruntled food service workers, I mean. Specifically, I’m thinking about less than admiring mail from other Mothers, who I’ve found can be über-judgmental about just about anything relating to how other people raise children.

I get the occasional hateful note. One of my favorites started with “What the hell is wrong with you?” and criticized me for my lack of interest in a Meet Up. Like I have any interest in meeting up with people who want to fight me!

Another memorable note arrived after I announced that Meredith was born via c-section. Within minutes of that announcement, I received a few bloody photos of c-sections gone awry along with a note that accused me of wanting my baby to die. When I replied with “Unsubscribe” (because I think that the “Unsubscribe” thing is so very very funny), the woman went NUTS on me.

14. Are you a performer? Were you the class clown growing up? Or one of those folks that study the scene around them and make little mental notes on everything and then pontificate later?

I suppose I was more of an observer while growing up. On the outside, I was the piano player who could slice a banana without touching it. On the inside, I was a ferocious Dorothy Parker wannabe.

15. Ever go back and read something you wrote and laugh? Gag? Think, “how clever of me!”? Wish you could set fire to the all the digital bits the Google Monster has squirreled away?

I occasionally go back and laugh at my memories more than I laugh at my depiction of those memories. For example, the first time I peed in my pants in front of Jeff was when I was trying out a Neti pot for the first time. The entry itself isn’t that funny, but the picture it conjures in my head is laughable.

Wait. Picture me at eight months pregnant (I gained 80 pounds!) holding a Neti pot up to my nose and peeing on myself.

Funny, right?

Right-o!

Next question.

16. Do you have any writing that isn’t “funny?” Any bursts of poetry or prose that you don’t share on FP?

I have a few journals hidden in my closet. They are filled to the brim with the angsty unfunny stuff. It’s not all sugar cubes and cotton candy over here, Sparky.

(Jeff has promised to burn these in the event of my demise.)

17. You managed to stay pretty “clean” and at worst, PG-13. (Your slightly deviant sexual fantasies about Greg Wiggle, notwithstanding). Do you try and not go “blue” on purpose?

My dad reads my website. When I first used the word Fuck in an entry, he called me on it and told me that I was too creative for that word. I’ve typed it many times since, but I try to always replace it before hitting the Publish button.

In related news, Dad is going on vacation in a few weeks. When that happens, it’s going to be all Fuck all the time at Eff Pee Dot Com!

18. What question about your writing would you ask here? [ed. note: Yes, I’m a TERRIBLE interviewer as it turns out]

How about “Has your writing ever been published?”

Why, yes! It has! I once wrote an appendix for a dental hygiene manual, and I actually illustrated a book for middle school educators.

I am not particularly proud of these contributions, but they count, right?

19. When you were younger (let’s say 15), what did you want to be when you grew up? If you could go back in time, what might you say to a younger version of Angela?

It’s written in my high school memory book that I wanted to be a record reviewer for Rolling Stone. If I could go back in time, I would tell the younger me that you really should write record reviews if you want to be a reviewer of records. (I often spit big dreams into my broken Tragic Flaw: No Stamina cup.)

20. I’m out… Utterly spent… How’s the weather there? (And this still makes me laugh, though now I can’t get Zach Braff in his undies out of my head.) Anyway, where’d that come from?

The weather today is pretty nice. I think it’s 86 degrees or something. Actually, who am I kidding? I haven’t been out of the house in days.

I think the Zach Braff thing came out when I was watching Big Brother. I was trying to think of who I would be willing to live with for a few months, and what sort of game we would play.

Wait. Wouldn’t it be fun if a bunch of bloggers lived together and just sat around blogging about it and America could do the Unsubscribe thing and well, hell. Never mind. The mailman just delivered a package to me! It’s yarn, and I’m a butter popcorn flavored Jelly Belly eating magpie!

See?

Totally outta sight!

Now, go give her a hug.

Jon scribbled this mess on 09/19/07 at 12:01 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Bring the Funny (interviews) Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Matthew Baldwin Has a Defective Sense of Humor

Matthew Baldwin has been writing defective yeti (dy) since the dawn of time (around 2002, or the paleolithic era in blog years). In addition to his very funny defective yeti site, he also writes for the Morning News and a few other sites, which you will see littered in the links in this interview. He writes about lots of things, but I find his political humor to be particularly sharp. He works as a programmer by day, a crime fighter by late afternoons and a father and husband in the evenings. He lives in Seattle. And holy crap, look at how cute his kid is:

1. Do you have a specific person or audience in mind while you write? Or are you imagining the teeming unwashed masses of humanity out here on the internet spitting liquids out our noses and onto our keyboards?

As with most bloggers, I pretty much only think about myself. If I find something funny or interesting, I write about it; if I don’t, I don’t. This is manifest in the scattershot approach I take to defective yeti: I write about movies, books, board games (a hobby of mine), politics, parenting, pop culture, and whatever else pops in my head. If I were really intent on driving up my traffic I suppose I would narrow my focus, but, lacking ads on my site, I don’t really have any incentive to pander.

2. I know you loathe advertising in all its forms which I respect enormously, but are you ever tempted to throw some ads up on dy for a quick buck? Like, “it’s The Squirrelly’s b-day and the boy needs some toys! Get me the Google ad people, stat!”?

I hate how advertising has infiltrated every aspect of our lives (if I see a product placement in a movie, I will seethe for 20 minutes), and don’t want dy to be a party to that.

I’m not totally opposed to them—I have ads on Tricks of the Trade, for instance. I just don’t want to give companies license to put their words on my personal site. If they want to promote their product on dy, they can use comment spam like everyone else.

3. Anything you shy away from? (besides not naming your wife and child, for example)

My wife, my parents, and several of my closest friends read my blog, so I do have to watch myself. I also have a rule about not discussing my acquaintances, or my conversations with them, without their explicit permission. I don’t want people in my life worried that everything they say or do around me might be strip mined for content.

When it comes to politics, I generally limit myself to satire. There are so many people writing quality, substantive material about politics (I’m particularly fond of Kevin Drum of The Washington Monthly) that I don’t feel I have much to add, and don’t have any particular inclination to out myself as someone with only a superficial understanding of weighty issues.

4. Are you a performer? Do you stand out in a crowd as the “class clown” type? Or are you the person at the back of the room taking it all in and making notes for later?

A little of both. I am usually reserved in social situations, but if I wind up in the spotlight, I can tell a story with gusto. In fact I occasionally tell stories at A Guide To Visitors, a local show that’s like a live This American Life.

5. Many writers carry around notebook or something to jot ideas in throughout the day. Do you have anything like that?

Not really. But I have a pretty good memory for Teh Funny: if someone says something that makes me laugh, or if I have a thought I find amusing, I can usually stuff it into a mental pigeonhole until I can record it in my dy_ideas.txt file. Unfortunately, my ability to remember what the idiots sitting in the seats behind on my morning bus ride is balanced by my inability to remember just about anything else, up to and including dentist appointments, my social security number, and any state capitol that’s not also the name of a doughnut. (Bismark, North Dakota!)

6. Do you have someone you filter your writing through? Like someone who reads your stuff before you hit publish and will tell you in a brutally honest fashion, “Matthew, I can see what you are trying to do here, but it’s not working?”

No. But, after I post stuff to the web there are plenty of people who send thoughtful emails saying things like “Please let me know how I can paypal you enough money to buy a spellchecker.”

7. You do a fair amount of political humor, what are you original sources for the “hard news” CNN, Fox, etc.?

I can’t abide either CNN or Fox. Honestly, they are both so bad I don’t know how anyone can watch them without cringing in embarrassment on their behalf.

The Washington Post is my online newspaper of choice, and I listen to NPR on my morning commute. After that I pretty much skim headlines on Google News and Reuters. I also peruse a fair number of political blogs. In addition to the aforementioned Washington Monthly, I also read Political Wire, Talking Points Memo, Andrew Sullivan, and The Corner. I steer clear of the really strident stuff unless I’m feeling exceptionally pissed off about something; then I’ll wallow in the muck for a bit.

8. How much re-writing do you do on average? Or does the funny just happen as you type/write?

Almost none. I tend to compose (and revise) most of my entries in my head, before I type them up. Well, that’s not entirely true. I’ll usually begin with an outline of the post in my head, and the work is basically just figuring out how to get from one joke to the next.

9. Someone once told me that she felt there were two kinds of writers. People who started and were on a journey and didn’t know where they’d end up, and writers who had an outline and knew exactly what they’d be saying at any given moment; they’d make a nice outline for themselves. Do you think you fall into one of these neat little categories?

Yeah, I’m definitely more of an outliner. I’ve recently started writing crime fiction, and I’m amazed that some authors will start with just a scenario ("bank heist") and a character ("stage magician"), just wing it from there. I can’t even fathom how that works. Me, I can’t even start writing a mystery until I’ve figured out exactly how it will end.

The same is largely true with my blog posts: I need to have a good idea of the first sentence, the last sentence, and a handful of good lines or phrases. Lacking these, I won’t even begin.

10. Where do you write? Work (if it’s work and you’ll get in trouble for that, just say, the cafeteria :-]), home, bus stop, toilet, etc.? Do you have a routine or time when you write? Scented candles and a glass of red wine, that sort of thing?

I have no routine whatsoever, though every week I swear I’m going to start writing from 6:00 - 8:00 every morning. I’d do it, too, but it turns out that 6:00 AM is way too fucking early.

11. Since we don’t officially know each other, this may sound like a goofy question, but how many kids are in your family? How many of each flavor? Are you the oldest/youngest? (I have this theory that “professionally” funny people are either last born or only children). I could be very wrong about this.

I am the oldest of two children. Your theory sucks.

12. More media consumption: Do you read anyone for inspiration? Sites? Books? Any movies you could watch over and over again because they *always* make you laugh?

I’m somewhat embarrassed to admit that I read very few blogs these days; the few I do are written by friends of mine (John Moe’s Monkey Disaster, Maggie’s Mighty Girl, etc.). There are very few comedic films that I will watch repeatedly, though I usually try to catch Office Space, Rushmore, The Princess Bride and When Harry Met Sally every few years. I’ll also watch pretty much any episode of Arrested Development, The Office (either version), Freaks and Geeks, WKRP in Cincinnati or Taxi that I happen to encounter while channel surfing, regardless of how many times I’ve seen it before.

13. Do you have something that you’ve written (published or not), that you thought was hilarious, but no one else did? And you kept trying to explain why it’s funny and they still didn’t get it?

I’ve been pretty proud of all the “Holiday Survival Guide For Slackers” I’ve written for The Morning News (the 2005 one is especially good), but they typically run around December 23rd, when no one is online.

Honestly, I’ve proven to be a very poor predictor of which posts of mine will garner a lot of attention. One of my most popular posts of last year, a screed about soda, was something I just dashed off in 10 minutes. Meanwhile, other stuff that took me days to write—like my pilot for The Six Hundred Dollar Man—flop around like a landed trout for a few minutes and then quietly expire.

Oh, well. It’s all just confirmation of my motto: the secret to successful blogging is to not give a rat’s ass what your readers think.

14. Let’s talk about ego and writing for a second. I think it takes a pretty healthy self-esteem to put yourself out there. Especially the comedy stuff. Do you feel like you have a healthy ego? What would your wife say?

My two primary goals in writing dy are, and always have been, to (a) record random thoughts that flit through my head and would otherwise be forgotten immediately, and (b) keep myself writing. I don’t know if I would still be doing the site if I had never attracted a readership, but, for the first year or so, I had about 17 regular visitors and kept at it anyhow, without any expectation that my audience would grow. I guess that says something about something.

I’m a fairly confident person, in general. Paradoxically, I think this is because I am pretty realistic about my flaws: I’m terrible with names, I’m mechanically inept, I’m routinely absent-minded, I don’t enjoy socializing with people I don’t know well, etc. Knowing what you’re bad at allows you to confidently identify and stick with those things you are not-bad at.

My wife would probably agree with the proposition that I have an ego, I don’t know that she’d classify it as “healthy,” though.

15. Do you feel like you need the validation/praise/whatever that comes from writing a successful site? Since you aren’t doing dy for the money, are you doing it to entertain us and validate yourself at the same time?

Oh sure, of course. But I’ve also come to recognize how ephemeral is all is. When something like this goes Internet Supernova, it results in seventy-seven klonktillion people visiting one page on your blog for 30 seconds and then never returning. Afterwards you feel like you’ve been mugged.

16. Personally, I know I use humor as a disarming and/or self-defensive tactic. Do you feel that you ever hide behind your humor? Are you using humor so people will like you, is the blunt way my not-subtle wife would say that question. (She’s at attorney and not known for her subtly. :-])

As far as dy goes, I hide behind humor as a way of maintaining anonymity. By painting a portrait of myself using broad, hyperbolic strokes, I can convey to readers what I am like while skimping on specific details.

I use humor so that people will like me, yes—but I also brush my teeth and wear pants so people will like me, and don’t really see the distinction. Is your wife asking because she is looking for a way to get people to like her, what with being a lawyer and all?

17. Seems like you’ve been doing a lot more political satire of late; do you find yourself taking the whole political process less or more seriously? It also seems like you prod the Right more than the Left. Are they merely targets of opportunity because they’ve controlled everything of late? Do you see yourself doing satire “against” the Dems at some point? (Should they pull their heads out by some miracle and do well in 2008, that is.)

Actually, I do less political stuff than I used to—mostly because the Bush Administration has gotten so good at self-satire that I don’t have a lot to contribute.

I do more humor about the right because I find the right’s transgressions hilarious, while I find the left’s infuriating. It’s fun to think the other side sucks; it’s a drag to realize that your side does too.

18. Ever get any hate mail?

Almost never.

19. I’ve noticed that you tend to keep dy pretty clean. PG-13 at worst. Is that on purpose? (Again, personally, I think it’s much harder to be “clean” and still be funny. Takes more talent.)

I live a pretty PG life; I guess my writing reflects that.

As far as language goes, I think making certain words taboo is pretty stupid, be they vulgarities or racial epitaphs or whatever. (I’m working to rectify question 18, here.) As I don’t imbue “swear words” with special significance, I tend to only use them when they are appropriate—which is to say, rarely.

20. Parting from humor for a moment, you are talking about venturing into mystery writing. Why’d you choose that genre? (nothing against it, of course, I’m just curious how you came to choose that.)

A good mystery story is like a good joke: you set it up and then deliver a surprising punchline.

21. Obviously, you are a great writer, and I don’t mean this as any sort of criticism, but what do you think you could do to improve your writing? Do you ever look back on your past stuff and say, “Yeah, that was a good idea, but I’d have done it totally differently now.”?

I know you’re being kind, but I am nowhere near a great writer.

In his book On Writing Stephen King says “While it is impossible to make a competent writer out of a bad writer, and while it is equally impossible to make a great writer out of a good one, it is possible, with lots of hard work, dedication, and timely help, to make a good writer out of a merely competent one.” I feel I am a competent writer, and might possibly become a good writer someday, if I ever get around to the whole “hard work/dedication” thing. Posting humorous observations about yogurt to a blog doesn’t count, apparently.

One thing I am getting better at is eliminating unneeded words. But I still have a long ways to go. Look at the phrase “might possibly become a good writer someday,” above. Did I really need the “possibly?”

Thank you, Matthew! And in case you were wondering about that crime fighting thing, here is a shot of him in action. He is a brave man.

Jon scribbled this mess on 04/04/07 at 12:02 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Bring the Funny (interviews) Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Alice Bradley Has More Funny in her Left Pinky Toe than You Have in Your Entire Body

Many of you probably already read Alice on a daily basis, but if you don’t, you should. It’s that simple. Even if she doesn’t post daily, you should go there every day and rifle through her archives. She is a genius and she will make you laugh. Interviewing her was a delight. Besides running finslippy, she has a weekly column on AlphaMom called Wonderland. I understand it is also quite popular as well. She gets about 417 hojillion hits per week and she tends to the psychological needs of all her readers. That is how much she CARES! Plus, she ended this post by inviting everyone to make out with her. What’s not to love?

1. Do you have a specific person or audience in mind while you write? Or are you imagining the great unwashed masses of humanity out here on the internet giggling behind our keyboards?

I do imagine my audience while I’m writing, although I can’t tell you exactly who they are or what they look like. Generally they’re benevolent and all-forgiving, although occasionally they turn wrathful and plague-happy.

2. Anything you shy away from?

Anal.

3. Are you a performer? Do you stand out in a crowd as the “class clown” type? Or are you the person in the back of the room taking it all in and making notes for later?

Sometimes. It depends on the context. Sometimes you can’t shut me up with the talking and the hijinks, and other times I’m hiding in a coat closet until the police come.

4. Speaking of notes. Some writers carry around notebook or something to jot ideas in throughout the day. Do you have anything like that?

I have only my magnificent mind.

5. Do you have someone you filter your writing through? Like someone who reads your stuff before you hit publish and will tell you in a brutally honest fashion, “Alice, I can see what you are trying to do here, but it’s not working?”

I used to give it to my husband, but the third time I threw a shoe at his head, he observed that maybe he shouldn’t be my editor. So now I just hit publish and then I throw a shoe at his head.

6. How much re-writing do you do on average? Or does the funny just happen as you type/write?

For the blog, I almost never rewrite. Which is not always a good thing.

7. My wife (frankly, she’s a much better writer than me), once told me that she felt there were two kinds of writers. People who started writing a piece and were on a journey and didn’t know where they’d end up, and writers who had an outline and knew exactly what they’d be saying at any given moment, they’d make a nice outline for themselves. Do you think you fall into either of these neat little categories?

I’m definitely the former, although it seems really pretentious to say it. My mind takes me on a fascinating journey. A fascinating mind-journey. GOD, I’m brilliant. How can I outline and pre-plan and box my brilliant brilliant mind into my cramped little story-box?

No, but really, I have to work this way, which is why I think I’m so incredibly slow when I write fiction. The fiction journey is uniquely terrifying to me. Because you have to have, like, structure, and crap. Whereas on the blog you can blurt out anything and the minute it gets too scary you hit publish and scamper away. And then nice people come and tell you you’re funny. Really, why would I write fiction, when I have that?

8. Where do you write? Home, local cafe, bus stop, toilet, etc.?

Nowadays, only at home. I always hated writing in cafes. I felt guilty that I was using up a perfectly good seat for hours with my one lousy cup of tea; some crazy person would always start talking to me; Janis Joplin would be wailing her guts out over the speakers; inevitably I had to pee but where would I put my laptop when I did that? Would I lose my seat? Cafe writing is for more secure people than myself.

9. Since we don’t officially know each other, this may sound like a goofy question, but how many kids are in your family? How many of each flavor? Are you the oldest/youngest? (I have this theory that “professionally” funny people are either last born or only children). I could be very wrong about this.

Shut up, you goof!

I’m the youngest of three. I have confirmed your theory!

Yesterday a vaguely crazy woman was standing too close and staring at me in the grocery store (Crazy people LOVE ME) and I thought she wanted something that I was standing next to, so I sort of smiled and moved over for her. And she trilled, “Are you the baby?” “Pardon me?” I asked, and she said, “You’re the baby in the family, aren’t you? So considerate. I can tell!” And she was fixing me with her crazy eyes and she said, “And you hate conflict, you’d do anything to avoid it.” As I was backing away from her. She was right, if crazy. On the other hand, does anyone like conflict? Would anyone else just stand there while a crazy person invaded their private space? What was the question again?

10. More media consumption: Do you read anyone for inspiration? Sites? Books? Any movies you could watch over and over again because they always make you laugh?

Oh, god, I read so many blogs that to pull a few out of my giant list seems disingenuous. I also read tons of actual book-type objects for inspiration. My list of favorite authors is so pretentious that you might come over here and slap me. Donald Barthelme, Virginia Woolf, Thomas Pynchon, Mikhail Bulgakov… see? It’s slapping time, isn’t it?

As for movies, I don’t generally “laugh” as you humans might define it, but I do enjoy Mr. Woody Allen. I’m hating myself for these answers. Hating. Myself.

11. Do you have something that you’ve written (published or not), that you thought was hilarious, but no one else did? And you kept trying to explain why it’s funny and they still didn’t get it?

I used to write comedy sketches that were only funny in a way that I could appreciate. In terms of print, I never wrote but had a brilliant idea for a piece about the first draft of Arthur C. Clarke’s 2001: A Space Odyssey. It would be the first draft of the final scene, and there would be a lot of exclamation points. Like: “So he’s flying through the air! And there are colors! Zap! More colors! Then boom! He’s in a ROOM!! But there’s an old guy there but oh my god HE’S THE OLD GUY!!! AND THEN OH MY GOD A GIANT BABY!!!!”

I never wrote it but I’m pretty sure it’s brilliant.

12. I’d like to read some of the other stuff you’ve published (like the print stuff....) Can you direct me to that?

You don’t want to read that stuff. Trust me.

If you can track down old copies of Fence magazine, Berkeley Fiction review, and the Rubber Band Society Gazette, knock yourself out! That’s the only stuff I’ve written that’s been at all interesting. I had a great web magazine I used to edit, but it has disappeared from the Internets, poof, gone.

13. This is the part of the interview where I break out my Barbara Walters mask and ask you what kind of tree you are.

Ooh! ooh! Gingko! Except not the female gingko, which has the stinky fruit. Not that one.

14. Coming back to your answer on question #7 for a moment, why do you write? It is for the immediate, mind bending gratification of having the mob love you?

Oh, jeezum crow. No, it’s just because it’s the only thing I can do relatively well. If only you knew how spectacularly I have screwed up at everything else in my life. I’ve basically been considered some sort of semi-savant, who can’t run down the block without breaking a femur but somehow manages to string sentences together.

15. What does it do for your ego/self-esteem to have people react well? Do you have an “aw-shucks, thanks!” self-effacing reaction? Are you secretly vindicated “Yes, they LOVE me! I knew it! All shall bow before me and my genius” Or do you still not believe that you are talented? Do you face the horror of the blank screen and say to yourself, “Oh Lord, they liked what I did yesterday, but I gots me NOTHING today. Help me, baby jebus! I *must* not let them [the unwashed, faceless masses] slip away from me!” Yes, there is a question in there somewhere.

I’m of course immensely gratified that people like my stuff, but really, please don’t think for a minute that I don’t know how many people read my blog and see nothing of any value in it and pass on by. Thankfully those people are (mostly) gracious enough to not share their lack of interest with me. I don’t mean to be overly self-deprecating, but that’s pretty much what I think, all the time. I don’t think my 15 years of therapy did enough. Can I get a refund?

16. See this is the real question for me (this one right here, all those others were just for warm ups): Many people believe that humor is some kind of weird self-defense mechanism. Something about “if I keep things light and funny, no one will try and get to know the real me, the awful person with low self-esteem that I am.” Do you relate to that at all in your writing? Note, I’m sure you aren’t an awful person, but do you sometimes feel like you are hiding behind “the funny?”

It’s a disarming tactic, partly. I think like many writers I’m secretly convinced that I’m no good, have nothing of any significance to say, etc. etc., and the jokes serve to deflect any potential criticism aimed my way. Mostly, though, it’s just fun. I really can’t help myself. It’s how my brain works. The miracle for me is that what I think is funny also seems to be funny to other people.

17. Alternatively, do you think you are funny so people will like you? (OK, I know I essentially asked this already with #14, but I’m just testing you)

No, I think being funny is something I can do, and there’s nothing better than making people laugh. In person, though, my challenge is to shut myself up and not always try to make everyone around me laugh, because that can be alienating. If I have a receptive audience I can really get carried away. I’m aware of how hard I can be to take.

18. One thing I really like about the way you write is that your writing takes sudden, unexpected turns which both delight and amuse. For example: OK… I just perused your archives and I can’t immediately find what I’m talking about. dang it. But it seems to me that sometimes your “jokes” (the funny, outrageous bits you toss in), don’t come in a what we peasants would call a predictable spot. Like this little throw-away line about spooning with Melissa. It’s a funny line. Crap. Now I can’t remember what the question was going to be. But that thing about spooning cracked me up. I’ll remember what the question was eventually. Probably months from now. Expect something from me mid-June.

Yes, you see—you think that’s unexpected, but anyone who knows me knows that I’ve been making jokes about spooning since college. Certain things amuse me, and for some reason the idea of spooning one of my friends is one of them. But it’s new to you! Suckers!

19. I was just reading Heather’s “hate mail” post from the other day. Now this question doesn’t specifically ask a question about your creative “funny” process, but do you get that kind of “hate” mail? It’s been my experience (as a father of 16), that mothers are some of *the* most judgmental types around. You say “Henry did X, so I did Y” and there’s a real possibility that the teeming masses of mothers out there are calling social services on you because of your flagrant, horrible Y-behavior. “What kind of mother does Y? Are you insane? Y has killed kids or at the very least left them developmentally disabled! You are a disgrace with all this Y stuff.” I guess this is where I was really going with my question about anything you shy away from. So! Do you have an internal censor that says, “Easy there, chica… we won’t be saying anything about that.”? (Yes, this is how I really talk and ask questions, I don’t have the benefit of an internal censor).

I don’t get nearly as much hate mail because I’m nowhere near the super-über-phenomenon that the lovely Dooce is. People who hate me rarely write to me directly or even comment on my site. They usually talk about me on their sites. If I find any of the nastier posts, the minute I realize what I’m reading I close the window and run away screaming. What’s especially painful for me is when people criticize my son. I can’t imagine ripping into a preschooler, but apparently he’s fair game to some people. And then I feel guilty for putting him out there; he didn’t ask for it. It leads me to second-guess myself anytime I want to post about him.

20. You don’t swear too often or engage in what I call “burp and fart” humor. Do you stay away from “baser” humor on purpose? Just not find that stuff funny? Some kind of deep seated religious dogma upbringing?

Some people would tell you I swear too much! I do believe I recently used the f-word regarding the weather, Jon. Oh, it was a scandal!

I like the filthiest humor that you could possibly imagine; it’s just not, generally, what occurs to me to write about. My parents are reading, so I shy away from talking about sex too much. (They’re Catholic, and think that I begat Henry by praying to St. Anthony.) Henry is a gold mine of poop and penis humor but I’m sensitive to maybe not wanting to publicize some of the more stunning anecdotes.

21. Do you make yourself laugh? I.E. Do you ever go back and read something you wrote and laugh?

I make myself laugh constantly, sometimes to an embarrassing degree. When it’s something I’ve written, though, there has to be a long enough span of time between when I wrote it and when I’m reading it. Because I think 99.9% of comedy is the sheer surprise of it, and if I can remember what I did, the joke is dead for me. Luckily I have lousy long-term memory.

See? Isn’t she just the bee’s nipples? Don’t you want to wrap her up and invite her over for dinner?

For the record, Alice assures me she was wearing pants during the entire interview process. Apparently this is some kind of record.

Come back in a week or so and I’ll have the interview with Matthew Baldwin of defective yeti up for your enjoyment. More interviews of “funny” writers every week or so after that.

Jon scribbled this mess on 03/21/07 at 12:01 AM, best we can tell it fits in the category of Bring the Funny (interviews) Regular Post. This many folks had something to say about that, The permanent home of this entry is here: Link

Bring the Funny (interviews)

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Fluid Pudding: She’s Outta Sight!

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Matthew Baldwin Has a Defective Sense of Humor

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Alice Bradley Has More Funny in her Left Pinky Toe than You Have in Your Entire Body

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